As National Lampoon’s chief assistant to the junior fashion reporter, I am pleased to announce the top costumes for the 2009 Halloween season. Recommended here are the finest choices in costumes for the woman that wants to show off her topicality, and look sexy as well.

Slutty Foreclosure Sign

Our failing economy hasn’t been this titillating since Timothy Geithner was appointed US Treasury Secretary.

Slutty Aliens From District 9

Showing up as a seductive alien from the sci-fi hit, District 9, sends the message: “I understand political allegory and I’m DTF.” Socially discriminated extra-terrestrials have never ever been this HOT.

Slutty Tea Party Protester

You’ll be the most arousing Fox News sponsored trick-or-treater in the neighborhood. So sexy, you’ll make Glenn Beck cry. Again.

Slutty Hilary Clinton

Put on some lingerie. Buy yourself a Hilary Clinton mask. And as our most sensual Secretary of State ever, you’ll get any man you want. Then he’ll cheat on you. And you’ll narrowly lose the costume contest to “Slutty Barack Obama.”

Slutty Captain ”Sully” Sullenberger

America’s sexiest pilot is now America’s sexiest Halloween costume. “This is you captain speaking. Prepare for impact.” Indeed.

Slutty Slut

This costume has been attempted for decades but never achieved. Some scientists theorize that it may in fact be impossible. In his March 2008 paper, “Slutty Halloween Costumes And Their Effects On Our Galaxy,” Roger Kreinstein of the Swedish Institution of Interplanetary Science and Technology (SIIST) stated: “If [a woman] were to create such a costume, one can only suspect that the laws of physics had been breached, and the universe would turn in on itself and implode.”

Slutty Thane Economou

Finally, the world of humorous blog posts and erotic costuming have combined. My personally designed masks sell for $27.99 online and are going fast. You’ll never regret dressing up this year as America’s most voluptuous unpaid National Lampoon fashion critic. It’s as sexy as it gets!

Actually … looking at it just now … I vomited in my mouth.

So there you have it! Ladies, the common dilemma of wanting to have a semi-topical costume and a desire to look like a common whore has been solved. You’re welcome.

Happy Halloween!

Previous Posts Include:

2009’s Top Halloween Costumes For Men

2009’s Top Halloween Costumes For Couples

Images by Kris Hanson