This is a mid-week update of the rich and famous a.k.a celebrities who do stupid things that make us laugh.

Rapper C. Murder is on trial for the 2002 shooting and killing of a fan. His defense plans to show that this is just how he gives autographs. A bullet, some blood and murder! What fan can’t appreciate that?

Paula Abdul is leaving “American Idol,” but she made the announcement on twitter first, which may explain why it was news to her when she finally sobered up and realized what she twittered, tweet, twit.

Joe Jackson has confirmed rumors that Omer Bhatti is Michael Jackson secret fourth son. He said, “He looks like a Jackson, he can dance like a Jackson too.” So I guess that makes Chris Brown, Ne-Yo and Usher Jackson’s estranged sons, too.

With that said, Michael Jackson’s estranged son Chris Brown may be closer to punching Rihanna in the face again. She’s asking the judge to throw out the Restraining Order. Looks like Tina Turner may soon have some competition.

Miley Cyrus’ stalker is obviously crazy — there’s no question about it. He could be out stalking Megan Fox, but instead he picks Hannah Montana. Now that truly is a nut.

Lady GaGa does an acoustic version of Poker Face on Japanese television. As if the song is serious enough to require an acoustic version – she’s not Bob Dylan. But what’s even more frightening is the dead bat or puppy she decides to attach to her head. I hear naked PETA protesters coming around the corner.

Did Bill Clinton apologize in North Korea to gain the release of the two imprisoned journalist? That’s what conservatives want to know. Who cares? The real question is did Bill Clinton apologize to Hillary for the jizz on the intern’s dress who obviously doesn’t believe in dry cleaning.

The controversial artist Daniel Edwards has created a sculpture of a nude Angelina Jolie supposedly breastfeeding her twins, Knox and Vivienne. Maybe the babies are Benjamin Button when he aged backwards to a newborn.

Earlier today, Chris Brown posted a video on YouTube in which he formally and eloquently apologized for punching his girlfriend Rihanna in the face.

After the apology, Brown added: “I feel so ashamed because my mother and my spiritual teachers have taught me better than that. My mother always told me to punch a Jew in the face, not my beautiful girlfriend Rihanna. Since that night in February, a moment I wish I could change, I’ve regretted my transference of emotions to my lovely and talented lover. I want to set the record straight: I meant to punch Alan Goldstein, my accountant, in the face. That Heeb has been busting my balls to stop buying cars and jewelry. He has this nasally voice that makes my bowels knot up into a ball so tight I could sh*t out a diamond. I specifically want to make a latke out of that guy’s face. Not Rihanna’s. I infinitely regret my decision to punch Rihanna in the face. She is a lovely, beautiful, talented, and dear woman who, more than any other Jew, does not deserved to be punched in the face.”

Chris Brown followed up this statement with his plan to hold a month-long residency in Iran.

The history of the recording industry is less a trajectory of artistic and technological advances in music than an unremitting lesson in tragedy and resilience. In what seems to be a sick contrivance of the music gods, Michael Jackson’s death occurred only months after the 50^th anniversary of “The Day the Music Died”—the fateful date of Buddy Holly’s demise in a freak plane crash. Over the course of this ominous half-century, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has suffered the untimely passing of Elvis Presley, John Lennon, Jimi Hendrix and Kurt Cobain, along with dozens of other setbacks like Napster and Ashlee Simpson.

But neither the unfortunate deaths of yesteryear’s stars nor the legal setbacks of today can compare to the irremediable damage caused by the infamous Guns N’ Roses/Dr. Pepper incident which transpired at the close of the 2008 calendar year. Because the only person who tells Axl Rose what to do is Axl Rose. And Dr. Pepper. But especially, Dr. Pepper.

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“My hair just lands like this naturally”, Rihanna said yesterday, when asked WHY she would be drawing attention to herself, after having publicly forgiven Chris Brown for beating her to a pulp, disappointing women’s rights groups around the globe. When asked about the glasses, she responded “Women have come a long way with regards to domestic violence…  Fashionably concealing it, I mean.”

After Chris Brown posted this “I Am Not a Monster,” video on Youtube we talked to a Monster to get his perspective:

“I agree he’s not a monster. So if people are calling him that, stop! I’m tired of seeing my name dragged through the mud. I am a monster, and I am proud of it. I hide in closets, I scare kids, sometimes I do special appearances in movies, but I don’t punch my girlfriend in the head, bite her, or slam her head up against car windows. So people, please stop calling this vile creature a monster. You know what else, I’d like to take this time to tell you that I Am Not a Chris Brown!”

He’s strong

Everyone knows Chris Brown has some flaws.  He beat the shit out of his girlfriend, for one.  According to an article in the New York Daily News, though, Rihanna was reluctant to cooperate with police in the investigation.  That’s right!  Reluctant!

Furthermore, she flat out refused to testify against Brown at his trial today.  Now, in her defense, he probably won’t face real consequences either way - unless you count spending lots of money on lawyers, which you shouldn’t - so she would probably just be wasting time that could better be spent starting rumors in Miami.

This seemingly irrational behavior may, of course, be due to “contusions on the side of her head” which doctors are “concerned about” and that left “her blood” all over the “interior of the car.”  But if you’re an optimist you’d like to think that maybe Chris Brown just has some really great qualities that outweigh that one little flaw.  Like what, you ask?  Well I interviewed Rihanna and she had this to say about her man:

-He always remembers proper toilet seat etiquette.
-He’s soooo cute when he’s sleeping.
-He tells this great joke about a Jewish mother driving instructor.  It’s like she’s just bugging him about wearing a jacket the whole time and they crash I think?  You have to hear him tell it.
-He always buys flowers for his girlfriend the day after he beats the shit out of her.  Also really sincerely apologizes after each blow.
-He can do that thing where you shoot a beer bottle cap across the room by snapping your fingers.
-His house has a pleasing color scheme.
-Has a great recipe for peach cobbler.  He may actually have gotten it online, but still he makes it really well and that’s a hard peach-based dessert to make.
-Has traveled a lot.
-No longer flicks bottle caps at girlfriends when they are sleeping.
-Responds to emails quickly.
-Is surprisingly good with dogs.
-Knows enough about cars to avoid getting ripped off by mechanics.  That’s more important than you think.
-Lets girlfriends get away with a fair amount of sass-mouth before punching them in the face.
-Is good about rinsing out recyclables.
-Is rich rapper.

Well there you go.  Good luck, Rihanna!  I don’t know if I would testify against him either!