It’s time for another installment in the Self-Help series brought to you by National Lampoon. With Valentine’s Day just behind us, it’s fitting that we take an in depth look at the reasons why you may have spent this glorious holiday, sad, alone, and masturbating to old episodes of 21 Jump Street. We have consulted top experts in the field of “single-studies” (an academic off shoot of Feminism) to aid us in our study. We have condensed our years of research conveniently into a top 10 list for your reading …

The end is near. The Rapture is upon us. We have nothing left to do but drink, steal, and make sweet love to anyone and everyone of legal consent. That’s right, the Astrological Sign system has been turned on its head, and we are left to wallow in its mighty Zodiac power. Here’s just a preview of what is to come, in a top 5 list:

5. Dating will never be the same, who will match up with the new Ophiuchus? How will we be able to procreate without the means …

Sing, goddess, the anger of Mad’s son Michael
And its devastation, which put pain thousandfold upon
Zaller and his Zaz.

What was it then set them together in bitter collision?
The sad sombrero, or the menacing moustache—marauding
in guise of greater guile?
Strike up in your mind’s eye, noble Madsen
Just how you’ve made alien your most loyal
Apostle, who preached your gospel and sung your praise:

Yes, Madsen: mind most high
(whose penis prevails perpetual
the proof of which lies potent
in the pudding of Zaller’s visage)
scholar and renaissance man,
who no doubt appreciates this English heroic verse,
why forsake ye your truest …

Firing people over their Facebook lifestyle is the new cool thing to do, behind lay offs.