As National Lampoon’s chief assistant junior fashion reporter, I am pleased to announce the top costumes for the 2009 Halloween season. Recommended here are the finest choices in costumes for the couple that wants to show off their joint topicality.

Jon and Kate:

For the “Kate”, buy a mullet wig and put it on backwards to recreate her classic bangs. Wear high heels constantly, and complain about having to run after the kids. Shriek like a banshee at everyone you meet.

For the “Jon”, wear Ed Hardy shirts and leave your date at the first sign of a hotter woman.

Hannity and Colmes:

My life certainly hasn’t been complete since this self centered, idiotic, Fox News duo split in January. You can make me whole again by Trick-or-Treating as this pair. And Hannity and Colmes is a perfect costume set for gay couples. The more hot-headed, loud mouthed, aggressive of the two is Hannity. And Colmes is the bitch.

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As National Lampoon’s chief junior fashion reporter, I am pleased to announce the top costumes for the 2009 Halloween season. Recommended here are the finest choices in costumes for the man that wants to show off his topicality.

Don Draper:

As season three of Mad Men winds down, any man can throw on a suit and a thin tie and become Don Draper. Except you’ll look nowhere near as good, probably can’t drink as much scotch as him, and will lack the ability to make women orgasm by glancing at them. You will, however, instantly feel cooler, look awesome smoking the four and a half packs of cigarettes necessary for the evening, and increase your chances of cheating on your wife.

Barack Obama:

Be America’s favorite current president for Halloween! Optional styles include: secret Muslim Obama, Messiah Obama, Socialist Obama, and Kenyan baby Obama.

This costume is not recommended if you are white. Except … is it still considered black face if Obama is half white? Cause technically, that means all the black people going as him are doing white face then. And that is extremely offensive to me.

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The Weather Channel has announced that it will start showing movies. That’s right, movies. I thought it was bad enough when MTV stopped playing music or when Cartoon Network started showing live action or when BET had a white person on, but this is pretty awful.

When do you watch The Weather Channel? Either right before leaving the house to decide whether to wear a jacket, or in the case of an emergency and you want to know if you are going to die from a tornado or hurricane. Which is why I look forward to turning to The Weather Channel in a moment of desperation to find Deep Blue Sea playing.

The films chosen are supposedly weather-centric (such as The Perfect Storm) but some of their choices are a bit harder to pin down, such as March of the Penguins and Misery, which I suppose both feature weather in that they both occurred on the planet earth. I just pray that they begin airing Step Up 2 The Streets, since the dramatic final showdown is in the rain.

But let’s be serious. People have been pleading for years for The Weather Channel to begin showing movies. It’s not like you can watch them on any other channel. So, dammit, they are finally giving the people what they want: highly censored B-movies.

Additionally, The Weather Channel has promised to continue their weather updates every ten minutes. Which means the terrible movies will be interrupted every ten minutes. I imagine that would be quite disruptive when I’m trying to enjoy the acting abilities of Christian Slater in Hard Rain.

The Weather Channel was recently purchased by NBC Universal - the kings of good decision making. NBC Universal’s history of wise decisions include canceling Southland, greenlighting Joey, and putting Jay Leno on the air in primetime every day of the mother fucking week. So, their leadership is clearly leading The Weather Channel in the right direction.

I recently stumbled upon the oddest video at TheDailyShow.com featuring Jon Stewart interviewing John Cusack. I had seen it when it first aired, and thought to myself, this is by far the worst interview I’ve ever seen. But hadn’t seen it since. It became an urban legend among people I knew. We would speak of the Cusack interview in hushed tones, wondering if it was actually real.

Cusack admits to playing Jenga with Dr. Cox from Scrubs, mumbles about where he lives and what movie he’s promoting, and Stewart is eerily unprepared for the interview, asking if Cusack is married and has a family. And it finishes with both men basically admitting that the interview was terrible.

It’s long and boring (which is part of why it’s so wonderfully bad) but stick with it because each passing moment makes it more and more toe curlingly awkward.

Cusack: Who’s the worst guest you’ve ever had?

Stewart: The worst guest?

Cusack: The absolute worst guest besides me?

Stewart: You’re not … you’re not bad.

Cusack: But this is going badly, you have to admit it.

Stewart: They like it in like a weird, internetty kind of way.

“Ha! You’re going to buy NBC? Oh, right, like you got 4 million dollars just lying around…” – Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

Industry rumors state that Comcast is in talks to buy NBC Universal from General Electric. NBC is the number four network, which recently fired its president, and decided Jay Leno should be in prime time five times a week. Universal Pictures is the company that proudly released Land of the Lost and Love Happens.

Comcast reportedly wants to buy NBC Universal for $35 billion.

That sound you just heard is GE popping the cork on some champagne, ecstatic to unload NBC, the corporation that brought you this summer’s latest monstrosity, I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here. GE is having a Caligula style orgy in celebration of losing NBC, the network that had a hit, Heroes, only to let it become one of television’s lowest rated shows a meer three years later. GE has creamed its shorts for the opportunity to say goodbye to the company responsible for Jay Leno in prime time five nights a week.

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For some time now I have been the Senior National Lampoon Reporter on all Jon & Kate Plus Eight related news. I spent years of non-stop research into the mentality and psychology of America’s most dysfunctional couple. My personal life disintegrated, my therapist dropped me as a client, my wife left me for my therapist … and all for my work to thoroughly explore and explain the sensation that is Jon & Kate Plus Eight for your reading pleasure.

And now I learn that it is all for naught. It was not the end of Jon & Kate when the couple filed for divorce months ago. In fact, it seemed the quite the opposite. Instead of the show being filled with boring kids, it could now focus on the world’s most strained relationship disintegrating for the enjoyment of a sadistic nation.

But now TLC has foolishly announced they are dropping Jon from the show – and worse, the title. Kate Plus Eight will follow the single mother as she looks after her eight children. If I wanted to watch that, I’ll go down to the local laundromat. But seeing as I own a washing machine and think laundromats smell like poverty, I’ll pass.

Does TLC not realize that they had the ability to truly reinvent television? Keeping Jon on the show would be like watching The Brady Bunch, but better. It would be just like the original, except Mike and Carol would separate, Carol would yell uncontrollably at Cindy and Bobby (when she’s not away on book tours and hosting her new talk show) and Mike would show up occasionally with some younger, hotter chick.

It is with great sadness I say goodbye to one of television’s greatest couples. But what really kept me weeping all day, was our loss of Jon.

Jon, you complete turd of a man, I will miss you. You belong in the reality TV douchebag hall of fame with the likes of Spencer Pratt and Brody Jenner. May your memory be eternal.

Previous articles in Thane Economou’s Pulitzer Prize winning series on Jon & Kate:

Jon Plus Eight Every Other Weekend

Jon & Kate Don’t Mistreat Dogs, Just Children