The most recent cover of People magazine features the long awaited reunion of the “Saved by the Bell” cast.  It was a fantastic photo that captured the group looking almost as young and sprightly as they did during their hay day.  Of course, one familiar face was quite noticeably missing.

Dustin Diamond , aka Samuel “Screech” Powers, is nowhere to be found on the cover.  It even appears that his image was photoshopped out of the top right corner of the 1989 photo.  Many have speculated about the reason behind the snub.  Rumors have indicated that the cast is angry at Diamond for his recent misbehavior and his upcoming tell-all book.  Now it has been confirmed that Diamond was left out because of contractual reasons not personal reasons.

When People decided to go forward with the “Saved by the Bell” reunion cover, the contract included a “No Douchebags Clause.”  The “No Douchebags Clause” is a common fixture in magazine publishing often used to prevent the glorification of sh*theads.  Here is a portion of the contract released to the public:

…No images shall appear on the cover depicting persons deemed to be douchebags.  In the event that a douchebag is granted entry onto a photo shoot by a non-douchebag, the douchebag will be escorted off the premises and the non-douchebag will be fined no less than five hundred dollars.  If any persons are denied inclusion in a cover, they may appeal to a committee of executives and pending the result, may appear on future covers. ..

Dustin Diamond, who has appeared in a sex tape, acted like an assh*le on reality television, and neglected to pay over $20,000 in taxes, clearly violated the clause and was thus unable to participate in the reunion cover.  Diamond has not challenged People ’s ruling that he is a douchebag because he “knows better than anyone else what a scumbag [he] is.”  He has commended the publication for being “a good judge of character.”

There is still no word as to whether the “No Douchebags Clause” is also responsible for the absence of Dennis Haskins , aka Mr. Belding.  However, People has released a statement in response to claims that Mario Lopez , aka A.C. Slater, should have been left off the cover as well.

We understand that as a television host and reality show contestant, Mr. Lopez is a bit of a tool, but he has at least been very successful and is a good person for the most part.  People can look at Mr. Lopez and not vomit.  That’s a good thing.

Zack Morris dropped that sham acting gig as Mark-Paul Gosselaar and went back to being himself last night on the Jimmy Fallon show. Why Zack would choose to announce this to that laugh-murdering, bore-hound Jimmy Fallon is beyond me, but it’s nice to see him drop that “I’m and adult!” act and do what he does best–give sneaky monologues to an invisible audience!

Apparently, Zack–with gigantic cell phone in tow–is aiming to get the “Saved By The Bell” gang back together for a reunion show. It is very rare that a reality show gets a reunion so long after its original airing, but I think it is welcome breath of fresh air. Viewers are tired of watching those shrill nerds on “The Big Bang Theory”, anyway!

With a “Saved By The Bell” reunion on the horizon, one’s mind wonders what happened to the rest of the “Bell” gang. Let’s take a short jaunt down memory lane and see what happened…

Samuel “Screech” Powers

While he gained some success as playing douche bag named Dustin Diamond on a lame drama called “Celebrity Fit Club”, Samuel has fallen off the radar as of late. Hopefully, he has also fallen into a very deep well and died. If the fall didn’t kill him, hopefully the C.H.U.D.s did. To be honest, Screech was annoying, and I could care less if he returns to the gang… even if it’s in a coffin.

Albert Clifford “A.C.” Slater

Young Albert moved on from Bayside High with great hopes. For a while, he kicked it as a bicycle cop on the mean beaches of Santa Monica. He then moved on to progressively lamer gigs, hitting the bottom of the barrel so hard that he ended up as a guest on Carlos Mencia’s show. He tried to resurrect his career by playing Mario Lopez on a dance-action show called “Dancing With The Stars”, but all that did was make people think that he’s gay. There are rumors that Albert has been begging his old high school chums for months to reunite for reality show greatness. It looks like his wish has been granted!

Lisa Turtle

Little princess Lisa had a tough time after graduating from Bayside High. For a while, she dated rich, older men in the hopes of entangling one in marriage and never having to work again. When her excuses got old and the rich old men got wise, Lisa had to hit the streets and get to work. She actually got some acting work as Lark Voorhies on the time-bending, science-fiction epic “Black To The Future” on VH1, but that didn’t last long. Lisa finally had to pack up her dreams and move to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where she currently works as a slushy technician for 7-11.

Jessica “Jessie” Myrtle Spano

Outside of Screech, Jessica had the worst go of it after graduating from the “reality” of “Saved By The Bell” to the real world. She became a prostitute under the alias “Elizabeth Berkley” (which is an anagram for “Bazilthee Klerbey”–coincidence?), and sold herself to the highest bidders–which always happened to be Joel Eszterhas and Paul Verhoeven. Jessica tried to pick up the shattered pieces of her life and starred in dance-action comedy “Step It Up and Dance”–under her “Berkley” whore moniker–but that venture soon fizzled. Maybe a “Saved by the Bell” reunion could save Jessie’s life.

Kelly Kapowski

Oh, young, lovely Kelly! What happened to you? After enchanting many teenage boy’s hearts, Kelly moved on to head a variety of failed hot sauce companies–fifteen in all. Kelly never explaine why she loved hot sauce so much, but she apparently didn’t know how to market it. After going bankrupt for the fifth time, Kelly became a traitor to her Bayside buddies when she took a big paycheck to appear on competing reality show “Beverly Hills 90210″. With “90210″ long gone, and Kelly back to dire straits, how will her classmates greet her at a reunion–with hugs, or daggers?

Mr. Richard Belding

Mr. Belding took the ending of “Saved By The Bell” in perfect stride. He followed up his memorable gig as principal at Bayside High with many other, less memorable, principal jobs. From New Jersey to Delaware, Mr. Belding enacted his brand of principal-ing on eager students. At this very moment, Mr. Belding is said to disciplining a flagpole sitter at P.S. 119 in Dover, Delaware. When asked if he would be willing to visit a reunion of his old students, Mr. Belding was quoted as saying, “Sure, I guess I can take a few personal days, but why do those kids need a principal? Aren’t they all over 30 now? Move on kids!”

Zachary “Zack” Morris

And now back to the man with the plan–Zack Morris. After dying his golden locks with the hope of being taken seriously as an adult, Zack took on the persona of “Mark-Paul Gosselaar” (the most made-up sounding name, ever!) and tried to become an actor. After a string of failed lawyer shows (50!), Zack took up greasing overweight patrons out of waterslides at the Schiltterbahn Waterpark in New Braunfels, Texas. Realizing that he couldn’t spend his prime greasing up chubbins in Texas, Zack decided to ditch his “Mark-Paul” persona and get hit the gravy train. One can only hope he stays true to himself this time.

Wow, what a history! Brings back memories, doesn’t it? And since I so cleverly ended with Zack, let’s look at his performance on the soul-shattering Late Night With Jimmy Fallon: