(Re-posting in honor of New Moon coming out today)

Robert Pattinson creeps me the hell out. I haven’t even seen his vampire movie. All I know him as is the kid who died in the Goblet of Fire and the guy who takes creepy photos. Look at the above picture. There’s something very, very wrong about him. He has Ivan Drago’s chin, hair you see on your average homeless man and dead eyes. Cold, dead eyes.

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Since the moment Summit Entertainment announced its plans to make New Moon, its much anticipated sequel to Twilight, the company has been under pressure from millions of moms and tweens who are desperate to absorb every new bit of sexy, lucrative minutiae. In April, Summit whetted our appetites with news that Robert Pattinson’s character would feature more prominently in the film than he did in the book (natch). Later, at the MTV Movie Awards, we were permitted a fleeting look at Taylor Lautner’s imposing lupine avatar. Now, for the first time in like a week, Summit Entertainment has released a BRAND NEW FEATURETTE telling us everything we ever wanted to know about New Moon.

For example, one thing we learn about New Moon is that “New Moon is a lot more complicated than Twilight was.” SHIT. If Matrix Revolutions is any indication, complication is the LAST thing you want in a sequel. “Cookies need love like everything does.” –Agent Smith. I mean, Twilight is already complicated enough as it is, at times even heartbreaking-ly confusing. Case in point: this particularly profound exchange:

Billy

Any luck with the Waylon case?

Charlie

(darkening)

Found a footprint out at the crime scene today. A bear human footprint.

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Both sanctimonious fans and normal, mentally stable consumers of pop-culture agree that the five extant Harry Potter films have gifted us some of the most awesome scenes in recent cinematic history, like when Ralph Fiennes emerges in full form as a terrifying, proboscis-less overlord, but especially when Robert Pattinson emerges in full form as a gorgeous jock with an unlikely heart of gold, but especially when Daniel Radcliffe emerges in full form from a satisfying and productive bubble bath. Now, with two days to go before the release of the penultimate Harry Potter film—Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince—moviegoers are asking: what twisted visual tricks and mind games have filmmakers created to make the franchise more awesome than ever before?

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An extremely relaxed Robert Pattinson was attacked by wolves last night in New York after making an early exit from the China Club. A female bystander offered assistance to Pattinson, but she immediately fainted upon realizing who the disheveled, bleeding actor was. An intoxicated man on a nearby street corner advised the young, pale thespian to run away from the wolves “super fast like that gay vampire you play”, but Pattinson brushed off the jibe by simply saying, “Vampires aren’t real.”

It is unknown why the wolves attacked Pattinson, or whether or not they know that vampires aren’t real. The feral pack was last seen pacing in front of a nearby 7-11 that the actor entered to purchase antiseptic cream and a Diet Tab cola.

In the still, reflective hours after the Season 2 premiere of HBO’s True Blood, many ravenous fans are turning to the blogosphere in order to battle out the eternal question: which vampire franchise is awesomest? It could very well be True Blood, last summer’s hit series about the legalization of vampires in America. Or it could be the Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter novels, which explored the same topic some ten years earlier. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s Twilight, which does need an explanation. If you’ve never heard of Twilight, you’ve probably never heard of the internet, either.

The contenders: Twilight, True Blood, Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter

If you are a teenage girl, a middle-aged mom with repressed sexual fantasies or simply a disinterested passenger on a plane who has been forced to listen to teenage girls and middle-aged moms talk about vampires—then we can help. The following is a list of the four requisite qualities of vampire franchises, and how these series stack up against them.

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It seems like the “it” thing right now is vampires and I blame the millions of Twi-tards all around the world for this bloody phenomenon.  If you don’t know what a twi-tard is it’s someone who is into Twilight.  I’m not talking about the people who enjoy the books and have seen the movie once or twice.  I’m talking bat-$h*t crazy Twilight fans.  Some Twi-tards have even gone as far as scratching themselves to the point of bleeding and then screaming to Robert Pattinson “I DID THIS FOR YOU!!!!”.  Since it seems like this obsession is going to stay around for a while, here’s some books that may or may not help you land your very own Edward.

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