Nothing to see here. Move along, move along.

Sometimes, you just have to accept these things as the truth.

Super Tuesday Results

By: Eddie “Cube” Rawls

Last night’s election results in states I do not reside left a huge impact on complex domestic and foreign issues alike.  Unquestionably, we can extrapolate the results of statewide elections and form one singular conclusion all nuclear physicists and political pundits can agree on as we march towards a more perfect union and world peace…

Read the rest of this entry »

Antonio Villaraigosa is following me.

I think someone is stalking me. It’s… it’s terrible. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I just stay awake for hours, too frightened to leave the valley, let alone my apartment.  I’ve gone to the police. Nothing. I’ve called my lawyer. Nothing. Nothing can be done to stop this maniac from harassing me. To make matters worse, this nut-job has actually made contact, VIRTUAL contact with me that I cannot ignore. Alright, I’m just going to come out and say it. Deep breath, Josh, deep breath…

Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is following me…. ON TWITTER.

This has gone too far. First, it was Facebook. You know, just some light flirtation. A “come to the general discussion of DMV furloughs” here, a “town hall meeting regarding the future site of the Subway to the Sea” there; I thought it was harmless. But this man is unrelenting. He wants nothing more than to hit me where it hurts… 140 characters at a time.

My anxiety hasn’t been this bad since that thing last year with Michael Ian Black.

Obama Beer Bash Turns Hostile

In a press conference, President Obama announced Professor Henry Louis Gates and Police Sgt. James Crowley would both be coming to the White House to “have a beer.” The following day, the White House is now in ruins, and all three men have been charged with disorderly conduct, public intoxication, and exposure.

“I sincerely apologize for my actions last night. They could have been recalibrated,” Obama said in a press conference earlier today. “Excuse me, I’m a little hungover.” The President then vomited over the front row of the press core.

Obama recently made comments against Police Officer Crowley, claiming in the arrest of Professor Gates he “acted stupidly” and was racial profiling. By inviting both men to the White House, Obama planned the event as a peace offering. However, the three men could not hold their drink, and the night quickly turned wild.

Four separate noise complaints were filed, and when officers arrived at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, they found the Obama administration had already begun the party. Local college students arrived, bringing kegs and starting games of beer pong in the Oval Office. One young person defecated in the Lincoln bedroom.

Obama, Gates, and Crowley claim to have begun the evening with a casual beer. But soon the shots of Jägermeister came out. After that, Obama claims he has “no recollection” of what transpired next. Apparently, the three men lost Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr. and are currently retracing their steps to find him.

During the party, Joe Biden was said to have called several ex-girlfriends. A source close to the Obama administration has been quoted as saying, “if you think he says dumb things when he’s sober…” In addition, Department of Agriculture Secretary Thomas J. Vilsack drew penises on United States Trade Representative Ambassador Ronald Kirk’s passed out face. Michelle Obama was seen making out with Hilary Clinton and flashing her titties to the cameras.

Upon leaving the White House, Obama, Gates, and Crowley drunkenly walked the streets of Washington D.C. Professor Gates stopped to urinate in the Washington Reflecting Pool. Obama was overhead yelling to Crowley, “you act stupidly, and I’ll just get stupid!” Obama claimed he hadn’t been this “fucked up since … [a] high school coke binge.”

The White House has been left with thousands of dollars in damage and a horse has eaten the Rose Garden. It is the most damage done to the White House since Andrew Jackson’s inauguration party. Although some claim George W. Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” weekend bender came close, with Dick Cheney, plastered on Greygoose, shooting a shotgun at the presidential portrait of Jimmy Carter.

In the aftermath, some political analysts believe Obama’s plan worked all along. An onlooker overheard Gates, while smashing bottles against a car, telling Crowley, “I love you. I do, man. You’re great, man. We’re cool right? Right, man? I love you.”

Levi Johnston’s Inner Monologue: A Retrospective

August 2008

Oh man, guess what? That chick I been nailin who’s mom’s the Governer. Man she just got nominated for Vice President. She’s gonna sit right in the White House with John McCain. And then, after he’s been president or dies or something, she becomes the president. That means I’ll be nailin the president’s daughter! Hell man they’ll probably let me use Presidential Condoms with the seal on ‘em an everything.  Not that I use ‘em. Condoms are for liberal wusses who got no control. I got  a tried and true method, and I ain’t never slipped one past the goalie.

September 2008

Oh, man damn Bristol just got pregnant. Man I can’t believe this happened. Oh, well I’m sure this will want to be kept quiet by the Governor. We’ll probably get on a chopper and fly overnight to some California abortion clinic. I’m sure they don’t want this to leak out. What? Shoot man I’m already on the cover of the Inquirer. Damn those paparazzi. I knew they were hanging around that Anchorage Planned Parenthood for a reason. Uh-oh Levi. You might have gotten yourself into a sticky one here. He he, no pun intended.

October 2008

Can’t believe I’m gonna be a dad. Well at least I’m kind of a celebrity now. I got more myspace hits than anybody in my town. Plus I’m still bangin the governor’s and soon to be president’s daughter and this means we’ll have to get married so I’m in that family for life man. I’ll be like prince Albert over there in England. Except I won’t go to war, I’ll work on an oil rig just like my daddy before me. Yep. Doin God’s work here. Extracting the most useful never-ending natural resource ever seen. We aint never runnin out of this stuff.

November 2008

Damn, I aint getting no lovin at home. Man, her mom won’t get off my case about getting my GED. I ain’t no scholar I keep telling her. I call her “the beast” behind her back, but she doesn’t know. She just keeps collecting Prada.  Don’t matter now, we lost, man we lost huge. Probably was all the Liberal bias in the media. At least we got to stay in the Plaza for free when we went to that demon hell-hole New York City. I never seen so many Jews and homosexuals together in my whole life.  Bristol called it “Jew York City” I’m still laughin about that one.

December 2008

Ain’t this baby ever gonna come? I been playin the skin flute and dressin up in collared shirts for three months now. I thought it would all pay off when I was sittin pretty on the White House back porch shootin clay pigeons and tearin my four-wheeler around Camp David. The beast better get off my case now about helping with the baby when it comes. This aint fun anymore. Bristol is bigger than a Kardashian now!

January 2009

Aw, man That should be me up there on the Lincoln Memorial. The damn black guy got all the votes. Stupid electoral process ruins everything. Why can’t just the real Americans get to vote? Man, we gotta find a way to be president. I can’t deal with this baby in Alaska. I’m gonna need some government assistance with this one. Hey, I guess it doesn’t matter whether we get to be the first family or now. Either way, the government  is takin care of this baby. It’s either White House baby food or runnin up the expense account at the Governors Beast’s office. Either way, I win baby!

February 2009

Bristol better get that baby away from me before I punt it out the back door. I am so sick of her and  “The Beast” yellin at me about tracking oil in from the oil rig. I work on an oil rig ladies. Do you know what that means? I get oil all over myself every day and sometimes it gets on my shoes and gets tracked into the house. I thought we bought stain-master carpet for just such a reason. God, I hate you both.

March 2009

Bristol and me split up for good. I still gotta pay for that baby, but at least I’m free from “The Beast”  Now who wants to date the former Mr. Bristol Palin. Check out my resume I was a near miss for first family. I’m free and available ladies. Who wants to date? I’m movin to Florida. Can’t wait to see the book I write.  

“Where We’re Going - We Don’t NEED Roads”

That was a quote by the most famous, alluringly radiant and pulchritudinous scientist I know - Emmett ‘Doc’ Brown, who by the way – invented the TIME MACHINE!  But in actuality, where my friends (Iceman, Nitro and Bob) and I did go – we surely did need roads. You may wonder what in the name of the mythological Minotaur am I talking about?

And no – I’m not talking about how I once traveled from Manhattan to Brooklyn to witness a friend actually knock out Mike Tyson – first round, UPPER CUT, JAB, UPPER CUT, in Tyson’s Punch Out (greatest game ever!) Or beat Contra without using the cheating code. Contra’s a war zone, friends.

But I digress.

I’m only talking about the most exciting road trip (courtesy of Greyhound) in the history of historical histories. 

I’m talking about a road trip to the STATE OF THE UNION. Curtail the excitement please. My fingers are shaking as I type this…

Suddenly, I’m hyperventilating in a brown paper bag.

First – before entering the bus – we had to go through our checklist for this trip.

1.)    Condoms – CHECK

2.)    Alcohol – CHECK

3.)    SHROOMS – DOUBLE CHECK

4.)    Head Shot of Nancy Pelosi - CHECKMATE

These are necessities for a State of the Union – for tailgating, of course.

Secondly, we had to get our posters ready for some celebrity signatures. Forget Tom Cruise, Zac Efron, Brad Pitt, the dude from Slumdog Millionaire or any ‘Hollywood’ folk. I’m talking about getting me some Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, House Majority Leader Steny H. Hoyer and if we’re lucky – I mean LOTTO lucky – getting Freshman Rep. Jared Polis – a new hottie Democrat from Colorado.

Most of you would question – why not get Obama’s autograph? And I’ll answer – he’s old news now. FIVE WEEKS – PUH-LEASE. Give me a little Rep. Earl Blumenauer from Oregon and that’ll be the cherry on top of my State of the Union Sundae.

By the time we arrived at our destination, the shrooms were kicking in, hallucinations of Nancy Pelosi speaking to me in Yiddish were apparent and the alcohol had reached the point of poisoning. We stepped off the bus, condom wrappers open and placed on point (just in case opportunity presented itself) and the party was just about to begin.

We put our lawn chairs down, cracked open a cold beer and waited for the hoards of people to start arriving.

After fifteen minutes, and a tumbleweed blowing through the dirt field, we started freaking out – like ‘Requiem for a Dream’ freaking out. We asked a local man when the tailgating would start for the State of the Union.

He didn’t know what were we talking about. So, I grabbed his stained collar, kicked him in the pelvis, got up in his face and spit out words of disgust.

And then a voice, maybe God, maybe the narrator from ‘Field of Dreams’ or possibly James Earl Jones, came from above and told us something interesting.

“You are in Centralia, Pennsylvania.”

Confused, we didn’t know what to do. Stuck, lost and scared – we did the only thing three dudes on shrooms, with condoms on and alcohol poisoning would do…

We hopped on the saddle of a Minotaur and rode back into the sunset - bound for Manhattan.

*This was for entertainment purposes only. A Minotaur does not really exist. Drugs are illegal and wrong. And, although a possibility, I do not think anyone would tailgate for the State of the Union.

Sometimes, you just have to accept these things as the truth.

By: Eddie “Cube” Rawls

Last night’s election results in states I do not reside left a huge impact on complex domestic and foreign issues alike.  Unquestionably, we can extrapolate the results of statewide elections and form one singular conclusion all nuclear physicists and political pundits can agree on as we march towards a more perfect union and world peace…

Read the rest of this entry »

I think someone is stalking me. It’s… it’s terrible. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I just stay awake for hours, too frightened to leave the valley, let alone my apartment.  I’ve gone to the police. Nothing. I’ve called my lawyer. Nothing. Nothing can be done to stop this maniac from harassing me. To make matters worse, this nut-job has actually made contact, VIRTUAL contact with me that I cannot ignore. Alright, I’m just going to come out and say it. Deep breath, Josh, deep breath…

Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is following me…. ON TWITTER.

This has gone too far. First, it was Facebook. You know, just some light flirtation. A “come to the general discussion of DMV furloughs” here, a “town hall meeting regarding the future site of the Subway to the Sea” there; I thought it was harmless. But this man is unrelenting. He wants nothing more than to hit me where it hurts… 140 characters at a time.

My anxiety hasn’t been this bad since that thing last year with Michael Ian Black.

In a press conference, President Obama announced Professor Henry Louis Gates and Police Sgt. James Crowley would both be coming to the White House to “have a beer.” The following day, the White House is now in ruins, and all three men have been charged with disorderly conduct, public intoxication, and exposure.

“I sincerely apologize for my actions last night. They could have been recalibrated,” Obama said in a press conference earlier today. “Excuse me, I’m a little hungover.” The President then vomited over the front row of the press core.

Obama recently made comments against Police Officer Crowley, claiming in the arrest of Professor Gates he “acted stupidly” and was racial profiling. By inviting both men to the White House, Obama planned the event as a peace offering. However, the three men could not hold their drink, and the night quickly turned wild.

Four separate noise complaints were filed, and when officers arrived at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, they found the Obama administration had already begun the party. Local college students arrived, bringing kegs and starting games of beer pong in the Oval Office. One young person defecated in the Lincoln bedroom.

Obama, Gates, and Crowley claim to have begun the evening with a casual beer. But soon the shots of Jägermeister came out. After that, Obama claims he has “no recollection” of what transpired next. Apparently, the three men lost Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr. and are currently retracing their steps to find him.

During the party, Joe Biden was said to have called several ex-girlfriends. A source close to the Obama administration has been quoted as saying, “if you think he says dumb things when he’s sober…” In addition, Department of Agriculture Secretary Thomas J. Vilsack drew penises on United States Trade Representative Ambassador Ronald Kirk’s passed out face. Michelle Obama was seen making out with Hilary Clinton and flashing her titties to the cameras.

Upon leaving the White House, Obama, Gates, and Crowley drunkenly walked the streets of Washington D.C. Professor Gates stopped to urinate in the Washington Reflecting Pool. Obama was overhead yelling to Crowley, “you act stupidly, and I’ll just get stupid!” Obama claimed he hadn’t been this “fucked up since … [a] high school coke binge.”

The White House has been left with thousands of dollars in damage and a horse has eaten the Rose Garden. It is the most damage done to the White House since Andrew Jackson’s inauguration party. Although some claim George W. Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” weekend bender came close, with Dick Cheney, plastered on Greygoose, shooting a shotgun at the presidential portrait of Jimmy Carter.

In the aftermath, some political analysts believe Obama’s plan worked all along. An onlooker overheard Gates, while smashing bottles against a car, telling Crowley, “I love you. I do, man. You’re great, man. We’re cool right? Right, man? I love you.”

August 2008

Oh man, guess what? That chick I been nailin who’s mom’s the Governer. Man she just got nominated for Vice President. She’s gonna sit right in the White House with John McCain. And then, after he’s been president or dies or something, she becomes the president. That means I’ll be nailin the president’s daughter! Hell man they’ll probably let me use Presidential Condoms with the seal on ‘em an everything.  Not that I use ‘em. Condoms are for liberal wusses who got no control. I got  a tried and true method, and I ain’t never slipped one past the goalie.

September 2008

Oh, man damn Bristol just got pregnant. Man I can’t believe this happened. Oh, well I’m sure this will want to be kept quiet by the Governor. We’ll probably get on a chopper and fly overnight to some California abortion clinic. I’m sure they don’t want this to leak out. What? Shoot man I’m already on the cover of the Inquirer. Damn those paparazzi. I knew they were hanging around that Anchorage Planned Parenthood for a reason. Uh-oh Levi. You might have gotten yourself into a sticky one here. He he, no pun intended.

October 2008

Can’t believe I’m gonna be a dad. Well at least I’m kind of a celebrity now. I got more myspace hits than anybody in my town. Plus I’m still bangin the governor’s and soon to be president’s daughter and this means we’ll have to get married so I’m in that family for life man. I’ll be like prince Albert over there in England. Except I won’t go to war, I’ll work on an oil rig just like my daddy before me. Yep. Doin God’s work here. Extracting the most useful never-ending natural resource ever seen. We aint never runnin out of this stuff.

November 2008

Damn, I aint getting no lovin at home. Man, her mom won’t get off my case about getting my GED. I ain’t no scholar I keep telling her. I call her “the beast” behind her back, but she doesn’t know. She just keeps collecting Prada.  Don’t matter now, we lost, man we lost huge. Probably was all the Liberal bias in the media. At least we got to stay in the Plaza for free when we went to that demon hell-hole New York City. I never seen so many Jews and homosexuals together in my whole life.  Bristol called it “Jew York City” I’m still laughin about that one.

December 2008

Ain’t this baby ever gonna come? I been playin the skin flute and dressin up in collared shirts for three months now. I thought it would all pay off when I was sittin pretty on the White House back porch shootin clay pigeons and tearin my four-wheeler around Camp David. The beast better get off my case now about helping with the baby when it comes. This aint fun anymore. Bristol is bigger than a Kardashian now!

January 2009

Aw, man That should be me up there on the Lincoln Memorial. The damn black guy got all the votes. Stupid electoral process ruins everything. Why can’t just the real Americans get to vote? Man, we gotta find a way to be president. I can’t deal with this baby in Alaska. I’m gonna need some government assistance with this one. Hey, I guess it doesn’t matter whether we get to be the first family or now. Either way, the government  is takin care of this baby. It’s either White House baby food or runnin up the expense account at the Governors Beast’s office. Either way, I win baby!

February 2009

Bristol better get that baby away from me before I punt it out the back door. I am so sick of her and  “The Beast” yellin at me about tracking oil in from the oil rig. I work on an oil rig ladies. Do you know what that means? I get oil all over myself every day and sometimes it gets on my shoes and gets tracked into the house. I thought we bought stain-master carpet for just such a reason. God, I hate you both.

March 2009

Bristol and me split up for good. I still gotta pay for that baby, but at least I’m free from “The Beast”  Now who wants to date the former Mr. Bristol Palin. Check out my resume I was a near miss for first family. I’m free and available ladies. Who wants to date? I’m movin to Florida. Can’t wait to see the book I write.  

That was a quote by the most famous, alluringly radiant and pulchritudinous scientist I know - Emmett ‘Doc’ Brown, who by the way – invented the TIME MACHINE!  But in actuality, where my friends (Iceman, Nitro and Bob) and I did go – we surely did need roads. You may wonder what in the name of the mythological Minotaur am I talking about?

And no – I’m not talking about how I once traveled from Manhattan to Brooklyn to witness a friend actually knock out Mike Tyson – first round, UPPER CUT, JAB, UPPER CUT, in Tyson’s Punch Out (greatest game ever!) Or beat Contra without using the cheating code. Contra’s a war zone, friends.

But I digress.

I’m only talking about the most exciting road trip (courtesy of Greyhound) in the history of historical histories. 

I’m talking about a road trip to the STATE OF THE UNION. Curtail the excitement please. My fingers are shaking as I type this…

Suddenly, I’m hyperventilating in a brown paper bag.

First – before entering the bus – we had to go through our checklist for this trip.

1.)    Condoms – CHECK

2.)    Alcohol – CHECK

3.)    SHROOMS – DOUBLE CHECK

4.)    Head Shot of Nancy Pelosi - CHECKMATE

These are necessities for a State of the Union – for tailgating, of course.

Secondly, we had to get our posters ready for some celebrity signatures. Forget Tom Cruise, Zac Efron, Brad Pitt, the dude from Slumdog Millionaire or any ‘Hollywood’ folk. I’m talking about getting me some Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, House Majority Leader Steny H. Hoyer and if we’re lucky – I mean LOTTO lucky – getting Freshman Rep. Jared Polis – a new hottie Democrat from Colorado.

Most of you would question – why not get Obama’s autograph? And I’ll answer – he’s old news now. FIVE WEEKS – PUH-LEASE. Give me a little Rep. Earl Blumenauer from Oregon and that’ll be the cherry on top of my State of the Union Sundae.

By the time we arrived at our destination, the shrooms were kicking in, hallucinations of Nancy Pelosi speaking to me in Yiddish were apparent and the alcohol had reached the point of poisoning. We stepped off the bus, condom wrappers open and placed on point (just in case opportunity presented itself) and the party was just about to begin.

We put our lawn chairs down, cracked open a cold beer and waited for the hoards of people to start arriving.

After fifteen minutes, and a tumbleweed blowing through the dirt field, we started freaking out – like ‘Requiem for a Dream’ freaking out. We asked a local man when the tailgating would start for the State of the Union.

He didn’t know what were we talking about. So, I grabbed his stained collar, kicked him in the pelvis, got up in his face and spit out words of disgust.

And then a voice, maybe God, maybe the narrator from ‘Field of Dreams’ or possibly James Earl Jones, came from above and told us something interesting.

“You are in Centralia, Pennsylvania.”

Confused, we didn’t know what to do. Stuck, lost and scared – we did the only thing three dudes on shrooms, with condoms on and alcohol poisoning would do…

We hopped on the saddle of a Minotaur and rode back into the sunset - bound for Manhattan.

*This was for entertainment purposes only. A Minotaur does not really exist. Drugs are illegal and wrong. And, although a possibility, I do not think anyone would tailgate for the State of the Union.