A Damnation To Michael Madsen

by ThaneEconomou

Last week, Michael Madsen physically assaulted National Lampoon reporter Matt Zaller during an interview where Zaller accidentally referred to Madsen as retarded. An honest mistake that was severely punished.

This act of violence was met by praise from the liberal media, in the form of left-winged National Lampoon writer Gabe Grossman. In Grossman’s piece “An Ode To Michael Madsen,” he wrote in the days following the attack:

“Sing, goddess, the anger of Mad’s son Michael

And its devastation, which put pain thousandfold upon

Zaller and his Zaz.”

Finishing Grossman’s heroic ode to the despicable man, I instantly knew Grossman’s reasons must run far deeper than his pinko liberal love of celebrity (the only thing he loves more than Karl Marx). As I dug into research, I discovered many a scary things in the nether regions of Wikipedia.

Michael Madsen is no hero, as Grossman horrifically implies. Madsen’s wikipedia page claims he is an accomplished American poet, and has released a book of poetry titled The Complete Poetic Works of Michael Madsen, Vol I. However, the page makes no mention of a Complete Poetic Works of Michael Madsen, Vol II. Is this because it is a manifesto of anti-Semitism? Maybe. Maybe not. I suppose we’ll never know.

Michael Madsen has perpetrated unspeakable acts of terror against humanity. These include both Free Willy and Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home.

And finally, in this time of economic turmoil, perhaps there is no man we should blame more for our current recession than Michael Madsen. Unemployment is reaching frightening levels, and yet Michael Madsen continues to take roles away from hard working actors by starring in 24 films in 2009 alone.

But more so than with Madsen, my troubles lie with Mr. Gabe Grossman himself. This crazed writer gives National Lampoon a bad name. And I say this in full knowledge of both National Lampoon Presents Pledge This and National Lampoon Presents Dorm Daze 2: Semester at Sea. Grossman is a reckless reporter, he is known for implying over the top conjectures as fact, and he probably enjoys urinating on old women.

But the reason for Gabe Grossman writing “An Ode To Michael Madsen” could in fact be more sinister than I previously imagined. I believe Grossman is being paid off by Madsen to write heroic odes to him on comedy blogs. It is the only explanation. Grossman must be part of Madsen’s vast propaganda machine. He is in the pocket of Big Madsen, most likely being paid in back end profit points from Madsen’s 2009 release A Way With Murder.

Gabe Grossman, you mouthpiece of evil, you defender of violent actors, you liberal nut job, you Grima Wormtongue, you National Lampoon reporter … consider this online feud started.

Your move,

Thane Economou

And in case those of you thought I was exaggerating when I said Madsen made 24 films for the year 2009, here are Wikipedia’s entries for the year. Character names are included, because they are awesome.

You Might As Well Live (2009) as “Clinton Manitoba”

The Portal (2009) as “Dr. Azirra”

Let The Game Begin (2009) as “Dr. Turner”

Lost In The Woods (2009) as “Stuart Bunka”

Road of No Return (2009) as “J. Marcone”

The Bleeding (2009) as “Father Roy”

A Way With Murder (2009) as “Vick Donovan”

Shannon’s Rainbow (2009) as “Dave”

The Lion of Judah (2009) as “Boss”

Break (2009) as “The Associate”

Clear Lake, WI (2009) as “The Reverend”

Put (2009) as “Commander”

Chamaco (2009) as “Willie”

The Big I Am (2009) as “Martell”

The Killing Jar (2009) as “Doe”

Green Lantern: First Flight (2009) as “Kilowog”

Christmas Crash (2009) as “Joseph Johnson”

Hired Gun (2009) as “Dan Moeller”

Outrage (2009) as “Farragute”

Now Here (2009) as “Le Blanc”

Creepshow RAW (2009)

Road Raiders (2009)

Conflict of Interest (2009) as “Senator John Mordire”

Not Another Not Another Movie (2009) as “Lester Storm”