Nearing the end of the season, and what is on the horizon but a summer of shit, of weeping and staring at an empty screen while images of Michael Scott and Liz Lemon dance in our heads, playing out the shoddy plotlines from our Office/30 Rock crossover spec script. Or maybe sadly masturbating to the Steve Carell/Tina Fey slash fiction we all wrote for tvsexstories.edu. Either way, a long, hot summer of unfulfillment awaits. But until then, Drake and I will be there to make you wish you had died.

Drake: Hello?

Andy: what up, Drizzle? How’re your turds treating you?

Drake: What would you like to talk about?

Andy: I was just sweeping up cat hair.

Drake: Look I’m sure we’d all love to sweep up cat hair all the time. Unfortunately, we’ve got work to do.

Andy: Yeah, it’s weird. I don’t even have any cats.

Drake: So. Brass tacks. What do you want to talk about?

Andy: How about CRAPRICA HAHAHAHA

Drake: ….I see what you did there…. Break it down for me, Andy.

Andy: I feel so on the spot. I…I didn’t know…I would have to formulate…opinions…

Andy: Oh, yeah…Caprica. Good try, guys. Maybe next time. I loved BSG, but they can’t all be winners, can they?

Kid Adama looks nothing like Edward James Olmos. They should have used Lord of the Rings CGI and just had him play a child.

Drake: No. No they can’t.

Andy: I mean, Friends was a masterpiece, but Joey was a sack of shit in a shit-pound sack.

Drake: That was a worse metaphor than some kind of shitty metaphor. I kinda hate them for reminding me of Battlestar, if that makes any sense.

Andy: As least they picked a good actress for the cylon. I haven’t seen anyone that robotic since Small Wonder fucked Data.

Drake: Caprica showed up at my door step and was like “I know that you’re life has been bleak and listless since Battlestar ended. But don’t worry, I’m here now. There’s a delicious TV movie that you’ve never seen.” But then it wasn’t. They made me learn to love again!

Andy: They made you yearn to love again.

Drake: Yeah I’m a little confused as to that line. Either way, it wasn’t really worth it. Are we actually sticking with that insane rating system you made up last time?

Andy: What was it, cat dicks? Yes.

Drake: See I still haven’t figured out a movie wants more or less?

Andy: So, the less cat dicks, the better it is? Since inherently, you wouldn’t want just a plate of cat dicks in front of you.

Drake: I think so. Like, here’s a frame reference. How many does the movie Soul Plane get?

Andy: 38

Drake: Ok. I understand now. So shoot: Caprica.

Andy: 3

Drake: It seems like that would be very good….

Andy: Here’s the thing. It’s a pilot. We have to be gracious with a pilot, especially from someone like Ron Moore. BSG was one of my favorite shows of the last few years.

Drake: He’s earned it. 3 it is.

Andy: The problem was that it was just so melodramatic. BSG had real, actual drama. Not manufactured sentiment. And in Caprica it seemed so…airy. Like the drama had to float on this stale atmosphere.

Drake: I know just what you mean….We’re in agreement and that makes me kinda antsy. Something is very wrong with the universe.

Andy: Don’t we agree most of the time and just cover up the lack of tension with jokes about poo?

Drake: Damn it, Andy. I can’t hide behind obscure blue comedy anymore! So, here’s something where I may be out on my own. Did you by any chance check on the latest, I guess second to last episode of Dollhouse? I’m thinking probably not. I may be the only person who did.

Andy: No, I decided my life was too short to waste it on Dollhouse. I stopped after episode one. It’s that fucking melodrama again. Whedon, Moore, what is the fascination with maudlin bullshit?

Drake: Well that was clearly my chain of thought, and yeah it has been really bad and the ratings are worse. But here’s the thing; I was happily surprised. This one was really spot on.

Andy: Well, I don’t really plan on watching it ever, so go ahead and spoil it for me.

Drake: I don’t think there are any viewers left to see it anyway.

Andy: Was either Xander or Nathan Fillion in it?

Drake: Actually, kinda close. Alan Tudyk comes back as a pot smoking, shut in scientist.

From when Tudyk was hanging out with Margot Kidder.

Andy: Wash!

Drake: Indeed. Jane Espenson, who was one of the major writers on Buffy, Firefly, and Battlestar wrote the script. It deviates from the really tired formula of the rest of the show. I though it was great. It’s the first episode where Eliza Dushku’s role-of-the-week isn’t the main plot line.

Andy: I am really not a fan of “_________ of the week” The worst was Smallville. When I watched that fucking terrible show, I must have had brain cancer or something. I like comics and everything, but that was one of the most badly written, badly acted slabs of horseshit in the entire goddamn universe.

Drake: Haha. You say “was” like it went anywhere.

Andy: I have seen ditches filled with the body parts of Palestinian civilians that had more energy and better line readings than those freaks.

Drake: There are just so many people to be offended for…

Andy: Miles Millar and Alfred Gough…they should be offended. For giving birth to that monster, and then cutting its throat while halfway out of their collective vagina. (That’s what I call a “late-term abortion”.) Yet it lived. And everyday it screams to the heavens, “Why did I survive?”

Drake: I feel like we’re hitting a little close to home. Let’s change gears. Sit Down, Shut Up.

Andy: I gave that jar of cat dicks 7 minutes.

The biggest misfire since the Iraq War.

Drake: Look, you can’t use the cat dicks as a reference and then use it as a method of determining quality. I only just understood the cat dicks rating system.

Andy: I censored myself from something worse.

Andy: Seven minutes. I watched it with my roommate. I remember, at about 7 minutes in, I was like, “Alright. I’m done.” I went into the other room and made dinner.

Drake: What did you make?

Andy: I can’t remember. Probably a veggie burger or some shit like that. When compared to Sit Down, Shut Up, I could have made a sack of maggots and it would have been like a religious experience.

Drake: You know….I’m starting to think you didn’t care for that show….Call me crazy.

Andy: Ok, you’re crazy.

Drake: Thanks.

Andy: Wait. I meant “an asshole”. I get those two words mixed up sometimes.

Drake: That’s ‘cause you’re an asshole.

Andy: The last time I visited my brother at the asylum, they kicked me out because I kept calling everyone an asshole.

Drake: Yeah, I didn’t care for Sit Down, Shut Up either, which is unfortunate considering the creators and voice cast.

Andy: It’s completely unfortunate. I’ll give you my roommate’s summation since I didn’t bother. There are no likeable characters. And the show as a whole is misanthropic.

Drake: Say hey to your roommate for me.

Andy: In the little I saw, I didn’t care about that. I just thought the jokes were fucking awful. It’s like Hurwitz let Steve Holt write it.

Drake: Well that’s misleading. Cause I would watch The Steve Holt Show. But on the whole, I agree. It really does feel like a show that almost hates itself. Like they just couldn’t be asked to take they’re own plot lines seriously.

Andy: Speaking of hating oneself, I have to go sit in the fetal position and weep for an hour. Talk to you later.