When Scream came out in the 90’s, it was a revolutionary horror film. It was post-modern, actively mocking the genre of scary movies, while being quite scary itself. Scream 2 had interesting moments by satirizing sequel conventions: more blood, bigger body count, and ridiculous killers. Even Scream 3 had something interesting to say about trilogy conventions: in the last movies in trilogies, all bets are off, and anyone can die. Good stuff.

Now they are discussing Scream 4.

Before you start rioting in the streets, overturning cars, firebombing small businesses, and shooting people from bell towers, I may have a way to make this worthwhile.

You see, I am an unemployed screenwriter. I have already written a script based on the life story of turn of the century politician William Jennings Bryan – but as a comedy. It is Forrest Gump meets Citizen Kane meets American Pie Presents Band Camp.

So, I’m clearly qualified to write the fourth Scream film. And here’s my idea.

You make it where the film is satirizing the recent craze of horror movie remakes. It’s the “remake” killer. He starts killing everyone in the same way as previous horror films.

And you totally get Neve Campbell to star in it, and put her face on the poster, but in the first scene she gets a phone call, and she’s totally like “hey this is just like the first Scream movie,” and the killer is like, “yeah, I’m the remake killer,” and she’s like, “remakes are never as good as the original,” and he’s like, “this one is,” and then he totally stabs Neve Campbell and she fucking dies man, and the audience is like, “oh shit,” and I’m like, “hell yeah!”

And remember in the first three movies, they are making a movie based on the story of the first movie. Well, in this one, they are remaking the movie based on the first movie, and the killer is killing according to the script for the remake to the first movie.

Get it? Doesn’t matter. The movie’s gonna have boobs in it.

So, Academy Awards, please spell my name correctly when engraving my award.

And if anyone is interested in my historical sex romp about little known Chautauqua speaker, anti-imperialist, trust busting, three time Presidential nominee, Secretary of State, and pimp William Jennings Bryan, please email me for details.

This past week Natasha and I went on a search for one original screenplay idea in Los Angeles since everything seems to be a remake. Lampoon’s Sandy Danto thought he had the answers…not so much.

The Skinny Ep.6 - “Desperately Seeking Originality”