It started with extensive research and 32 songs emerged. The people spoke and 16 were left standing! (Assume I wrote three more NCAA Tournament Broadcast-worthy lines here.) And now two remain…

Straight out of Los Angeles, California… residing on the US Pop Charts for over two months… clocking in at over 2 million downloads on iTunes… it has been called “the musical equivalent of a bad Farrelly Brothers movie”… My Humps!!!!

And the challenger… hailing from Nashville, Tennessee… a breakthrough crossover hit on both the Country and Pop charts in the United States… the reason people hate country music… so bad it was passed over by the Oak Ridge Boys… Achy Breaky Heart!!!

And now its up to YOU to decide which one is the worst song of all time. How do you let us know here at the Zaz what your vote is? There are several ways!

Option A:

Send an email to thatsongiscrap@gmail.com (yes its real). And vote for which ones you want to go on to the next crappy round. Sample email:

Mr. Zaz Report,
In order to sway your vote I am going to intoxicate you with my female cleavage and female bottom. Aw. Who am I kidding. I don’t care if our song loses this contest and is officially deemed the worst song ever. I just wrote this for you. Because I am drunk. Drunk on your lovely gentleman humps. You drive this Fergie crazy. You do it on the daily. I’ll treat you really nicely. I’ll buy you a Cherry Icee. Playstation with the Blu-Ray. I’ll buy you one every day. Tickets to the big game. I want to be your Dame.

Anyway. Here is my vote. CHECK IT OUT!:

Achy Breaky Heart

Fergalicious

Option B:
Become a fan of The Zaz! Report on Facebook and post your votes as a comment on there. Fan page is here.

Option C:
Comment on this post. Feel free to use foul language, make fun of any celebrity you see fit or just post your votes. You have free reign over your comments. Go buck wild.

Option D:
Stalk a Zaz! Report Writer and tell them your vote!

Please have your votes in by October 10th and I’ll post the results and we can finally name one song the WORST SONG EVER!

Current Vote Totals…

My Humps          Achy Breaky Heart

32                          13

Let’s take a more detailed look at the two songs (after the break):

My Humps

By

The Black Eyed Peas

Released: September 20, 2005
Genre: Feminism-wrecking Pop
Video: Click here if you love her lovely lady lumps
How It Got Here:

• Round 1: Defeated “This is Why I’m Hot” by Mims - 88.9%-11.1%
• Round 2: Defeated “You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt - 75%-25%
• Round 3: Defeated “If Everyone Cared” by Nickelback- 67.8%-32.2%
• Round 4: Defeated “Can I Touch You There” by Michael “No Talent Ass Clown” Bolton- 63.2%-36.8%

Worst Lyric:

What you gon’ do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?
I’m a make, make, make, make you scream

Its hard to single out one line or so since they repeat tiny variations of the lady lumps line for the ENTIRE DAMN SONG.

Comments from Critics (that I mostly stole from Wikipedia):

John Bush, writing for Allmusic, described it as “one of the most embarrassing rap performances of the new millennium”

Hua Hsu of Slate said, “It’s not Awesomely Bad; it’s Horrifically Bad. … There are bad songs that offend our sensibilities but can still be enjoyed, and then there are the songs that are just really bad—transcendentally bad, objectively bad.” “A song so awful, it hurts the mind.”

In a poll conducted by Rolling Stone, the song was ranked first in the list of 20 most annoying songs.

Previous Jokes:

May officially be known as the day feminism died. “We have fought for decades to be taken seriously for our intellect and not for our looks. We are equal with men and it is demeaning for us to be judged solely based on our looks. Finally! We are here! No longer will men expect us to use our looks to get ahead and in return we will not use our looks to advance. We will no longer be viewed on par with common prostitutes!”

“What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps”

Silence.

“Thanks. Thanks very much Fergie. Your love humps have set back equality between the sexes by forty years. Thanks.”

It is nice to finally see a song from the Gold Digger side of things.

When Will.i.am asks Fergie “What’cha gonna do with all that junk? All that junk inside yo trunk?” Some other directions she could have taken the song:

• I’m gonna com-com-complain ’bout these pants. Ain’t supposed to make my junk look giant
• <insert poop related joke here>
• I’m gonna get, get, get a record deal. Get a platinum record for making your Squeal!
• <insert fart related joke here>
• I’m gonna do some, do some, do some porn. Do some porn ’til my junk looks worn.

Achy Breaky Heart

By

Billy Ray Cyrus

Released: April 14, 1992
Genre: The sound people heard in their heads in Scanners just before their heads blew up.
Video: Don’t Click this link, this achy breaky link
How It Got Here:

• Round 1: Defeated “Thong Song” by Sisqo- 88.9%-11.1%
• Round 2: Defeated “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine “Blame Canada” Dion - 75%-25%
• Round 3: Defeated “Macarena” Los Del Rio - 70%-30%
• Round 4: Defeated “Heartbeat” by Don Johnson - 77.8%-22.2%

Worst Lyric:

Or tell your Aunt Louise, tell anything you please
Myself already knows I’m not OK

Super, incredibly clever Billy Ray lists out all of his body parts and relevant personnel that his ex-girl can inform that they are no longer an item. (Like “You can tell my feet to hit the floor”. Eat your heart out Shakespeare.) After informing fingertips, lips, eyes, mind, brother Cliff, feet, arms, dogs and Ma, Billy Ray found that the song wasn’t long enough. He wasn’t quite up for including the appendix or colon in the song, so he lazied out and put “Aunt Louise and tell her anything you please”. Or, I could go with the obvious selection:

Don’t tell my heart… my Achy Breaky Heart
He might blow up and kill this man.

Comments from Critics (that I mostly stole from Wikipedia):

This is the musical equivalent of the movie “Plan 9 From Outer Space.” — Some dude on the internet

For those of you who don’t believe in God…this one is proof that he DOES punish us for our sins… — Some dude on the internet

Reached #2 on VH1’s 50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs, and on Blender magazine’s 50 Worst Songs Ever.

Previous Jokes:

You add the mullet to the song to the fact its a country song… you get possibly the worst song ever.

Not only did this song make it impossible to be cool and like Country music, but had this song never hit, Billy Ray would have never achieved his crazy level of fame and he would have ended up working at a gas station until his career took off. Yet, it never did.

Having not escaped to the life of Luxury, his daughter Miley had to take on a job waitressing to make ends meet and had to put her dreams of making it as a teen superstar on hold to help put food on the table.

And we have a world without Hannah Montana. And its all Achey Breaky Heart’s fault.

“Achy Breakey Heart makes me get that battery acid taste in my mouth so lets go with that one.” - Cory Griffin

“Billy Ray, aside from the hideous haircut and the worse song, also spawned Miley Cyrus aka Hannah Montanna. For that he deserves the dishonor.” - Heath Alexander