As National Lampoon’s chief junior fashion reporter, I am pleased to announce the top costumes for the 2009 Halloween season. Recommended here are the finest choices in costumes for the man that wants to show off his topicality.

Don Draper:

As season three of Mad Men winds down, any man can throw on a suit and a thin tie and become Don Draper. Except you’ll look nowhere near as good, probably can’t drink as much scotch as him, and will lack the ability to make women orgasm by glancing at them. You will, however, instantly feel cooler, look awesome smoking the four and a half packs of cigarettes necessary for the evening, and increase your chances of cheating on your wife.

Barack Obama:

Be America’s favorite current president for Halloween! Optional styles include: secret Muslim Obama, Messiah Obama, Socialist Obama, and Kenyan baby Obama.

This costume is not recommended if you are white. Except … is it still considered black face if Obama is half white? Cause technically, that means all the black people going as him are doing white face then. And that is extremely offensive to me.

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Stephen Colbert does show from Iraq. He’ll have to compete with Al-Jazeera’s The Infe-daily Show.

The Hangover is released in theaters. When watching this movie I threw up and fell asleep. Granted, I was hungover.

Land of the Lost is released in theaters. Made for those Will Ferrell fans that love his movies, but want more expensive special effects and extensive action sequences.

John Stamos tells New York Daily News he’s eyeing a Full House feature. And the clouds opened up and God said “I Love You Thane!”

Sacha Baron Cohen sued for Bruno stunt that left woman in wheel chair. He’s hilarious.

Spencer Pratt bonds with Stephen Baldwin on I’m A Celebrity. Wait, Stephen Baldwin, hanging out with an equally idiotic man, in a confined jungle area. I really hope they’re remaking Bio-Dome.

Susan Boyle released from London clinic for exhaustion brought on my incessant paparazzi and media coverage. Our National Lampoon crews are on the scene outside her home, waiting for her to exit, and we’ll have more on this tragic story as it becomes available.

Conan O’Brien starts Tonight Show. Jimmy Fallon settles into Late Night. Carson Daly says, “Hey, does anyone remember I exist. I come on after Jimmy! Hello? Remember me? I used to date Tara Reid. Hello?”

It is Mark Wahlberg’s birthday. He is 38 years old and has three nipples.

20^th Anniversary of Tiananmen Square protests. Or as it is called in China: what?.

11 year old Moshe Kai Cavalin graduates from Los Angeles College. Good luck in this economy idiot.

FSU study shows boys who have “warrior gene” are more likely to join gangs. Scientists also prove I have the “scrapbooking” gene.

At a German zoo, a homosexual penguin pair are raising an abandoned egg together, and thus have become the gayest birds since Big Bird.

David Carradine found dead in hotel room. Found hanging with rope around neck and genitals. Authorities say it may have been auto-erotic asphyxiation. He was found in Bangkok. He was there filming a movie called Stretch. Please, no jokes. Too soon.

Susan Boyle the singing sensation that won over millions, with her YouTube performance of “I Dreamed a Dream,” is already feeling the pressure of celebrity. Last week she cussed out a television, this week she elevated her assault to cussing out real people. Looks like her face isn’t the only thing that needs a mini-tuck.

One of the Judges, Piers Morgan was quick to defend her, “You have to remember with Susan, she’s a 48-year-old lady from a tiny village in Scotland …,” which is why we should excuse the way she looks and now excuse the way she acts. But we should continue to be amazed that she can actually speak, form sentences and bath. Oh yeah and she has teeth. We’re already asking for too much.

The fact that she can open her mouth and actually sing is a blessing. And we should count our blessings that she hasn’t killed herself yet especially something so hideous. Simon Cowell adores Susan Boyle because when he sees her he can look past the ugliness and see the green.  “Realistically she is one of the ugliest persons I ever met and quite frankly I am surprised she hasn’t murdered herself, but I am glad she hasn’t because I can’t make money from corpses.”

It is Jay Leno’s last week of the Tonight Show. Yeah, but he’ll be back soon with the Jay Leno Show. Shit, my “Countdown To No More Jay” app on my iPhone really is useless.

Susan Boyle had a meltdown and cursed in a hotel. Who knew a 48-year-old Scottish woman would have a temper?

Time Warner and AOL are reportedly splitting. AOL could not be reached for comment, since they were on the web, and the phone line was busy.

Adam Lambert tells people to keep speculating about his sexuality. No need. I’ve got great gaydar and have had this guy pegged since day one. He’s a heterosexual. Be loud. Be proud. Now, Kris Allen on the other hand is a big time homo. That wife of his is such a “beard.”

David Hyde Pierce reveals he’s married to a man. Wait! What? He’s gay? Never saw that coming. And I’ve got such good gaydar…

The Twilight Saga: New Moon in production. Filmmakers promise worse acting and hair from Robert Pattison, more creepy staring, and Dakota Fanning.

Jon and Kate Plus 8 premieres to record ratings. America gets one last look at the happy family before our insatiable appetite for gossip destroys them.

Joe Biden jokes about Obama’s dependence on Teleprompters. “Believe it or not, I say all of this bat-shit crazy stuff without the assistance of a teleprompter.”

At Cannes film festival, Tarantino said, “I am God.” In a Tarantino controlled universe, fuck is the most common word, life is out of chronological order, pop culture reference becomes the world’s currency, and women never wear shoes.

Bijou Phillips reportedly cheated on fiancé Danny Masterson with another woman. Masterson’s response: “That is awesome!”

In what amounts to the greatest acting performance of all time, Robin Williams has announced that he has been Susan Boyle all along.

“I thought people would have figured it out sooner, considering how mannish she was. Good thing they didn’t get a look at the massive amounts of arm hair Susan had.” Said Williams in a press conference earlier today.

Williams readily admits that this attempt to reclaim star power is a thinly veiled and pathetic copy of his film Mrs. Doubtfire.

“Dressing up like an old, ugly British woman worked once before, so I figured I could try it again.”

The greatest surprise has been Mr. Williams’s singing ability.

“I’ve always been able to sing like that. But my career only required me to do impersonations of hot dogs and be manic, so it was unnecessary.”

Some question the need for this pop culture stunt. Mr. William’s career was thriving due to such popular films, such as RV, Man of the Year, and License to Wed. The Academy Award winning actor is even hearing Oscar buzz for his upcoming film, World’s Greatest Dad, directed by Bobcat Goldthwait.

This Susan Boyle stunt joins other great pranks by Hollywood, including Borat and Keanu Reeves’s film career.

In a new issue of “Allure,” Jessica Biel admits to how hard it is being beautiful. “It really is a problem.” And later Susan Boyle will admit to how easy it is being ugly. Because when you’re ugly and you have a talent people are surprised and when you’re beautiful and you don’t have a talent people will still pay you millions just so they can see your pretty face. I guess what Jessica Biel is trying to say, is she would like to stop getting paid millions just for being pretty.