Yesterday on his radio show, Rush Limbaugh went so far as to blame Barack Obama for South Carolina governor Mark Sanford’s marital infidelity and general flakiness. Limbaugh, who seeks constantly to outdo himself, went one step further today, when he pinned the blame of the deaths of Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett on none other than President Obama.
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Since November, the Republicans have been hard at work to find the perfect strategy for bringing down the Democratic Machine which they see rebuilding in front of their very eyes. First there was Cheney: his incessant and point-by-point contradictions of the president made no mark. Karl Rove’s old tactics just wouldn’t cut it—they needed something new, something deft, something so brilliantly simple that they’d take down the White House from the inside out. What they came up with may shock you: they have transposed Dick Cheney’s verbal pandering onto the simple house fly.

You may have, in the past few days, come across a video of the president’s massacre of a fly while in an interview with CNBC. In case you haven’t, voila:

What you do not know is the nefarious scheming that went behind this action. National Lampoon has obtained a recent memo of the Republican National Committee. In it, the RNC details a divisive and devious plot to undercut Obama’s liberal support. The main ploy: the fly.

This was no ordinary fly you saw in that video: no, it was an operative of the Republicans, shrunk down to 1/100th of an inch with the help of Rick Moranis, placed in a nanorobot made to look like the size of a fly. Michael Steele’s frontin’—the budget of the RNC has been placed almost entirely in these little fly machines, built to pester the president.

But that is not the main purpose of the fly: no, it goes much deeper than that. This morning, PETA sent a complaint to the president, stating their wish that he had not annihilated the beast with his cat-like reflexes. By killing that fly, Obama undercut his authority with a section of his liberal base. He’s stepped onto a slippery slope, from which he will not be able to recover.

You may be asking yourselves, what is the point? Surely no one else will care. But no: it has been arranged for the fly to make appearances at certain Obama administration events. If Obama makes an appearance at a church—the fly will be there for Obama to swat. This time, it won’t be so easy: he may miss his mark, slap the preacher in the face, and BAM! Fox News talking points for two weeks. Obama’s picking up lunch at a burger joint, fly shows up. He goes in for the kill, misses his mark, and slaps a worker in the face.

The Republicans assume, of course, that Obama will miss his mark. Maybe they should have considered humiliating Joe Biden, if that’s even possible

The thought of Gen. MacArthur giving Bob Hope a buzz cut upon an direct order from Harry Truman during the Korean War is disturbing on many levels. So why is this clip of the POTUS ordering the host of the Colbert Report a high-and-tight so funny?

Could it be because the Korean War inspired the film M*A*S*H, which starred Elliot Gould, who hosted Saturday Night Live, cathedral to Father Guido Sarducci, alter ego of Don Novello and huge influence to Stephen Colbert?

Or is it the WWE-esque clippers coming out, plugged in and ready to go?

Either way, there’s something to be said for the chain of command.

In political news, Obama has backed closing Guantanamo and literally one minute later Dick Cheney defended his administration decisions.  Dick Cheney you are not the President of the United States anymore.  Cheney obviously didn’t get the memo that Bush is no longer the President.  The puppet has left the building, which means the man with his hand up his a** must leave too.  “You don’t have to go home, but you have to get the hell out of here!”

I feel like it’s the beginning to a bad joke, but it’s true… Janeane Garofalo refused to meet Rush Limbaugh when he visited the set of 24. The Village Voice did an interesting interview with Janeane, and she quoted, “When Rush Limbaugh visited the set, and when Lynne Cheney visited the set, I refused to have my picture taken with them or meet them or anything.”

I’m not the most liberal or the most conservative, but for some reason I side with Janeane on this one, even though she’s taken it to another level. Rush does drive me a little nuts , but not as much as Octo-mom…I’d have the same Janeane/Rush reaction if I were ever in the same room as Octo-mom. People like that should come with a warning label pasted on their forehead…”Person may cause: vomiting, irritability, watery eyes, loose stools, restlessness…”

STUD OF THE WEEK:

Singer Elvis Crespo: Merengue star was accused of going number THREE on a flight from Houston bound for Miami. In case you’re wondering what a number three is - I’ll phrase it delicately. It means JACKING OFF.

An example in the head of Crespo may have been something like this: “It’s so small in the bathroom, so I’ll tug it in my seat with my red blankey,” or “My IPOD battery is low and I’m going to get so bored - I think I’ll masturbate on this airplane.”

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK:

Alex Rodriguez: The Yankees third baseman who sucks in October as a person has been named as a hobbyist in Madam Kristin Davis’ personal and business life. Also, A-ROD booked hookers using his real name in a touristy Four Seasons Manhattan hotel.

A-ROD thought he was being discrete.

I mean, I guess one could mistake Manhattan as a small town with anonymity – if you are retarded. (Obama made it cool lingo to talk about retards on Jay Leno, so - do as your President, right?) 

A-ROD – some advice: Grow a mustache.

*Most people won’t understand the mustache advice. However, I am a fan of mustaches and think that every man and woman should be required by law to have a giant handlebar mustache.

PICTURE OF THE WEEK:

Kathy Griffin: She is shown lifting her skirt and showing the world that she has a small ginger cock. I wonder if her carpet matches the drapes – you know what I’m saying, dog? Damn, I’m feeling gangster. (For purposes I’m not smart enough to entertain - I cannot use the actual picture of her.)

REASON TO BECOME BULIMIC THIS WEEK:

Cloris Leachman (Actress and ruiner of erections worldwide) tells all in her new book about her sexual escapade with Gene Hackman.

Here’s a preview from the New York Post: “As we moved into the main course, it was as if a cosmic wind enveloped us. Some giant space magnet was pulling us together,” Leachman writes. “We didn’t finish the meal. We went upstairs, flew into bed and made love. It was epic. And the next morning, Gene went back to his film and I went back to mine. I haven’t seen Gene since that night, but I remember well the feisty lad he was.”

*Disclaimer – This is for entertainment purposes only. I love ginger heads, retards, bulimics, Cloris Leachman and people with mustaches. 

Daniel Harris Baer is a screenwriter based in New York City. Any complaints, send your hate mail to www.PalinforAmerica.com