As National Lampoon’s chief junior fashion reporter, I am pleased to announce the top costumes for the 2009 Halloween season. Recommended here are the finest choices in costumes for the man that wants to show off his topicality.

Don Draper:

As season three of Mad Men winds down, any man can throw on a suit and a thin tie and become Don Draper. Except you’ll look nowhere near as good, probably can’t drink as much scotch as him, and will lack the ability to make women orgasm by glancing at them. You will, however, instantly feel cooler, look awesome smoking the four and a half packs of cigarettes necessary for the evening, and increase your chances of cheating on your wife.

Barack Obama:

Be America’s favorite current president for Halloween! Optional styles include: secret Muslim Obama, Messiah Obama, Socialist Obama, and Kenyan baby Obama.

This costume is not recommended if you are white. Except … is it still considered black face if Obama is half white? Cause technically, that means all the black people going as him are doing white face then. And that is extremely offensive to me.

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Patrick Swayze was one of the coolest actors of all time. And while other more “respectable” reporters may choose to emphasize the films Dirty Dancing or Ghost, those are not the movies I consider to be his high achievements. No, in my mind three particular roles stand out. Three roles wherein Mr. Swayze redefined cool, confident, awesome, American, kick-ass, and much more.

If you ever wanted a crash course in how to be a man, here are three examples, courtesy of Patrick Swayze.

Jed Eckert in Red Dawn:

When the Communists invade America, the only man to stand up to them is Patrick Swayze. He leads a rag-tag group of high schoolers, and trains them to become the most feared guerilla squad in occupied U.S.A. He is a former quarterback, red-blooded American man who represents all that the Commies wish to destroy.

How badass is he? He shoots a Soviet soldier point blank in the face. He forces C. Thomas Howell to drink deer blood. Right before killing the main communist villain, he mutters the phrase: “you lose.”

He even gains the respect of the sympathetic communist Col. Ernesto Bella, who allows him to pass unharmed after destroying half the Russian army. The colonol lowers his gun, and says, “vaya con dios.”

James Dalton in Road House:

“Pain don’t hurt.” - James Dalton

Road House may just be the greatest film ever made. And James Dalton may be cinema’s coolest, most kick ass character ever. He is a world famous bouncer with a degree in philosophy from NYU who will stand and fight for what is right.

In this role, Patrick Swayze showed America you don’t have to be an big man to be imposing. That philosophy is the study of “man’s search for faith. That sort of shit.” And that you can be a man of peace all you want, but if trouble comes knocking, you just might have to rip a man’s throat out.

Which he does.

Bodhi in Point Break:

As a surfing bank robber, Swayze played his deepest, and wisest, role of all. Bodhi taught us: “If you want the ultimate, you’ve got to be willing to pay the ultimate price. It’s not tragic to die doing what you love.” 

At the end of the film, Johnny Utah (Keanu Reeves) is prepared to arrest Bodhi. But decides to let him surf one more wave. Utah shakes his hand, telling his friend, “Vaya con Dios, brah.”

Well, Patrick Swayze has entered the waters and will not return from this wave. But just like Johnny Utah sending him off into the ocean, or Col. Bella sending him past in Communist occupied Colorado, all we can say is this:

Vaya con Dios, Patrick Swayze.

It is a commonly known phenomenon that celebrities die in threes. The following deaths all occurred within days of each other: Heath Ledger, Suzanne Pleshette, and Brad Renfro. John Ritter, Johnny Cash, and Warren Zevon. Johnny Cochran, Terri Shiavo, and Pope John Paul II.

With the devastating deaths of both Ed McMahon and Farrah Fawcett, there is only one thing on my mind. Who’s kicking the old bucket next?

Here are the odds given to me by my bookie. Before you say I have a problem, shut the hell up, and check out the following probabilities:

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