A Look Into Failed Celebrity Fragrances…

Its that time again.  Time to figure out what you’re getting that special someone for Christmas.  You’ll be inundated with scents as you enter the Macys at the mall.  Most all of them will be endorsed by glamorous celebrities (and Britney as pictured above).  Last year, I helped you shop for that special celebrity related Christmas gift.  This year, I’m going to help you navigate some of the celebrity fragrances you may not have heard of.  (After the break):

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10 Ways to Make The Twilight Saga More Appealing to Guys

The books have sold in the millions… mainly to half of the population.  The movies have truly resonated… with half the population.  This cultural phenomenon has swept over the nation in a crazed wave… with half of the population.  “The Twilight Saga”.   The story is a vampire falling in love with a plain girl and then she becomes torn between the vampire and a werewolf and so they fight over her.  And while it sounds like Monster Squad 2, guys have stayed away.  Twilight the movie took in $191 million and New Moon currently has raked in $231 million in only two weeks.  Two weeks!  New Moon could have been the most successful movie of all time, beating out Titanic.  But they failed to appeal to both sides of the aisle.  Of that $231 million, $229 million were directly attributable to females or males going with the hopes of making females happy.  While The Dark Knight continued to grow after week 1, New Moon took a sharp dive in its second weekend because guys couldn’t go to work on Monday and say, “I saw that vampire movie this weekend and it was awesome.”

Being the dedicated reporter I am, I went deep under cover and took in Twilight and The Twilight Saga: New Moon and figure out why a film that matches vampires against werewolves doesn’t resonate with the male population. After viewing both films in consecutive days, I think there are some easy things we can do to make these films more palatable for guys, yet still maintaining the integrity of the love story that the females are so digging.  We, as guys, should not have to groan and moan at seeing a movie where vampires fight werewolves.  I mean, come on.  We gave you chicks James Cameron, our testosterone legend, to make Titanic.  The dude made Aliens and we just gave him to you to make a Leonardo DiCaprio love story with a Celine Dion theme song.  There’s no coming back from that.  He’s yours now.  Even if Avatar is amazing, he’s never coming back to us.  The least could meet us half way on Twilight.  So here now are 10 easy suggestions for making The Twilight Saga more guy friendly.

(After the break):

Read the rest of this entry »

Just Coming Right Out and Saying It… Twilight Kid Creeps Me Out (The Repost!)

(Re-posting in honor of New Moon coming out today)

Robert Pattinson creeps me the hell out. I haven’t even seen his vampire movie. All I know him as is the kid who died in the Goblet of Fire and the guy who takes creepy photos. Look at the above picture. There’s something very, very wrong about him. He has Ivan Drago’s chin, hair you see on your average homeless man and dead eyes. Cold, dead eyes.

Read the rest of this entry »

Taylor Lautner: After months of being on the same notch, New Moon is finally ready to be stepped up

Since the moment Summit Entertainment announced its plans to make New Moon, its much anticipated sequel to Twilight, the company has been under pressure from millions of moms and tweens who are desperate to absorb every new bit of sexy, lucrative minutiae. In April, Summit whetted our appetites with news that Robert Pattinson’s character would feature more prominently in the film than he did in the book (natch). Later, at the MTV Movie Awards, we were permitted a fleeting look at Taylor Lautner’s imposing lupine avatar. Now, for the first time in like a week, Summit Entertainment has released a BRAND NEW FEATURETTE telling us everything we ever wanted to know about New Moon.

For example, one thing we learn about New Moon is that “New Moon is a lot more complicated than Twilight was.” SHIT. If Matrix Revolutions is any indication, complication is the LAST thing you want in a sequel. “Cookies need love like everything does.” –Agent Smith. I mean, Twilight is already complicated enough as it is, at times even heartbreaking-ly confusing. Case in point: this particularly profound exchange:

Billy

Any luck with the Waylon case?

Charlie

(darkening)

Found a footprint out at the crime scene today. A bear human footprint.

Read the rest of this entry »

A National Lampoon Belated Review: The Ugly Truth

At the conclusion of a movie, it is customary for viewers to composedly gather their belongings, unassumingly dispose of their leftover food on the theater floor, and calmly make their way toward the exit. Less frequently, viewers may feel compelled to linger on a while longer in order to observe a particularly engaging or plot-driven credit reel, as is the case with The Hangover or Se7en or Speed Racer.

In even rarer circumstances, viewers may become desirous to hurtle themselves from their seats at momentous speed, pushing their tired bodies to perform death defying physical stunts as they maneuver over rows of obtrusive seating and hand rails, violently sacrificing life and limb to escape the unrelenting pain and suffering of the last two hours. This is the type of thing that happened after I saw The Ugly Truth.

The worst thing is that you can’t even talk about The Ugly Truth anymore by making a clever pun on the title, because every clever reviewer on Rotten Tomatoes has already discovered the effectiveness of doing that. Note, for example, Kam Williams’ inventive analysis that the film is “Ugly, and that’s the truth!” How creative and knowable! We can totally identify with that statement in the context of this movie! In retrospect, had I chosen to review the film at an early date instead of seeing another romantic comedy (Orphan), I might have had creative license to say “Katherine Heigl Discovers the Ugly Truth about Bottled Water in Revealing Rom-Com.” (SPOILER: Bottled water and its discontents is the primary focus of The Ugly Truth).

Read the rest of this entry »

Hollywood In, Geek Out At Comic-Con

I am only a minor nerd.

Sure, I attended Star Wars midnight showings. Sure, I came in costume as Thane-akin Skywalker. Sure, I still have my Jedi robes that my mom sewed for me (which I still maintain was the saddest day of her life.)

But, as Comic-Con begins, I must reflect on the plight of the nerds. Comic-Con, with only 22,000 geeks in attendance in 1992, has turned into a Hollywood promotional free for all. Attendance is expected to exceed 125,000.

Rummaging through my thousands of fan e-mails today, I found this particularly stunning piece, sent from the opening night of Comic-Con in San Diego.

Dear Thane,

Big fan. First time writer. My name is Norman Wheenier. I have been attending Comic-Con for fifteen years now. And I fear for its legitimacy. Why? Let me put it this way: it’s like high school all over again.

This used to be a safe place for a man to walk around in his Spock ears or wearing a black power ring, bearing the symbol of Green Lantern’s super-villain Black Hand, who after his death is resurrected by Scar, when he regurgitated the first black power ring, and is told by Scar that he is now the living embodiment of the black light.

The Hollywood jocks now walk down the hallways like they own the place. They think they can promote whatever they want here. Including the new Patricia Heaton family sitcom. Seriously.

And don’t get me started on the Lost fans, who think they are so cool. Listen, you don’t know what it’s like to be a super fan. Lost has been consistently strong for five seasons. That’s nothing. Try sticking with Star Wars through Episode I or The Clone Wars, or sticking with Star Trek through the Next Generation episode Masks, where Data becomes an Aztec Sun God.

And the popular kids from Twilight are making life a living hell for me. They mock my Star Fleet uniform, while going nuts for that stupid haired Robert Pattinson loser who looks like he jizzes his pants everytime he sees that Bella girl. Why not go crazy for a real stud, like Jean Luc Picard? Twilight is trash. There are better written books, like Tolkein’s LotR trilogy, or Rigney’s WoT series. Plus, they don’t follow any vampiric lore. Twilight is bullshit. Excuse my language. But it is. All Twilight has done is bring more girls to Comic-Con who won’t sleep with me.

The upside to the Hollywood-ization of Comic-Con? Cooler movies are coming our way. I write this from my iPhone while in line for James Cameron’s Avatar panel.

The downside to the Hollywood-ization of Comic-Con? Probably the cool guys from the True Blood panel giving me a wedgie, and then stuffing me in a locker (which took some effort because there are not lockers here). Plus, everyone is making fun of my last name – which is French by the way. Also, the whole point of coming to Comic-Con was to lose my viriginity, hopefully to this hottie Elloise who dresses like a dark elf. Now, I hear she’s going with some G4 guy to the Adult Swim Friday night party. Party? At Comic-Con? What is the world coming to? Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to seduce her properly during our next LARP encounter.

Hope all is well, Thane. Again, I am a big fan, and I think you are the greatest writer on the internet. You are a genius.

Dammit! Some guys just cut me in line. I’ve gotta go and try out my Vulcan nerve pinch.

Sincerely,

Norman Wheenier

Norm, compared to you, I have discovered I am not a minor-nerd. I’m not a nerd at all. I’m the cool guy.

And as the cool guy I’d like to say that if you open your trap one more time, four eyes, I’m gonna put your face in a toilet and give you a swirley. Watch your back, geek! Your ass in mine!

And thanks for your kind words. It’s always nice to hear from a fan.

Its that time again.  Time to figure out what you’re getting that special someone for Christmas.  You’ll be inundated with scents as you enter the Macys at the mall.  Most all of them will be endorsed by glamorous celebrities (and Britney as pictured above).  Last year, I helped you shop for that special celebrity related Christmas gift.  This year, I’m going to help you navigate some of the celebrity fragrances you may not have heard of.  (After the break):

Read the rest of this entry »

The books have sold in the millions… mainly to half of the population.  The movies have truly resonated… with half the population.  This cultural phenomenon has swept over the nation in a crazed wave… with half of the population.  “The Twilight Saga”.   The story is a vampire falling in love with a plain girl and then she becomes torn between the vampire and a werewolf and so they fight over her.  And while it sounds like Monster Squad 2, guys have stayed away.  Twilight the movie took in $191 million and New Moon currently has raked in $231 million in only two weeks.  Two weeks!  New Moon could have been the most successful movie of all time, beating out Titanic.  But they failed to appeal to both sides of the aisle.  Of that $231 million, $229 million were directly attributable to females or males going with the hopes of making females happy.  While The Dark Knight continued to grow after week 1, New Moon took a sharp dive in its second weekend because guys couldn’t go to work on Monday and say, “I saw that vampire movie this weekend and it was awesome.”

Being the dedicated reporter I am, I went deep under cover and took in Twilight and The Twilight Saga: New Moon and figure out why a film that matches vampires against werewolves doesn’t resonate with the male population. After viewing both films in consecutive days, I think there are some easy things we can do to make these films more palatable for guys, yet still maintaining the integrity of the love story that the females are so digging.  We, as guys, should not have to groan and moan at seeing a movie where vampires fight werewolves.  I mean, come on.  We gave you chicks James Cameron, our testosterone legend, to make Titanic.  The dude made Aliens and we just gave him to you to make a Leonardo DiCaprio love story with a Celine Dion theme song.  There’s no coming back from that.  He’s yours now.  Even if Avatar is amazing, he’s never coming back to us.  The least could meet us half way on Twilight.  So here now are 10 easy suggestions for making The Twilight Saga more guy friendly.

(After the break):

Read the rest of this entry »

(Re-posting in honor of New Moon coming out today)

Robert Pattinson creeps me the hell out. I haven’t even seen his vampire movie. All I know him as is the kid who died in the Goblet of Fire and the guy who takes creepy photos. Look at the above picture. There’s something very, very wrong about him. He has Ivan Drago’s chin, hair you see on your average homeless man and dead eyes. Cold, dead eyes.

Read the rest of this entry »

Since the moment Summit Entertainment announced its plans to make New Moon, its much anticipated sequel to Twilight, the company has been under pressure from millions of moms and tweens who are desperate to absorb every new bit of sexy, lucrative minutiae. In April, Summit whetted our appetites with news that Robert Pattinson’s character would feature more prominently in the film than he did in the book (natch). Later, at the MTV Movie Awards, we were permitted a fleeting look at Taylor Lautner’s imposing lupine avatar. Now, for the first time in like a week, Summit Entertainment has released a BRAND NEW FEATURETTE telling us everything we ever wanted to know about New Moon.

For example, one thing we learn about New Moon is that “New Moon is a lot more complicated than Twilight was.” SHIT. If Matrix Revolutions is any indication, complication is the LAST thing you want in a sequel. “Cookies need love like everything does.” –Agent Smith. I mean, Twilight is already complicated enough as it is, at times even heartbreaking-ly confusing. Case in point: this particularly profound exchange:

Billy

Any luck with the Waylon case?

Charlie

(darkening)

Found a footprint out at the crime scene today. A bear human footprint.

Read the rest of this entry »

At the conclusion of a movie, it is customary for viewers to composedly gather their belongings, unassumingly dispose of their leftover food on the theater floor, and calmly make their way toward the exit. Less frequently, viewers may feel compelled to linger on a while longer in order to observe a particularly engaging or plot-driven credit reel, as is the case with The Hangover or Se7en or Speed Racer.

In even rarer circumstances, viewers may become desirous to hurtle themselves from their seats at momentous speed, pushing their tired bodies to perform death defying physical stunts as they maneuver over rows of obtrusive seating and hand rails, violently sacrificing life and limb to escape the unrelenting pain and suffering of the last two hours. This is the type of thing that happened after I saw The Ugly Truth.

The worst thing is that you can’t even talk about The Ugly Truth anymore by making a clever pun on the title, because every clever reviewer on Rotten Tomatoes has already discovered the effectiveness of doing that. Note, for example, Kam Williams’ inventive analysis that the film is “Ugly, and that’s the truth!” How creative and knowable! We can totally identify with that statement in the context of this movie! In retrospect, had I chosen to review the film at an early date instead of seeing another romantic comedy (Orphan), I might have had creative license to say “Katherine Heigl Discovers the Ugly Truth about Bottled Water in Revealing Rom-Com.” (SPOILER: Bottled water and its discontents is the primary focus of The Ugly Truth).

Read the rest of this entry »

I am only a minor nerd.

Sure, I attended Star Wars midnight showings. Sure, I came in costume as Thane-akin Skywalker. Sure, I still have my Jedi robes that my mom sewed for me (which I still maintain was the saddest day of her life.)

But, as Comic-Con begins, I must reflect on the plight of the nerds. Comic-Con, with only 22,000 geeks in attendance in 1992, has turned into a Hollywood promotional free for all. Attendance is expected to exceed 125,000.

Rummaging through my thousands of fan e-mails today, I found this particularly stunning piece, sent from the opening night of Comic-Con in San Diego.

Dear Thane,

Big fan. First time writer. My name is Norman Wheenier. I have been attending Comic-Con for fifteen years now. And I fear for its legitimacy. Why? Let me put it this way: it’s like high school all over again.

This used to be a safe place for a man to walk around in his Spock ears or wearing a black power ring, bearing the symbol of Green Lantern’s super-villain Black Hand, who after his death is resurrected by Scar, when he regurgitated the first black power ring, and is told by Scar that he is now the living embodiment of the black light.

The Hollywood jocks now walk down the hallways like they own the place. They think they can promote whatever they want here. Including the new Patricia Heaton family sitcom. Seriously.

And don’t get me started on the Lost fans, who think they are so cool. Listen, you don’t know what it’s like to be a super fan. Lost has been consistently strong for five seasons. That’s nothing. Try sticking with Star Wars through Episode I or The Clone Wars, or sticking with Star Trek through the Next Generation episode Masks, where Data becomes an Aztec Sun God.

And the popular kids from Twilight are making life a living hell for me. They mock my Star Fleet uniform, while going nuts for that stupid haired Robert Pattinson loser who looks like he jizzes his pants everytime he sees that Bella girl. Why not go crazy for a real stud, like Jean Luc Picard? Twilight is trash. There are better written books, like Tolkein’s LotR trilogy, or Rigney’s WoT series. Plus, they don’t follow any vampiric lore. Twilight is bullshit. Excuse my language. But it is. All Twilight has done is bring more girls to Comic-Con who won’t sleep with me.

The upside to the Hollywood-ization of Comic-Con? Cooler movies are coming our way. I write this from my iPhone while in line for James Cameron’s Avatar panel.

The downside to the Hollywood-ization of Comic-Con? Probably the cool guys from the True Blood panel giving me a wedgie, and then stuffing me in a locker (which took some effort because there are not lockers here). Plus, everyone is making fun of my last name – which is French by the way. Also, the whole point of coming to Comic-Con was to lose my viriginity, hopefully to this hottie Elloise who dresses like a dark elf. Now, I hear she’s going with some G4 guy to the Adult Swim Friday night party. Party? At Comic-Con? What is the world coming to? Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to seduce her properly during our next LARP encounter.

Hope all is well, Thane. Again, I am a big fan, and I think you are the greatest writer on the internet. You are a genius.

Dammit! Some guys just cut me in line. I’ve gotta go and try out my Vulcan nerve pinch.

Sincerely,

Norman Wheenier

Norm, compared to you, I have discovered I am not a minor-nerd. I’m not a nerd at all. I’m the cool guy.

And as the cool guy I’d like to say that if you open your trap one more time, four eyes, I’m gonna put your face in a toilet and give you a swirley. Watch your back, geek! Your ass in mine!

And thanks for your kind words. It’s always nice to hear from a fan.