Kate Minus Jon Plus Eight Equals What?

by ThaneEconomou

For some time now I have been the Senior National Lampoon Reporter on all Jon & Kate Plus Eight related news. I spent years of non-stop research into the mentality and psychology of America’s most dysfunctional couple. My personal life disintegrated, my therapist dropped me as a client, my wife left me for my therapist … and all for my work to thoroughly explore and explain the sensation that is Jon & Kate Plus Eight for your reading pleasure.

And now I learn that it is all for naught. It was not the end of Jon & Kate when the couple filed for divorce months ago. In fact, it seemed the quite the opposite. Instead of the show being filled with boring kids, it could now focus on the world’s most strained relationship disintegrating for the enjoyment of a sadistic nation.

But now TLC has foolishly announced they are dropping Jon from the show – and worse, the title. Kate Plus Eight will follow the single mother as she looks after her eight children. If I wanted to watch that, I’ll go down to the local laundromat. But seeing as I own a washing machine and think laundromats smell like poverty, I’ll pass.

Does TLC not realize that they had the ability to truly reinvent television? Keeping Jon on the show would be like watching The Brady Bunch, but better. It would be just like the original, except Mike and Carol would separate, Carol would yell uncontrollably at Cindy and Bobby (when she’s not away on book tours and hosting her new talk show) and Mike would show up occasionally with some younger, hotter chick.

It is with great sadness I say goodbye to one of television’s greatest couples. But what really kept me weeping all day, was our loss of Jon.

Jon, you complete turd of a man, I will miss you. You belong in the reality TV douchebag hall of fame with the likes of Spencer Pratt and Brody Jenner. May your memory be eternal.

Previous articles in Thane Economou’s Pulitzer Prize winning series on Jon & Kate:

Jon Plus Eight Every Other Weekend

Jon & Kate Don’t Mistreat Dogs, Just Children