Howard Refuses To Date “Unclean” Women

Hustle & Flow star Terrence Howard refuses to date women who don’t use moistened tissue on visits to the toilet - as they are “not completely clean.” The Oscar-nominated actor insists potential female suitors must not rely solely on toilet tissues in the bathroom, and even goes to the trouble of advising any partners to make the switch to baby wipes if they don’t already use them. He tells Elle magazine, “If they’re using dry paper, they aren’t washing all of themselves. It’s just unclean. So if I go inside a woman’s house and see the toilet paper there, I’ll explain this. And if she doesn’t make the adjustment to baby wipes, I’ll know she’s not completely clean.”

When checking my daily morning links, I came across the above blurb on imdb.com. It’s a story that catches your eye, makes you do a double take, then… the crazy thoughts start running wild.

What was the event on that fateful day that made him contact his publicist and tell them to put out a press release that lets the women of the world know that Terrence Howard will have nothing to do with them unless they employ the proper anal cleaning methods? Is the event that caused this neurotic press release decent enough to print in a nice, clean, wholesome blog? I keep envisioning nude wrestling with Terrence and a celebrity date (someone who could be a little “unclean” like Britney Spears). She has him pinned and is sitting on his face when he sees something that causes him to snap. Like corn or something.

Is that going too far? Should I really be making fun of his request? I mean its his life, he can date who he wants. But isn’t that the beauty of free speech? The license to make fun of every nut job statement people make? I think its my duty to inquire… Should his nose of been that close to an anus in the first place? I always thought of an ass as one of those things you just assumed was alittle nasty on people. Its only function is for releasing the waste products from our body. Its not meant for closer inspection. Wouldn’t that be like complaining that a hobo’s armpit is toxicly stinky? “What the hell were you doing with your nose in his armpit to begin with?”

How do his dates go? Does he cut out all the normal pleasantries and formalities like “Hi”, “What is your name”, “Where are you from”, and “What do you do for a living” and go straight to “How clean is your butthole”?

I really hope this leads to a Terrence Howard Blind Date show.

Every show starts with some naïve young woman, excited about her blind date with Oscar nominee Terrence Howard! They could even have a little thing that shows the time:

6 PM: Jennifer getting ready. She hops out of the shower and begins putting on her makeup. She sounds so excited and she’s reciting all of her favorite lines from “Crash” and “Hustle & Flow”.

6PM: Terrence is dropping a deuce in the bathroom. Once through, he cleanses his butt with three types of Aloe treated baby wipes.

6:30 PM: Jennifer has her makeup applied. She’s struggling between the sexy black dress or the more dignified green one. She implores the cameraman for help. Her joy at the upcoming date is fun and infectious!

6:30 PM: Terrence has begun phase seven of anus cleaning, which includes his own homemade mixture of Hydrochloric Acid, Polyethylene and a hint of Cinnamon. He applies the cleanser with no less than three layers of rubber gloves.

6:45 PM: Jennifer is excitedly relays all of her feelings to her best friend and they make suggestive comments about where the night may go, like “Maybe Terrence will show me HIS Iron Man…”

6:45 PM: Terrence finishes up his anal cleansing by applying a layer of car wax, so that no impurities may come anywhere near his anus and if they do, they can easily be brushed away. Terrence, too, has romance on his mind, so he splashes a hint of vanilla in that special region, just in case the night goes to that special place where they will be examining each other for cleanliness. We see that twinkle in his eye at the prospect of finally finding true love.

7:30-8:15 PM: Jennifer is already at the restaurant when Terrence enters. They’re both all smiles as Terrence introduces himself and sits. Terrance subtly peppers the dinner conversation with his inquiries into how “clean” of a woman Jennifer is. The television broadcast includes one of those Blind Date like thought bubbles which reads “Do you have poop in your britches?”, followed by an enthusiastic laugh track.

8:15 PM: Terrence excuses himself to go to the restroom.

9:15 PM: Terrence returns from the restroom to a noticeably bored Jennifer. He now insists that they go to her place. A stunned Jennifer has no choice but to accept.

9:45 PM: As they arrive at Jennifer’s place, Terrence asks her where her restroom is.

“But… you just went at the restaurant. I know you did. You were in there for an hour. If the camera crew hadn’t been there, I would have thought you had left.”

“I just need a second in there.” Terrence is not going to bend on this. Jennifer points him in the direction of the bathroom. She then turns to the camera crew like they are setting her up to be Punk’d. Terrence returns in a jiff, holding a roll of toilet paper. He is pissed.

“What the hell is this?” Terrence asks in an accusational tone.

“Its toiler paper.” Jennifer timidly responds.

“Toilet paper? You are one disgusting woman. Do you really think that Charmin Ultra is anywhere near satisfactory enough for cleansing yourself? You should feel dirty and ashamed of yourself!” Jennifer isn’t sure how to respond. (I’m imagining Terrence’s rant would be similar to Zach Braff’s rant on Punk’d)

“I’m sorry.” Jennifer timidly states.

“Well sorry don’t get the bacteria out of your ass!” And Terrence storms off. Outside the house, Terrence rails on a producer. “Why do you keep setting me up with these women? You know my rules! Only women who use moist towelettes or better when they poo! Damn it! Why are you guys so dense? Its not that hard! I know you all saw my press release on it. You’d better find someone better next week!” Terrance storms off.

As Terrance leaves, the producer turns to the camera and cracks up. “You keep thinking its going to get old, but having Terrence Howard rails on innocent woman for using toilet paper is about as funny as it gets. I kind of feel bad for putting all of these women through this, but it always feels worth it in the end.”

Every once in awhile, they could do a collaborative show with Punk’d where they get an actress to go back to Terrence’s house with him, then after a while announce “I went number two, used toilet paper, then sat naked on your couch.” And just see where it goes.

It sounds like this stipulation he has only extends to the women he is dating. Not to people he is working with, because if so, there’s no way they could have gotten through Hustle & Flow with Anthony Anderson by his side the entire time…

Like its not scary enough going out with an Oscar nominee, now you have to worry about if you’re using the right bathroom tissue to meet their needs. Its stories like these that are the source of so many neuroses in this country. Someone will read this, then wonder if they’re offending their significant other. So they only use baby wipes. Then, when driving through West Texas, this person can’t hold it anymore and they stop in an unclean bathroom. They actually have an aneurism because there are no baby wipes in the restroom. A big bold headline story appears in newspapers around the world. Woman dies because she didn’t wipe up with baby wipes. Then, half the population goes crazy thinking they’re going to die because they don’t use baby wipes. Everyone remains in a constant state of panic until it becomes standard practice to use baby wipes.

Then something else will come along.

And its all your fault, Terrence Howard.

OTHER RANDOM THOUGHTS

As part of the Terrence Howard show, I’d like to tell Terrence disgusting stories and get his take. “Terrence. How do you feel about certain celebrity superficial gestures to combat global warming, such as Jennifer Aniston’s pledge to only brush her teeth when she showers or Sheryl Crow’s plan to only use 1 sheet of toilet paper a day?”

Can you imagine how screwed up Terrence’s kids are going to be during potty training?

“Did you wipe?”

“Yes”

“How many times?”

“Seventy five.”

“Did you use dry tissue?”

“No, sir!”

“OK, good. Now time for your therapist session.”

Its going to take being Mr. Clean’s niece to be a proper bride for Terrence. I hope he finds her.