Well hello, America. I’m Travis Tack; and, every so often, as a service to our share-holders, I send a memo out through the waves of the internet to let you good people know what we here at National Lampoon have been working on.
Over the last year, our gifted team of writers, inventors and bio-scientists have been very busy developing products and strategies so that we may best serve you, our public.
So, without any further introduction, let me lay out some of our current endeavors.

1.)    “The National Lampoon Big Book of Boobs”
Each page features a showcase of different breasts from different countries around the world. We have Swedish boobs, Nigerian boobs and Canadian boobs (which are more like ham); just to name a few. All nipples of all nationalities. If there’s one thing we now that America wants – it’s cleavage. A rainbow of different chest appendages well lit to serve all your voyeuristic needs.

2.)    “Baked Beans”
Lampoon knows that none of our fans would like anything more than to sit down with a copy of Vacation, a can of beans, and a beer, then fart into their Laz-E-Boys to their hearts content. We understand your needs, and we provide accordingly.

3.)    “The new F. Scott Fitzgerald Novel”
Everyone’s been waiting for the next epic novel from Fitzgerald, but only Lampoon has it. “Vag-Patrol Goes To Sea” is a new genre for the fiction master (making his screenwriting debut). The film follows the story of three stoner-college kids as they attempt to make a boat out of fake vaginas. Paris Hilton stars as “The Captain” of the SS Poon. Get ready to hit the high seas and set sail for sexy, nude, ocean hi-jinx!

4.)    “Doorbells that Play Music”
I know the idea of the musical door-bell is not a new one; but we’ve added a twist on this old classic. Our musical door-bells will only play annoying music; music so annoying that you won’t even want to stay in your house. Just another gift from National Lampoon, to you – the American public.

5.)    “Non-Threatening Dinosaurs”
In order to appeal to our creationist demographic, Lampoon is now working on engineering “Christian-Friendly” dinosaurs. These dinosaurs will walk and talk like normal dinosaurs; however, they will also vehemently deny any existence pre-dating biblical history.

6.)    “Bowler Caps & Fedoras”
Through a detailed process of trend-setting and undercover-guerilla marketing, we are currently trying to return dress-hats to the common cultural-zeitgeist. So, rest easy, Old People; kids will be dressing in a manner you’re comfortable with very soon!

7.)    “National Lampoon’s History of the Nation”
We bring you the complete history of the United States – but, with added boobs, for good measure.

8.)    “Johnny: The Sarcastic Dog”
We felt it had been too long since there was a regular weekly comic strip about a sarcastic house pet; so, we bring you Johnny: The Sarcastic Dog. The character’s lovable quips and insatiable hunger for tacos will have you in stitches.

9.) “National Lampoon’s Bible”
Continuing our intellectual literature series, we bring you our take on the bible. It’s the regular bible – but all the characters are depicted as having giant, heaving bosoms.

10.)“Homeless Men With Insatiable Lust For Money”
At Lampoon, we’re in need of financing – desperately. That’s why we’ve hired people to go undercover as homeless people and constantly demand change from people as they pass by on the street. Through this practice we have achieved two things. One – we have a bank account entirely funded with coins. And, Two – we have bothered the general public to the point where they lust for, they need, base, guttural, primitive entertainment; entertainment like only National Lampoon can provide.

So, keep an eye out for these products – coming soon to a world near you.