An extremely relaxed Robert Pattinson was attacked by wolves last night in New York after making an early exit from the China Club. A female bystander offered assistance to Pattinson, but she immediately fainted upon realizing who the disheveled, bleeding actor was. An intoxicated man on a nearby street corner advised the young, pale thespian to run away from the wolves “super fast like that gay vampire you play”, but Pattinson brushed off the jibe by simply saying, “Vampires aren’t real.”

It is unknown why the wolves attacked Pattinson, or whether or not they know that vampires aren’t real. The feral pack was last seen pacing in front of a nearby 7-11 that the actor entered to purchase antiseptic cream and a Diet Tab cola.

In the still, reflective hours after the Season 2 premiere of HBO’s True Blood, many ravenous fans are turning to the blogosphere in order to battle out the eternal question: which vampire franchise is awesomest? It could very well be True Blood, last summer’s hit series about the legalization of vampires in America. Or it could be the Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter novels, which explored the same topic some ten years earlier. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s Twilight, which does need an explanation. If you’ve never heard of Twilight, you’ve probably never heard of the internet, either.

The contenders: Twilight, True Blood, Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter

If you are a teenage girl, a middle-aged mom with repressed sexual fantasies or simply a disinterested passenger on a plane who has been forced to listen to teenage girls and middle-aged moms talk about vampires—then we can help. The following is a list of the four requisite qualities of vampire franchises, and how these series stack up against them.

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It seems like the “it” thing right now is vampires and I blame the millions of Twi-tards all around the world for this bloody phenomenon.  If you don’t know what a twi-tard is it’s someone who is into Twilight.  I’m not talking about the people who enjoy the books and have seen the movie once or twice.  I’m talking bat-$h*t crazy Twilight fans.  Some Twi-tards have even gone as far as scratching themselves to the point of bleeding and then screaming to Robert Pattinson “I DID THIS FOR YOU!!!!”.  Since it seems like this obsession is going to stay around for a while, here’s some books that may or may not help you land your very own Edward.

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Its that time again!  Its the 32nd most anticipated film awards ceremony of the year!  The MTV Movie Awards! This year’s slogan: Making the People’s Choice awards look prestigious.  Let’s break down the categories and speculate on winners (After the Break):

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Robert Pattinson creeps me the hell out.  I haven’t even seen his vampire movie.  All I know him as is the kid who died in the Goblet of Fire and the guy who takes creepy photos.  Look at the above picture.  There’s something very, very wrong about him.  He has Ivan Drago’s chin, hair you see on your average homeless man and dead eyes.

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Look, I get it.  No, really, I do.  You like vampires.  A lot.  You like books about vampires and movies about vampires and this reaches a level of almost painful perfection when your favorite vampire book is made into a vampire movie.  I don’t want to drive a stake through the heart of your fetish but I have to be honest – I just don’t get it.  I mean I get why you scream for Robert Pattinson.  I think that’s a pretty self-explanatory situation - everyone, their mom and probably even grandma would like to take a bite out of that.  What I don’t get is why in the last few years, it’s become all about vampires.  Books, TV shows like HBO’s Tru Blood and now Twilight?

I first noticed it in the romance novel section (judge all you want, we both know you’ve read them) and I thought why not, I’ll try one.  But I didn’t get all hot and bothered when reading about the difficulties of having a relationship with a vampire.  It’s hard enough dealing with living dudes – who has the time and energy to figure out the nuances involved with dating the undead.  Now I find out that apparently these Stephanie Meyer books are a big deal and everywhere I go, someone’s carrying one and working hard to convert me to the darkside.  Let me save you the effort – if I could withstand questionable allure of The Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter, I’m certainly not going to break over a little bloodsucking.

It was while I was defending my anti-vampire stance that I realized that it comes down to something very simple – either you’re a fan of magic and the supernatural or you’re not.  As a kid, I remember loving alien and ghost stuff although magic never did it for me.  In fact, I think every kid believes that their teacher is an alien or that that howling isn’t just the wind.   It would be weird if they didn’t.  But at some point, it didn’t hold my attention anymore – real life, or as it’s depicted in books and movies, became more interesting than the fantastic activities of the imaginary.  The truth is that in some ways, I’m jealous of the of the screaming fans – their ability to hold on to the famous English class “willing suspension of disbelief” has outlasted childhood and probably makes being an adult much easier.  How great it must be to imagine that anything can really happen, at any time.

But empathy is as far as I’m willing to go.  Sure, if Robert Pattinson wanted to give me a private screening, I’d manage to somehow sit through it.  But for all of you who keep trying to get me to read it, see it, be one with it, I have just two words for you and I know you’re going to love them: bite me.