By Garrett “Sphere” Hargrove

Ebert called the blue Giraffe lady (Neytiri) in Avatar “sexy“.  Not seeing it just based on the previews.  Maybe in full IMAX 3-D with her smurf boobs popping out at you, it changes things.  But there’s not a great legacy of sexy aliens in movie and TV history, so we always appreciate more.  So where does she fall in the spectrum of the all time sexiest aliens?

Not Sure if It Counts: Number Six & Number Eight from “Battlestar Galactica”

I haven’t seen BG to know if they count.  They’re really hot humanoid Cylons.  Does being humanoid disqualify her?  Not sure even though I made up the list.  Regardless, here’s a picture of them to kick things off (Six on top of Eight.  Wish I had a picture of that):

Not Sure if It Counts: Leeloo from The Fifth Element

She may or may not be alien.  She’s the key to Earth’s survival.  She’s the Fifth Element of Earth in addition to Earth, Wind, Fire and Water.  She had the best fight scene of anybody on this list.  But again, just don’t think she’s an alien.

Rest of the list after the break:

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I am only a minor nerd.

Sure, I attended Star Wars midnight showings. Sure, I came in costume as Thane-akin Skywalker. Sure, I still have my Jedi robes that my mom sewed for me (which I still maintain was the saddest day of her life.)

But, as Comic-Con begins, I must reflect on the plight of the nerds. Comic-Con, with only 22,000 geeks in attendance in 1992, has turned into a Hollywood promotional free for all. Attendance is expected to exceed 125,000.

Rummaging through my thousands of fan e-mails today, I found this particularly stunning piece, sent from the opening night of Comic-Con in San Diego.

Dear Thane,

Big fan. First time writer. My name is Norman Wheenier. I have been attending Comic-Con for fifteen years now. And I fear for its legitimacy. Why? Let me put it this way: it’s like high school all over again.

This used to be a safe place for a man to walk around in his Spock ears or wearing a black power ring, bearing the symbol of Green Lantern’s super-villain Black Hand, who after his death is resurrected by Scar, when he regurgitated the first black power ring, and is told by Scar that he is now the living embodiment of the black light.

The Hollywood jocks now walk down the hallways like they own the place. They think they can promote whatever they want here. Including the new Patricia Heaton family sitcom. Seriously.

And don’t get me started on the Lost fans, who think they are so cool. Listen, you don’t know what it’s like to be a super fan. Lost has been consistently strong for five seasons. That’s nothing. Try sticking with Star Wars through Episode I or The Clone Wars, or sticking with Star Trek through the Next Generation episode Masks, where Data becomes an Aztec Sun God.

And the popular kids from Twilight are making life a living hell for me. They mock my Star Fleet uniform, while going nuts for that stupid haired Robert Pattinson loser who looks like he jizzes his pants everytime he sees that Bella girl. Why not go crazy for a real stud, like Jean Luc Picard? Twilight is trash. There are better written books, like Tolkein’s LotR trilogy, or Rigney’s WoT series. Plus, they don’t follow any vampiric lore. Twilight is bullshit. Excuse my language. But it is. All Twilight has done is bring more girls to Comic-Con who won’t sleep with me.

The upside to the Hollywood-ization of Comic-Con? Cooler movies are coming our way. I write this from my iPhone while in line for James Cameron’s Avatar panel.

The downside to the Hollywood-ization of Comic-Con? Probably the cool guys from the True Blood panel giving me a wedgie, and then stuffing me in a locker (which took some effort because there are not lockers here). Plus, everyone is making fun of my last name – which is French by the way. Also, the whole point of coming to Comic-Con was to lose my viriginity, hopefully to this hottie Elloise who dresses like a dark elf. Now, I hear she’s going with some G4 guy to the Adult Swim Friday night party. Party? At Comic-Con? What is the world coming to? Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to seduce her properly during our next LARP encounter.

Hope all is well, Thane. Again, I am a big fan, and I think you are the greatest writer on the internet. You are a genius.

Dammit! Some guys just cut me in line. I’ve gotta go and try out my Vulcan nerve pinch.

Sincerely,

Norman Wheenier

Norm, compared to you, I have discovered I am not a minor-nerd. I’m not a nerd at all. I’m the cool guy.

And as the cool guy I’d like to say that if you open your trap one more time, four eyes, I’m gonna put your face in a toilet and give you a swirley. Watch your back, geek! Your ass in mine!

And thanks for your kind words. It’s always nice to hear from a fan.

LeVar Burton, the most bodacious actor in this universe, was injured in a five-car accident in West Los Angeles. The cause of the accident was most likely rabid LeVar Burton fans crashing into his Geo Prizm for attention. At a press conference earlier today, Police Commissioner Ralph Stern said, “LeVar Burton is fine.” However, some remain unconvinced, hypothesizing that Stern was only complimenting LeVar Burton’s dashing good looks.

LeVar Burton burst onto the pop culture scene starring as the little slave that could, Toby, in the epic miniseries Roots. In it, he escapes to freedom and changes his name to Kunta Kinte.

LeVar Burton returned for the sequel, Roots 2: The Escape Clause, wherein he escapes to freedom one last time, and changes his name back to Toby for tax purposes.

However, LeVar Burton became a worldwide, universally admired sex symbol and superstar in his role as Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge, the black guy with the kick ass glasses from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Geordi’s role as a handicapped minority drew praise from geeks and nerds alike. The show explored his friendship with android Data, that all saw as touching, and some saw as slightly homoerotic.

Then LeVar Burton exploded into the world of cinema, proving once and for all he is more than just a Star Trek actor, by starring in four blockbuster Star Trek movies. He even ditched his high tech glasses in the second theatrical outing, Star Trek: First Contacts.

LeVar Burton is a personal role model to many people around the globe, much like a modern day Martin Luther King Jr. In fact, LeVar Burton played Martin Luther King Jr. in the movie Ali. Watching the movie, film critic Rich Crudip said, “it is as if the ghost of King has taken over LeVar Burton’s body. I felt chills. I got hard.”

However, LeVar Burton’s contribution to society is most deeply felt by being the longtime host of The Reading Rainbow. Statistics recently released by the University of Phoenix show that seven out of eight adults today would be illiterate if not for LeVar Burton.

LeVar Burton has been a cross demographic, well spoken god among men for decades now. When a young, black Illinois community organizer named Barack came to him for guidance, LeVar Burton mentored him to greatness. Obama even offered the Secretary of Education position to LeVar Burton, who sadly had to pass due to his ongoing duties as actor/director on this year’s surefire hit Reach For Me, a dramedy about interracial love at a nursing home.

Yes, this movie is real. And yes, LeVar Burton is a hero.

So today, LeVar Burton survived a life threatening car crash. Tomorrow … only time can tell. There is no limit to his powers. He can defeat slavery and illiteracy. He can boldly go where no man has gone before.

He is LeVar Burton.

Violence in children’s films is an epidemic of awesome proportions. And there is nothing I love more in this world than fight scenes in kid’s film, where children fight one another.

Some could say that these scenes are the reason for violence in today’s society. That’s probably true.

I used to watch kids fight each other in person, but now the judge says I have to be 1000 feet away from any playground. Fucking fascists. So here are the top five movie scenes where kids fight one another.

5. Little Spock v. Little Vulcans in Star Trek

Little Spock is half human, and his emotions flair up when these asshole Vulcan kids start talking about his momma. Spock knocks one kid down into the Vulcan school hole thing, and punches his face in.

4. Luke v. Rob in First Kid

Rob, played by Zachary Ty Bryan from Home Improvement, beats up the president’s son, Luke. But all it takes is one boxing training montage with Sinbad, and this kid beats the hell out of the little bastard the next chance he gets. Of course, this gets Sinbad fired, and the kid almost gets kidnapped by a coked-out former bodyguard before Sinbad runs faster than a bullet to save him. But all the same. Great fight scene.

3. Short Round v. Zalim Singh in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

Short Round sucks. He’s annoying as hell and everyone knows it. But he has one redeeming moment. When the only more annoying character in the whole movie, the little Prince with the girly voice named Zalim, is trying to kill Indiana using a voodoo doll (seriously), Short Round throws him down and the two have a wrestling match, and Short Round messes the kid up!

2. Ralphie Parker v. Scut Farkus in A Christmas Story

Perhaps why these fights are so awesome are for their underlying theme. They are all kids beating the shit out of bullies. And perhaps in no other scene is this pent up aggression more visible than Ralphie having enough of Scut Farkus and his yellow eyes. He knocks him down onto the snow, and continually punches him in the face while a steady torrent of obscenities flows from him. Simply bodacious.

1. Mark Evans (Elijah Wood) v. Henry Evans (Macaulay Culkin) in The Good Son

The Good Son is the greatest film ever made. It stars Macaulay Culkin as an evil child who has killed one sibling, tries to kill the other, tries to kill his mother, and tells a young Elijah Wood “don’t fuck with me.” The movie could end no other way than the ultimate kid on kid fight on a cliff overlooking deadly shores a hundred feet below. The brawl is brutal as the two fight literally to the death. Finally, both are knocked over the side, and it is up to the mother to decide who lives and who dies. The rest is cinematic beauty.

It doesn’t open until May 9th but here’s the trailer for J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek.