Let me get right to the point:  Conservatives just don’t do well with comedy. Intrinsically, they are simply unfunny.  It’s been proven and stuff.  This is because… they suck the taint from the fringe of my balls I’m about to teabag them with.

I wasn’t looking for trouble.  Trouble came dunkng for me.

See, I’m addicted to this cyber-gadget I’ve written blogged about before.  Twitter.  Perhaps you’ve heard of this contraption.  I think it’s the offspring of an illegal iGay relationship between Jobs and Gates.  I dunno.

I dabble in politics.  Mostly, lately, I try to stay out of it (aside from the post I stuck here yesterday).  Today had to be different though.  Here’s the offending tweet:

@dmataconis: @markos Has any liberal been funny since The Smothers Brothers ?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Now, I may stink.  Let’s grant that out for you sheep dag logicians who will resort to arguments such as that later on down the yellow brick road made of cyberbits.

Take my lame intertubes-comedy powers away from me.  They were never there to begin with anyhow, right?  I suck.  We can assume this arguendo.  I couldn’t do standup if my Mom was on life-support and in need of one laugh in a room full of stoners.  Like, I really suck.  Happy?  Ok?  Granted.  Here we go…

The Smothers Brothers?  No liberal comedy since then?  Please.  Liberals fucking own comedy bitches.

If you don’t like it, don’t watch and read our shit.  Go watch Glenn Fucking Beck and his testicle retracting comedy tour.   Maybe George Will is doing the Def Comedy Jam at The Apollo.   Why do I feel the need to even write that which is self-evident?  Why must I use an allusion to The Constitution I know Tea-Baggers won’t get in the latter sentence?  Do they even understand the difference between the words, former and latter?  I know that confuses the little fuckers.

But I impress.

Let me get those not blessed with a life in Twitter Hell up to speed.  “@Markos” is Markos Moulitsas — the fellow who started The Daily Kos and the internet.  The other gentleman, umm… did not start the internet.  He’s a libertarian and free to read this if he’d like.  By doing so of course, he becomes a communist.  Like me.

Anyhosers, I couldn’t let that shit stand.  I mean come on.  Liberals own comedy.  Like it or not, it is what it is.  Markos got involved.  The interwebs got involved.  A cacophony of libertarian and conservative comedy collaborators coincided and cluttered my mention box which sadly, does not begin with the letter, “c.”

So, I challenged the bastards.  To a comedian draft.  Anything goes in cyberspace, and it doesn’t get more intellectually lame than this.  Has to be a record.  A comedy draft.  I am a fool.  To the windmills…

I  gave my opponents (and by proxy with Markos via a retweet) a head start.  They could pick the first ten comedians and I’d help them.  The aforementioned libertarian came up with Drew Carrey.  That was it.   Ok.  I’ll give him Drew Carrey.  He’s on The Price Is Right.  I’ll be damned before cursing the grounds a wayward Yodeler battles with a yellow ruler.

Tweets flew in.  No named comedians though.  I had to help.  I gave them Penn Jillette, a self-proclaimed libertarian whose name I might have misspelled.   One could argue he’s a magician, but, I’m happy to be a reasonable sort.  They can have friggin’ Penn.  He’s an Aristocrat and gets a pass.

Who else?  Dennis Miller.  The only punchline for him would involve some serious fisting.

Oh yeah.  Frazier.

That’s pretty much where conservatives and comedy stop.  To a death-mobile crashing halt.  Unless you count Palin from the other night — but, if you’re like me, massive organ failure is not comedy.  One could argue Leno is a conservative (don’t know), but then you’d have to further contend Leno attempts comedy.

From the top of my head: John Belushi, Lenny Bruce, Rodney Dangerfield, Richard Pryor, Tina Fey, Eddie Murphy, Sarah Silverman, Lisa Lampanelli, SNL, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Howard Stern, Joan Rivers, George Carlin, Cheech, Chong, David Letterman, Dave Chappelle, Dave Attel, Larry David (I could do a list of Daves), Rob Delaney, Gladstone, G. Xavier Robillard, Richard Lewis, Jerry Seinfeld, my jock strap from eighth grade, this shoe horn, Senator Al Franken, and my middle finger.

Get real.  I present a challenge.  Come up with ten comedians who are outspoken and conservative or whatever.  You can’t.   I’ll line up ten of my comedians.  We’ll get some blades, a couple of broken beer bottles, the tunes from West Side Story, and a bunch of coke.  It’ll be swell.

With that, I leave you in a wake of cyber-blood and guts and the souls of lost abortions and chicken sandwiches and all the internet has to offer.

Emoticons!

Well, those two jokers are back at it again! Mark and Andy do their annual round-up of the year’s best shows. Except they don’t really do that and instead talk about a single show from 2009 that tickled their fancies. Let the fickle finger of fate fly, and have a happy new year, pals!

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Sometimes, you just have to accept these things as the truth.

I think someone is stalking me. It’s… it’s terrible. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I just stay awake for hours, too frightened to leave the valley, let alone my apartment.  I’ve gone to the police. Nothing. I’ve called my lawyer. Nothing. Nothing can be done to stop this maniac from harassing me. To make matters worse, this nut-job has actually made contact, VIRTUAL contact with me that I cannot ignore. Alright, I’m just going to come out and say it. Deep breath, Josh, deep breath…

Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is following me…. ON TWITTER.

This has gone too far. First, it was Facebook. You know, just some light flirtation. A “come to the general discussion of DMV furloughs” here, a “town hall meeting regarding the future site of the Subway to the Sea” there; I thought it was harmless. But this man is unrelenting. He wants nothing more than to hit me where it hurts… 140 characters at a time.

My anxiety hasn’t been this bad since that thing last year with Michael Ian Black.

This is a mid-week update of the rich and famous a.k.a celebrities who do stupid things that make us laugh.

Rapper C. Murder is on trial for the 2002 shooting and killing of a fan. His defense plans to show that this is just how he gives autographs. A bullet, some blood and murder! What fan can’t appreciate that?

Paula Abdul is leaving “American Idol,” but she made the announcement on twitter first, which may explain why it was news to her when she finally sobered up and realized what she twittered, tweet, twit.

Joe Jackson has confirmed rumors that Omer Bhatti is Michael Jackson secret fourth son. He said, “He looks like a Jackson, he can dance like a Jackson too.” So I guess that makes Chris Brown, Ne-Yo and Usher Jackson’s estranged sons, too.

With that said, Michael Jackson’s estranged son Chris Brown may be closer to punching Rihanna in the face again. She’s asking the judge to throw out the Restraining Order. Looks like Tina Turner may soon have some competition.

Miley Cyrus’ stalker is obviously crazy — there’s no question about it. He could be out stalking Megan Fox, but instead he picks Hannah Montana. Now that truly is a nut.

Lady GaGa does an acoustic version of Poker Face on Japanese television. As if the song is serious enough to require an acoustic version – she’s not Bob Dylan. But what’s even more frightening is the dead bat or puppy she decides to attach to her head. I hear naked PETA protesters coming around the corner.

Did Bill Clinton apologize in North Korea to gain the release of the two imprisoned journalist? That’s what conservatives want to know. Who cares? The real question is did Bill Clinton apologize to Hillary for the jizz on the intern’s dress who obviously doesn’t believe in dry cleaning.

The controversial artist Daniel Edwards has created a sculpture of a nude Angelina Jolie supposedly breastfeeding her twins, Knox and Vivienne. Maybe the babies are Benjamin Button when he aged backwards to a newborn.

By now, most people have left the social networking kiddie pool of MySpace and switched to Facebook or Twitter.  Still, a few of us just can’t abandon the profiles that we spent so much time fine tuning to reflect our individual personalities.  Without MySpace, how would we know when Hanson is going to play another show in our city (I checked, they actually do have a profile)?

Anyway, I logged out of this relic of a website the other day and I saw an advertisement on the side of the page that scared the living sh*t out of me.

This is an ad for a website that directs you towards schools of criminal justice in your area.  A fine enough service, but their strategy to lure in users is downright reckless.

There is a faceless man in black handing a gun to whoever is willing to answer the call.  It’s as if he’s saying, “Hey, tough guy, you want a way to impress that ex-girlfriend whose profile you’ve been browsing for the last thirty minutes?  Why don’t you get a job that allows you to carry a gun?”  And of course, because he’s a faceless man in black (executioner?), he will never be held accountable for the effect this ad will have on aggressive men with high testosterone.

Also, the headline is “Become FBI, SWAT, or a Police Officer.”  Notice how all the classic crime films gets addressed.  This is misleading because most of the people that use this service will actually become security guards (see comedy genre).  Even so, the positions are ordered in a very odd way.  FBI: really prestigious , SWAT: extremely prestigious, Police Officer: fairly prestigious.  It’s as if they cycled through the average assh*le’s wildest dreams, then threw in the one that was slightly possible at the end.

I am terrified by the idea that MySpace users may enter into a career in law enforcement because of a badass man with a gun said they could.  I would hate to get beaten down by an officer one day and then the next day see a bulletin reading, “Just racially profiled somebody… Whoops!”  Luckily, many precincts are in a hiring freeze because of the recession.  That may be the only positive of this entire economic downfall.