Remember those excuses always neatly tucked in your back pocket to get out of a jam with Mommy?

First-term Rep. Eric Massa announced Wednesday that he will not seek reelection, saying his doctors have told him that he can’t continue to “run at 100 miles an hour.”

But several House aides told POLITICO that the House ethics committee has been informed of allegations that the New York Democrat, who is married with two children, made unwanted advances toward a junior male staffer.  [...]

Asked specifically about the sexual-harassment allegations, he said: “When someone makes a decision to leave Congress, everybody says everything. I have health issues. I’ll talk about it [later].”

Massa has suffered from Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. On a conference call with reporters Wednesday afternoon, he said he was hospitalized in December and that his doctors made it clear to him that he needed to slow down. He denied that he was retiring because of a sexual-harassment claim.

By Eddie “Cube” Rawls

Put on your shades.  Kick back.  Pump up the volume to eleven and pop a few hits of ecstasy…

Think, Felini meets severe brain damage meets syphilis meets gingivitis meets An American Carol meets a bag of dog turds.

(Via Indecision)

By Eddie “Cube” Rawls

While the G.O.P. searches for a “pure” conservative leader (although Blunder Woman flies ready to take over in her invisible wolf-killing assault fighter), The Onion unearths a rotten plot to resurrect Republican rigidity.  Also of note, the Cyber-Gods provide a ground breaking opportunity to write the words “Reagan” and “brains” all in one sentence.

Sometimes, you just have to accept these things as the truth.

By: Eddie “Cube” Rawls

Last night’s election results in states I do not reside left a huge impact on complex domestic and foreign issues alike.  Unquestionably, we can extrapolate the results of statewide elections and form one singular conclusion all nuclear physicists and political pundits can agree on as we march towards a more perfect union and world peace…

Read More

I think someone is stalking me. It’s… it’s terrible. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I just stay awake for hours, too frightened to leave the valley, let alone my apartment.  I’ve gone to the police. Nothing. I’ve called my lawyer. Nothing. Nothing can be done to stop this maniac from harassing me. To make matters worse, this nut-job has actually made contact, VIRTUAL contact with me that I cannot ignore. Alright, I’m just going to come out and say it. Deep breath, Josh, deep breath…

Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is following me…. ON TWITTER.

This has gone too far. First, it was Facebook. You know, just some light flirtation. A “come to the general discussion of DMV furloughs” here, a “town hall meeting regarding the future site of the Subway to the Sea” there; I thought it was harmless. But this man is unrelenting. He wants nothing more than to hit me where it hurts… 140 characters at a time.

My anxiety hasn’t been this bad since that thing last year with Michael Ian Black.