CLUELESS

by Adam PacMan Taylor

Dear world, I have a favor to ask. When I die could someone please make sure that the LA County Coroner who examined the body of Brittany Murphy composes an autopsy report for me as well? As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t mind him touching up my resume while he’s at it. Looking to tweak that 2-week stint cleaning toilets at Arbys when I was 15 in to some “Executive Sales Experience.”

Following the untimely December death of Hollywood starlet Brittany Murphy, Thursday produced the long awaited, though sure to be surprise-free drug overdose repo…ahem…excuse me, Autopsy report.

Not so fast, common sense…

Official cause of death: you guessed it, pneumonia. Not to sound insensitive to the tragic passing of Ms. Murphy. It is always a shame to see anyone die so young, and as an avid Futurama enthusiast I was definitely a fan of at least some of her work. However, just out of curiosity, on an average day exactly how many exorbitantly wealthy, 32 year old white American girls are dying of pneumonia in the year 2010?

Of that number, how many are instantaneously collapsing in to a lifeless heap on their bathroom floors from it?

I think the last notable death solely attributed to pneumonia was Confederate General Stonewall Jackson in 1863…and he was living in a pile of snow. Sure there was a pneumonia pandemic in about 1918, however, since then a doctor’s best weapon against pneumonia is usually a box of tissues and chicken soup.

Murphy’s husband, writer/director Simon Monjack, even recalled his own bout with pneumonia in a statement to people.com following the release of the autopsy report. Said it made him cough…

Though in the coroner’s defense he does admit, in a somewhat laughable afterthought, that contributing factors of iron deficiency and multiple drug intoxication “may have played a role.”

In other news, The World Trade Center towers collapse due to structural damage, although the contributing factors of multiple airplane collisions may have played a role.

On second thought, allow me to pose an even better question. On an average day, exactly how many exorbitantly wealthy, 32 year old Hollywood socialites aren’t dying of bathroom floor drug overdoses? Ever since Marilyn Monroe made ODing in-vogue back in 1962 you have almost just come to expect it. I mean honestly, if Lindsay Lohan’s last headline does not include the words “face down in own puke” I’m going to assume it’s a typo. The celebrity drug overdose has become like a Purple Heart in Hollywood. I mean, I’m not saying Heath Ledger wasn’t good in Batman, but don’t be surprised when you see Brittany’s mom accepting some posthumous awards for whatever her next shit film was going to be. Just saying…

So tell me this LA County Coroner, did you really think you could just bury the words “multiple drug intoxication” so far towards the back of the sentence that we were just gonna abandon ship before we read that far? In actuality we were reading the words “multiple drug intoxication” the minute her face popped up on the news with a death-date underneath it.

I can almost hear that conversation with Murphy’s agent now: “I’m sorry sir, but as a medical examiner I just have way too much integrity to call her cause of death pneumonia….That being said, I’d be happy to tack it on to the real reason though.”

Now don’t get me wrong, I get why they do this shit. No one wants to be forever remembered as a junkie. (Although I highly doubt drug use is the first association made upon hearing names like Judy Garland, River Phoenix, Jimi Hendrix, or Kurt Cobain…ok, maybe Cobain.) But Hollywood coroners, here’s a little piece of advice. After decades of abuse, the word “pneumonia” has pretty much become synonymous with the term “cover-up.” Anytime I hear it associated with the death of anyone under the age 95 I immediately flip a coin between drugs or AIDS. It’s basically like telling a kid “please don’t look in this shiny box labeled ‘NOT CANDY’ cause you most certainly won’t find candy inside.” Next time you are asked to downplay the obvious OD, just say something like Trypanosomiasis. Trust me, we’ll instantly lose interest, turn the page, and start reminiscing about how good Brittany was in Little Black Book.

I feel like we’ve even come to a point where you coroners add the word pneumonia to an autopsy report just to take the edge off. Like the lime after a shot of tequila. I mean we all know damn well that Freddie Mercury died of AIDS but peppering in the word pneumonia sort of soothes the sting. I believe Pat Garrett told his old gang that Billy the Kid had a slight touch of pneumonia on the day he shot him in the back.

Granted we’d be remiss to discount the ill effects of that nasty “iron deficiency” as well. Surprised the medical report didn’t mention that she was suffering from hiccups too?

The recommended daily dose of iron is approximately 15 mg. To put that in perspective you can probably intake double that amount by smelling a piece of fish from 5 yards away. Last week they pulled a starving Haitian girl out of 6 tons of earthquake rubble 15 days after being trapped with apparently less of an iron deficiency as poor Brittany had sleeping in her posh Hollywood mansion. Today she’s playing stickball. Before Brittany’s moral-less coroner added “instantaneous death” to the list, the most notable symptom of an iron deficiency was irritability. Followed closely by brittle fingernails and poop discoloration.

Nonetheless, thanks to this wily coroner’s clever wording I guess history will now remember Brittany Murphy for her short-lived battle with pneumonia. Unlike our ghastly recollections of that strung out crack head Chris Farley, right?

Oh well, I guess there could be worse things to be remembered for…

8 Mile for example.

…and yes, I do realize I will be dying of pneumonia now that I have written this. I just hope my bathroom floor has carpets.