As always, we here at National Lampoon graciously look up history so that you, our beloved public, may remember and learn from humanities mistakes. And, trust me, most of our history is mistakes.

1791 – Under the Command of Lafayette the French National Guard open fire on a crowd of protesting Jacobins (killing 50 people)
…They then go back to drinking beer and playing blackjack, or whatever it is that the French National Guard do in their off time. (Twiddling mustaches or something… Maybe making bread out of their own yeast. Painting fruit… Who knows. I’m guessing it’s something vaguely “European”.)

1867 – Harvard School of Dental Medicine is Opened in Boston
This is the first school of Dentistry to be created in the U.S.; bad teeth is still blamed on mouth elves.

1944 – WW2, Americans drop the first Napalm Incendiary Bombs
For the rest of the decade Americans try to figure out ways to do more damage in a less obvious way. This event is not as widely discussed as the napalm bombing of Vietnam because way fewer people give a shit about France.

1955 – Disneyland Opens on TV
The venue is used to secretly torture parents.

1997 – Woolworth’s Closes
After 117 years of business, Woolworth’s closes. British people now need to find a new store to buy cheap crap in.