Nothing to see here. Move along, move along.

Sometimes, you just have to accept these things as the truth.

Antonio Villaraigosa is following me.

I think someone is stalking me. It’s… it’s terrible. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I just stay awake for hours, too frightened to leave the valley, let alone my apartment.  I’ve gone to the police. Nothing. I’ve called my lawyer. Nothing. Nothing can be done to stop this maniac from harassing me. To make matters worse, this nut-job has actually made contact, VIRTUAL contact with me that I cannot ignore. Alright, I’m just going to come out and say it. Deep breath, Josh, deep breath…

Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is following me…. ON TWITTER.

This has gone too far. First, it was Facebook. You know, just some light flirtation. A “come to the general discussion of DMV furloughs” here, a “town hall meeting regarding the future site of the Subway to the Sea” there; I thought it was harmless. But this man is unrelenting. He wants nothing more than to hit me where it hurts… 140 characters at a time.

My anxiety hasn’t been this bad since that thing last year with Michael Ian Black.

Extra, Extra Laugh All About It!

This is a mid-week update of the rich and famous a.k.a celebrities who do stupid things that make us laugh.

Rapper C. Murder is on trial for the 2002 shooting and killing of a fan. His defense plans to show that this is just how he gives autographs. A bullet, some blood and murder! What fan can’t appreciate that?

Paula Abdul is leaving “American Idol,” but she made the announcement on twitter first, which may explain why it was news to her when she finally sobered up and realized what she twittered, tweet, twit.

Joe Jackson has confirmed rumors that Omer Bhatti is Michael Jackson secret fourth son. He said, “He looks like a Jackson, he can dance like a Jackson too.” So I guess that makes Chris Brown, Ne-Yo and Usher Jackson’s estranged sons, too.

With that said, Michael Jackson’s estranged son Chris Brown may be closer to punching Rihanna in the face again. She’s asking the judge to throw out the Restraining Order. Looks like Tina Turner may soon have some competition.

Miley Cyrus’ stalker is obviously crazy — there’s no question about it. He could be out stalking Megan Fox, but instead he picks Hannah Montana. Now that truly is a nut.

Lady GaGa does an acoustic version of Poker Face on Japanese television. As if the song is serious enough to require an acoustic version – she’s not Bob Dylan. But what’s even more frightening is the dead bat or puppy she decides to attach to her head. I hear naked PETA protesters coming around the corner.

Did Bill Clinton apologize in North Korea to gain the release of the two imprisoned journalist? That’s what conservatives want to know. Who cares? The real question is did Bill Clinton apologize to Hillary for the jizz on the intern’s dress who obviously doesn’t believe in dry cleaning.

The controversial artist Daniel Edwards has created a sculpture of a nude Angelina Jolie supposedly breastfeeding her twins, Knox and Vivienne. Maybe the babies are Benjamin Button when he aged backwards to a newborn.

The Scariest Thing I’ve Seen on MySpace

By now, most people have left the social networking kiddie pool of MySpace and switched to Facebook or Twitter.  Still, a few of us just can’t abandon the profiles that we spent so much time fine tuning to reflect our individual personalities.  Without MySpace, how would we know when Hanson is going to play another show in our city (I checked, they actually do have a profile)?

Anyway, I logged out of this relic of a website the other day and I saw an advertisement on the side of the page that scared the living sh*t out of me.

This is an ad for a website that directs you towards schools of criminal justice in your area.  A fine enough service, but their strategy to lure in users is downright reckless.

There is a faceless man in black handing a gun to whoever is willing to answer the call.  It’s as if he’s saying, “Hey, tough guy, you want a way to impress that ex-girlfriend whose profile you’ve been browsing for the last thirty minutes?  Why don’t you get a job that allows you to carry a gun?”  And of course, because he’s a faceless man in black (executioner?), he will never be held accountable for the effect this ad will have on aggressive men with high testosterone.

Also, the headline is “Become FBI, SWAT, or a Police Officer.”  Notice how all the classic crime films gets addressed.  This is misleading because most of the people that use this service will actually become security guards (see comedy genre).  Even so, the positions are ordered in a very odd way.  FBI: really prestigious , SWAT: extremely prestigious, Police Officer: fairly prestigious.  It’s as if they cycled through the average assh*le’s wildest dreams, then threw in the one that was slightly possible at the end.

I am terrified by the idea that MySpace users may enter into a career in law enforcement because of a badass man with a gun said they could.  I would hate to get beaten down by an officer one day and then the next day see a bulletin reading, “Just racially profiled somebody… Whoops!”  Luckily, many precincts are in a hiring freeze because of the recession.  That may be the only positive of this entire economic downfall.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is…The Creditor

Tuesday morning, National Lampoon uncovered disturbing footage from the desk of Arnold Schwarzenegger:

This footage proves what we’ve suspected for some time now: He is more than a governor—he is a warrior, a protector. Now, more than ever before, Arnold will stand up for the poor, tired, huddled masses. What lies ahead for him has proved too great a task even for The Barbarian (you know, the legendary Cimmerian warrior who, with the help of Crom, was responsible for the usurpation of the fabled Vanir warlord Thulsa Doom).

This evil has openly infiltrated every faction of Californian society. It renders the power grid dead by the sheer weight of its influence. Its very grasp corrodes the already-decaying public school system, and its guttural and spiteful snicker shakes the very foundations of the health care system.

There exists only one man ready and able to halt the ever-advancing formations of this pure malevolent power, and that is the man who modestly presents himself above as the bearer of the legendary blade, Excalibur. This will be a battle hard fought: the weeds of red tape must be scythed, the parasitic partisan bickering must be surgically excised.  A budget must necessarily be carved into the state, and the constant need for constitutional revision must be cut from California’s collective consciousness like a cancerous lesion. Arnold Schwarzenegger wants everyone (on Twitter) to know, he will bear that burden.

Off come the starched, pastel-colored, short-sleeved button-up shirts, on comes the flak jacket. Off comes the leather belt, on comes the ammo belt. The pen will be sheathed (after the autographs are completed as planned) as the sword—that hellish, torso-sized beast of a sword—is brandished. He must become the ultimate warrior. If he truly wishes to destroy the budget emergency, he must become more than an actor. More than a politician. He must become the very spirit of… The Creditor.

Soon the cuts will begin.

Coming to a theater near you whenever he damn well feels like it. (He’s the one with the bear-sized knife. He calls the shots.)

Spread: Another Ashton Kutcher Star Vehicle Destined for Greatness!

When Nikon unleashed the omnipresent media campaign that is Ashton’s Coolpix, many concerned moviegoers were worried that Ashton would never “act” in another film. Because promoting a line of digital cameras that double as party accessories is a full-time job. And here’s another job that’s full-time: doing nothing. This is a job that Ashton also does. So you can see why fans of the universally admired A Lot Like Love were prepared to weary their endless days in a state of Ashton-less limbo. UNTIL NOW.

I forgot about Twitter. Ashton Kutcher is probably the most celebrated Twitter user in the entire world, and this requires him to spend an unreasonable amount of time writing digital prose, because posts on Twitter are limited to 140 characters or less. Case in point: this recent post: “I just did a google news search for ‘injured in fireworks accident’…. WTF…. people make me laugh.” Just imagine….Ashton Kutcher is obligated to make posts like this up to three or four times per day. SHIT. Why do we judge him????

Read the rest of this entry »

Sometimes, you just have to accept these things as the truth.

I think someone is stalking me. It’s… it’s terrible. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I just stay awake for hours, too frightened to leave the valley, let alone my apartment.  I’ve gone to the police. Nothing. I’ve called my lawyer. Nothing. Nothing can be done to stop this maniac from harassing me. To make matters worse, this nut-job has actually made contact, VIRTUAL contact with me that I cannot ignore. Alright, I’m just going to come out and say it. Deep breath, Josh, deep breath…

Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is following me…. ON TWITTER.

This has gone too far. First, it was Facebook. You know, just some light flirtation. A “come to the general discussion of DMV furloughs” here, a “town hall meeting regarding the future site of the Subway to the Sea” there; I thought it was harmless. But this man is unrelenting. He wants nothing more than to hit me where it hurts… 140 characters at a time.

My anxiety hasn’t been this bad since that thing last year with Michael Ian Black.

This is a mid-week update of the rich and famous a.k.a celebrities who do stupid things that make us laugh.

Rapper C. Murder is on trial for the 2002 shooting and killing of a fan. His defense plans to show that this is just how he gives autographs. A bullet, some blood and murder! What fan can’t appreciate that?

Paula Abdul is leaving “American Idol,” but she made the announcement on twitter first, which may explain why it was news to her when she finally sobered up and realized what she twittered, tweet, twit.

Joe Jackson has confirmed rumors that Omer Bhatti is Michael Jackson secret fourth son. He said, “He looks like a Jackson, he can dance like a Jackson too.” So I guess that makes Chris Brown, Ne-Yo and Usher Jackson’s estranged sons, too.

With that said, Michael Jackson’s estranged son Chris Brown may be closer to punching Rihanna in the face again. She’s asking the judge to throw out the Restraining Order. Looks like Tina Turner may soon have some competition.

Miley Cyrus’ stalker is obviously crazy — there’s no question about it. He could be out stalking Megan Fox, but instead he picks Hannah Montana. Now that truly is a nut.

Lady GaGa does an acoustic version of Poker Face on Japanese television. As if the song is serious enough to require an acoustic version – she’s not Bob Dylan. But what’s even more frightening is the dead bat or puppy she decides to attach to her head. I hear naked PETA protesters coming around the corner.

Did Bill Clinton apologize in North Korea to gain the release of the two imprisoned journalist? That’s what conservatives want to know. Who cares? The real question is did Bill Clinton apologize to Hillary for the jizz on the intern’s dress who obviously doesn’t believe in dry cleaning.

The controversial artist Daniel Edwards has created a sculpture of a nude Angelina Jolie supposedly breastfeeding her twins, Knox and Vivienne. Maybe the babies are Benjamin Button when he aged backwards to a newborn.

By now, most people have left the social networking kiddie pool of MySpace and switched to Facebook or Twitter.  Still, a few of us just can’t abandon the profiles that we spent so much time fine tuning to reflect our individual personalities.  Without MySpace, how would we know when Hanson is going to play another show in our city (I checked, they actually do have a profile)?

Anyway, I logged out of this relic of a website the other day and I saw an advertisement on the side of the page that scared the living sh*t out of me.

This is an ad for a website that directs you towards schools of criminal justice in your area.  A fine enough service, but their strategy to lure in users is downright reckless.

There is a faceless man in black handing a gun to whoever is willing to answer the call.  It’s as if he’s saying, “Hey, tough guy, you want a way to impress that ex-girlfriend whose profile you’ve been browsing for the last thirty minutes?  Why don’t you get a job that allows you to carry a gun?”  And of course, because he’s a faceless man in black (executioner?), he will never be held accountable for the effect this ad will have on aggressive men with high testosterone.

Also, the headline is “Become FBI, SWAT, or a Police Officer.”  Notice how all the classic crime films gets addressed.  This is misleading because most of the people that use this service will actually become security guards (see comedy genre).  Even so, the positions are ordered in a very odd way.  FBI: really prestigious , SWAT: extremely prestigious, Police Officer: fairly prestigious.  It’s as if they cycled through the average assh*le’s wildest dreams, then threw in the one that was slightly possible at the end.

I am terrified by the idea that MySpace users may enter into a career in law enforcement because of a badass man with a gun said they could.  I would hate to get beaten down by an officer one day and then the next day see a bulletin reading, “Just racially profiled somebody… Whoops!”  Luckily, many precincts are in a hiring freeze because of the recession.  That may be the only positive of this entire economic downfall.

Tuesday morning, National Lampoon uncovered disturbing footage from the desk of Arnold Schwarzenegger:

This footage proves what we’ve suspected for some time now: He is more than a governor—he is a warrior, a protector. Now, more than ever before, Arnold will stand up for the poor, tired, huddled masses. What lies ahead for him has proved too great a task even for The Barbarian (you know, the legendary Cimmerian warrior who, with the help of Crom, was responsible for the usurpation of the fabled Vanir warlord Thulsa Doom).

This evil has openly infiltrated every faction of Californian society. It renders the power grid dead by the sheer weight of its influence. Its very grasp corrodes the already-decaying public school system, and its guttural and spiteful snicker shakes the very foundations of the health care system.

There exists only one man ready and able to halt the ever-advancing formations of this pure malevolent power, and that is the man who modestly presents himself above as the bearer of the legendary blade, Excalibur. This will be a battle hard fought: the weeds of red tape must be scythed, the parasitic partisan bickering must be surgically excised.  A budget must necessarily be carved into the state, and the constant need for constitutional revision must be cut from California’s collective consciousness like a cancerous lesion. Arnold Schwarzenegger wants everyone (on Twitter) to know, he will bear that burden.

Off come the starched, pastel-colored, short-sleeved button-up shirts, on comes the flak jacket. Off comes the leather belt, on comes the ammo belt. The pen will be sheathed (after the autographs are completed as planned) as the sword—that hellish, torso-sized beast of a sword—is brandished. He must become the ultimate warrior. If he truly wishes to destroy the budget emergency, he must become more than an actor. More than a politician. He must become the very spirit of… The Creditor.

Soon the cuts will begin.

Coming to a theater near you whenever he damn well feels like it. (He’s the one with the bear-sized knife. He calls the shots.)

When Nikon unleashed the omnipresent media campaign that is Ashton’s Coolpix, many concerned moviegoers were worried that Ashton would never “act” in another film. Because promoting a line of digital cameras that double as party accessories is a full-time job. And here’s another job that’s full-time: doing nothing. This is a job that Ashton also does. So you can see why fans of the universally admired A Lot Like Love were prepared to weary their endless days in a state of Ashton-less limbo. UNTIL NOW.

I forgot about Twitter. Ashton Kutcher is probably the most celebrated Twitter user in the entire world, and this requires him to spend an unreasonable amount of time writing digital prose, because posts on Twitter are limited to 140 characters or less. Case in point: this recent post: “I just did a google news search for ‘injured in fireworks accident’…. WTF…. people make me laugh.” Just imagine….Ashton Kutcher is obligated to make posts like this up to three or four times per day. SHIT. Why do we judge him???? Read the rest of this entry »