An Open Letter to Roseanne Barr

by Drake Miller

Dearest Roseanne,

I am writing to inform you that we will not be addressing the following pictures, published in Heeb magazine’s Germany issue, where you are clearly dressed up as Hitler. Nor will we be commenting on the fact that you have decided to both bake and consume “Jew Cookies.” I just thought that you should know.

I can understand how one would might think this was ripe comedy fodder and I am glad to see that you’ve gotten in a World War II joke while it was still pertinent and topical. However, upon further inspection, it occurred to me that you might simply be doing this for the publicity. That is something of which I simply cannot be a part.

It was brought to my attention by one of my staffers that you have not had much going on career-wise lately. (What have you been up to? I feel like we never talk anymore.) I am saddened that this is the case. I know that many of us have been at a point in our lives when we think “well my schedule’s pretty open, why not don a Hilter costume and dance around a bit?” Unfortunately, in this case I feel it may not have had the intended effect. Take for example this photo, where Heeb Magazine states you have transformed into “Domestic Goddess Hitler.”

You went with Domestic Goddess Hitler, as opposed to Baseball Hitler or Scuba Diver Hitler (or Velociraptor Hitler, the most dangerous Hitler of them all). Clearly this was a wise choice. Still, looking at this photo I can’t help but think: Lady, you look old. And tired. You look so old and tired that I’m looking at a photo of you dressed as Lady Hitler, eating scorched Jew Cookies, and I’m still thinking about the fact that you look old and tired. It is my opinion that, as these photos circulate in the general public, you may find that they view you in a less than positive light.

I have always counted myself a fan, nay a friend, and for that reason I won’t let myself be a part of this. I cannot give these photographs (and the corresponding article) the full weight of the National Lampoon and ZAZ Report publishing. With great power comes great responsibility, Roseanne. Until today those were just words.

Instead I will be posting a series of adorable, public domain kitten photographs to follow.

As always, yours,

Drake Miller