The King Of Pop Is To Be A Butter Statue: If you thought you were the biggest Jackson fan, the city of Des Moines, Iowa begs to differ! In an unrelated story, Des Moines, Iowa now leads the country in size-40 waists.

Woman On Tracks ‘To Clear Her Mind’ Hit By Train: Don’t worry. This dumb-ass only got a leg broken when the train hit her. The 22-year-old claimed she was practicing her performance art piece: Bob Dylan’s “Blood On The Tracks”.

Man Has Boss Killed To Save His Job: Now, ya see? This is exactly why I work for free as an intern. I avoid the fear of losing a paycheck all together.

Man Drenches Wife With Hose For Smoking: And she totally deserved it too. That same man, just a week earlier, punched a squirrel at the park when it did that cute jumping-up-onto-your-table-thing.

S.C. Governor Mark Sanford Admits To Additional Affairs:

Jesus Mark, shut your trap already. I mean really, you’re digging yourself a massive hole there darlin’. I know many other politicians lie about this stuff, and it’s the wrong thing to do, but you’ve swung the pendulum way too far in the opposite direction. Way too many details. It is cool to know, however, that this Argentinian mistress and I both favor hot boy-shorts to thongs.