Tuesday morning, National Lampoon uncovered disturbing footage from the desk of Arnold Schwarzenegger:

This footage proves what we’ve suspected for some time now: He is more than a governor—he is a warrior, a protector. Now, more than ever before, Arnold will stand up for the poor, tired, huddled masses. What lies ahead for him has proved too great a task even for The Barbarian (you know, the legendary Cimmerian warrior who, with the help of Crom, was responsible for the usurpation of the fabled Vanir warlord Thulsa Doom).

This evil has openly infiltrated every faction of Californian society. It renders the power grid dead by the sheer weight of its influence. Its very grasp corrodes the already-decaying public school system, and its guttural and spiteful snicker shakes the very foundations of the health care system.

There exists only one man ready and able to halt the ever-advancing formations of this pure malevolent power, and that is the man who modestly presents himself above as the bearer of the legendary blade, Excalibur. This will be a battle hard fought: the weeds of red tape must be scythed, the parasitic partisan bickering must be surgically excised.  A budget must necessarily be carved into the state, and the constant need for constitutional revision must be cut from California’s collective consciousness like a cancerous lesion. Arnold Schwarzenegger wants everyone (on Twitter) to know, he will bear that burden.

Off come the starched, pastel-colored, short-sleeved button-up shirts, on comes the flak jacket. Off comes the leather belt, on comes the ammo belt. The pen will be sheathed (after the autographs are completed as planned) as the sword—that hellish, torso-sized beast of a sword—is brandished. He must become the ultimate warrior. If he truly wishes to destroy the budget emergency, he must become more than an actor. More than a politician. He must become the very spirit of… The Creditor.

Soon the cuts will begin.

Coming to a theater near you whenever he damn well feels like it. (He’s the one with the bear-sized knife. He calls the shots.)

When Nikon unleashed the omnipresent media campaign that is Ashton’s Coolpix, many concerned moviegoers were worried that Ashton would never “act” in another film. Because promoting a line of digital cameras that double as party accessories is a full-time job. And here’s another job that’s full-time: doing nothing. This is a job that Ashton also does. So you can see why fans of the universally admired A Lot Like Love were prepared to weary their endless days in a state of Ashton-less limbo. UNTIL NOW.

I forgot about Twitter. Ashton Kutcher is probably the most celebrated Twitter user in the entire world, and this requires him to spend an unreasonable amount of time writing digital prose, because posts on Twitter are limited to 140 characters or less. Case in point: this recent post: “I just did a google news search for ‘injured in fireworks accident’…. WTF…. people make me laugh.” Just imagine….Ashton Kutcher is obligated to make posts like this up to three or four times per day. SHIT. Why do we judge him???? Read More

Miley Cyrus recently broke up with her model boyfriend, Justin Gaston. And while all of America is saddened by this heartbreak, everyone should give a sigh of relief since Cyrus was fifteen when she started dating the twenty-year-old, and that’s just gross man.

The felonious relationship of America’s sweetheart to an underwear model seemed too good to be true. And by too good I mean, seriously dude, she’s fifteen years old. What the hell?

Not much is known about Justin Gaston, other than that he is a model who the website AZCentral describes as “[a] long haired hunk” and that he loves minors. Also, Cyrus says Gaston is good friends with her father, Billy Ray Cyrus, and is a good Christian.

With such an age difference, some questioned what Gaston saw in Cyrus, who is a child, not particularly beautiful, and worth over $50 million.

News of the breakup came from none other than the Twitter social networking site. Cyrus wrote: “My hear is in two … and it’s all because of you.” This message was reiterated on her father’s Twitter site, which read “But don’t break my heart … my achy breaky heart … I just don’t think he’d understand” – but sources say that might just be because Billy Ray Cyrus’s twitter account is a constant loop of the lyrics to Achy Breaky Heart in 140 character intervals.

Disney Corporation had no comment on the matter besides to say: “We’d love it if she could start dating Nick Jonas again. That would be a great cross promotion. But we wouldn’t force that or anything.”

In unrelated news, Miley Cyrus was seen on a date with Nick Jonas this past week. Nick Jonas is, of course, the adopted latino sibling of The Jonas Brothers. Cyrus and Jonas formerly dated when they were both 14, and according to a wikipedia, the two were very much in love.

With Cyrus and Gaston officially split, only time will tell how long until the long haired Christian underwear model appears on Howard Stern to reveal Cyrus’s sex secrets.

Why did Kimora Lee Simmons think it necessary to tweet through the labor of her third child this weekend? I mean, really? Hasn’t this whole twittering thing gotten out of hand? Who needs that much connectivity?

Doctor: Um, Mrs. Lee Simmons, I could really use your help. Could you, um, maybe push a little please?

Kimora: Just a sec, Doc. I’m responding to a really funny tweet about Gerber products. Oh ha ha ha! Jada, you’re just such a hoot!”

And how was she not so drugged up on Demerol that she was able to still tweet straight? I’m just saying, if some dude ever managed to get the deed done with me, I would be so hopped up on ludes I wouldn’t be able to find my face, let alone tweet. Here’s how my hypothetical tweet labor would go.

Doctor: We’re about to make a slit in your perineum.

My tweet: The man with the blue hat said they’re gonna’ give me a candy cane!

Doctor: Ok, we need you to push now.

My Tweet: I like daisies

Doctor: It’s a boy

My Tweet: Does Judge Judy look foxy to you?

Here’s a good rule of thumb for all those celebs who’ve been brainwashed by their own pics in US Weekly to think all us layfolk need/want/desire up-to-the-minute updates on their daily minutiae via Twitter. If the doctor says “I’m about to make an incision” anywhere and for any reason – don’t tweet. If the cop says “I’m gonna’ need you to step out of the car” – don’t tweet. If your illegitimate love child just pooped green – don’t tweet. We don’t need it. We can’t take anymore.  We’re begging you to stop.  Please.

I think God woke up on Monday morning and thought “What could I do to punish everyone on earth?”. And after several hours of pondering he found a way and it comes in the form of a rap video, starring Spencer Pratt. Yes ladies and gentleman, Spencer Pratt has come out with his first rap video. And by first I can only hope that some miraculous event will prevent a follow up video. Unfortunately, I don’t think we’ll be that lucky.

The video is bad. When I say bad, I’m talking Gigli bad. Let me break it down for you. Spencer and Heidi are on some sort of excursion in what looks like the back lot of Universal Studios, in a Jeep, while both of them are wearing pith helmets. I think someone forgot to tell Spence-dog that rollin’ in a Jeep isn’t going to raise your street cred in the hip hop community. Although, I don’t think being Spencer Pratt is helping his cause either.

Throughout the video he keeps on groaning “I’m a celebrity, get me out of here”. Did you look ten feet to the right? That’s definitely a means of transportation that could get you out there, brah. And the iguana that you continuously serenade isn’t stopping you. In fact I’m sure he’d be more than thrilled if you got your skin colored beard out of his reptilian face. But more importantly, why are you serenading an iguana? Spencer continues rapping while playing with snakes, which I’m sure is a metaphor for his penis. You’re white, bro, nice try. Keep in mind he does all of this while unsuccessfully lip-syncing. No really, his lips don’t match the audio. But hey, look where it got Milli Vanilli.

My favorite part of the video is some of the lyrical poetry Spence daddy has written. His rhymes are off the chain. Here are some of my favorites:

First tweet of the day I put my swag on/ My Louis rag on/ Car with the new tags on

I’m not you/ I don’t need the tattoos/ All my ink is on my checks

Call me Senator Pratt/ I’m only Tweetin the facts/ Hit @SpencerPratt/ I’ll be tweetin’ you back

How is this the theme song to “I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here”? This should be the theme song to Twitter with all the name dropping.

The only good thing is Heidi keeping her man hands to herself while balancing spiders and other exotic insects, so good for her. I’m glad she learned from her mistakes from her music video “Higher”. You know the one where she frolics in the ocean and eats a seagull or something. But, Heidi definitely needs to work on her Fly Girl techniques. Your man is a rapper now, back that thing up and dip it down low.  No more of that ear licking stuff, kept that behind closed doors alright?

Overall I’m greatly disappointed in this video. I would’ve liked to see a more classic rap video with bling and Spencer making it rain. And hoes, lots more hoes. I’m not sure if this is worthy of a BET award, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this video got nominated for a VMA. Make that happen MTV.

According to Kirstie Alley’s Twitter page, she thinks the paparazzi are stalking her. I never knew morbid obesity could make someone so delusional. I doubt they’re stalking her, paparazzi can only take so many photos of a fat person eating. I can see how she might mistake the gigantic shadow she casts on the ground for a mob of paparazzi. Although, I wouldn’t be surprised if the still fat actress were to eat one or three paparazzi. So if anyone passes by Kirstie Alley’s house and sees lightning strike, don’t worry it was probably just a fart.