Let’s put it this way – we here at National Lampoon are hardcore interviewers. If you can get through one of our interviews unscathed… Well, let’s just say people compare me to Walter Cronkite. (No one says that. Yes they do. No. YES! Shit - I need to stop talking to myself.)

I put my questions about politics, sex, dating advice, jobs, rapping, the Olfactory glands and shoe sniffing urges to the test with David Faustino. He’s a cool dude, funny and isn’t ready to fade away from the Hollywood light. And you need to check out his new show “Star-ving” on Sony’s www.Crackle.com.

Onto the interview…

Q: Before I start off – I’d like to let you know that I’m known as a shitty interviewer.

(INSERT AWKWARD PAUSE.)

A: Okay.

Q: My readers at National Lampoon are dying to know - what is your stance on the President of the United States going to Cairo?

A: I think it’s great for our public relations. I’m glad he’s doing it. I think it’s a really wise move.

*Note to readers: I don’t know why I asked that question.

Q: In a hypothetical bizarro world - what would Bud Bundy be doing today? Job, dating status, etc.?

A: He’d probably be. Um… I think he’d be a bit more successful. He’d probably own a shoe store – oppose to just working in one. He’d probably be married but trying to still get laid, you know?

Q: Most actors/actresses claim they’re a method actor - were you one with Bud Bundy? More specifically, would you go out and get thrown across a room and slapped/turned down/made fun of by women to replicate an honest scene as Bud?

A: I was definitely a method actor with Bud. I would do a lot of sense memory and creating being hungry and being horny all the time. I would just use a lot of sense memory. Nah, I’m just kidding.

Q: Tell us about your rap career? How’d you get the name of D’Lil? Why not Lil’D?

A: That’s a good question. I think there was a Lil’D at the time somewhere and we just decided to switch it around. And the rap was just something I enjoyed doing and still enjoy doing today. I’ve always been a huge hip-hop fan.

Q: Tell us about what you’re up to these days?

A: Right now, we just wrapped up the first season of “Star-ving.” It’s an online show I created for Sony’s www.Crackle.com. You can just google “Star-ving.” We are pitching it to television – that’s just one project. We have several projects that are in various stages of production so that’s kind of what we’re doing now. The company is called F.N.B. Entertainment with my partners and I. I’ve done a couple of independent films and I have a spot on Entourage next month. I’m always just hustling.

From Crackle: Star-ving Ep 1 feat Ed O’Neill & David Faustino

Q: Can you please indulge a loser like myself with some of the beautiful Hollywood starlets you’ve dated in the past?

A: Well, I don’t really kiss and tell. There’s a couple out there – you can look it up. Some famous starlets and not so famous – a couple of playmates. But like I said before – I don’t kiss and tell – because if you do that – they won’t give it up.

Q: Can you give me advice on dating? Chicks absolutely hate me. I suffer from chronic halitosis, though.

A: Just be the center of attention. Just be the sought after one – not the one who is always thinking.

Q: On that note - we here at the Lampoon are always trying to break a story, albeit even if it’s ten years past due - Did you ever hook up with the amazingly beautiful Christina Applegate?

A: No. She was like a sister to me. I never even had a crush on her and I’m sure she didn’t have one on me.

Q: I’m sure you’re most often recognized as Bud Bundy from Married with Children - does this bother you?

A: It’s a good feeling. I mean, it used to bother me more when I was a teenager. You know, when you’re a kid – you’re young and angry – but now, I don’t really give a shit. I actually like it.

Q: You’ve been around Hollywood since you were a kid - can you explain what it’s like to be in Hollywood? Go from a hit show of eleven years and then - the show ends? Aspiring actors always think it’ll be them who makes it - please be cynical and explain to them what the real deal is. I’d like you to scare kids away from following their dreams because let’s be honest - dreams are overrated.

A: Not many of them will make it. You really have to be willing to hit the pavement and hustle, network, train and even when you make it – you still have to be willing to do a lot of work to keep the blood flowing – so to speak. I don’t know – unless it’s really, really calling you – and you love L.A. and you can find something else to do as well – I say do it. If not, I’d say forget it because it can definitely be a grind.

Q: Do you ever still get the urge to sniff sneakers and how’s your Olfactory gland?

A: My Olfactory glands are still working well. And no, I don’t have those cravings to sniff sneakers anymore.

Q: I know this is probably out of the question - but why hasn’t there been a Married with Children movie?