VS.

Its “World AIDS Day” on Twitter.  Apparently on Google, also.  I’m not totally sure what that means other than heated arguments in 140 characters or less on Twitter!!  I’m currently following Kevin Smith (Director-Writer-Geek God Clerks, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back) who is going head to head with the granddaughter of infamous Fred Phelps of the gay hating Westboro Baptist Church.  Here’s how it has/is all going down:

Round 1:

Megan comes in wearing the red trunks.  She’s in her corner at http://twitter.com/meganphelps

Silent Bob, weighing in at .75 Harry Knowles, is wearing the blue trunks in his corner at http://twitter.com/ThatKevinSmith.

Please note that Kevin Smith’s twitter DOES have one of those “Verified” stickers on the top of it.  Megan’s does not, so it could be an imposter trying to sully the good Phelps name.

ThatKevinSmith Via @pinkfloyd812 ” @meganphelps is a pickle fucker.” HIGHLY doubtful. Leave the kid alone: she just got some really bad teaching early on.

Smith starts in with a back door insult at the Phelps family.  It wasn’t so much the insult that Megan had a problem with, but the back door side of things.  She fired back with:

meganphelps Really, @ThatKevinSmith - you shamelssly corrupt ur kids from the womb & thereby bringing God’s wrath on your heads…www.twitpic.com/rqgrf

Megan fires back with a “You corrupt your kids” shot.  Not sure about this approach.  Seems to be something he might take great pride in.  Kind of like tossing ice cream sandwiches at him.  He’s just going to enjoy it.  Before Smith can get another shot in, Megan comes with a left jab…

meganphelps …and I got some bad teaching? @ThatKevinSmith

Yes, Megan.  Yes you did.

meganphelps @ThatKevinSmith I mean, it was nice of you to try to curb the mass of hate headed our direction, but rebelling against God obviously isn’t | working for u - why not just ATTEMPT obedience? Just sayin. & BTW - I’m so thankful to be hated for these words! See Mt 5:11

Reverse of field!  Megan tries the “killing him with kindness” tactic.  Not sure he was curbing the hate, but more of putting up a “Don’t feed the idiots signs”.

ThatKevinSmith Via @meganphelps “you corrupt thereby bringing God’s wrath on your HEAD” Fighting… dark Satanic urge… to make well-timed… dick joke…

Smith with a solid dick joke.

ThatKevinSmith Reminder, re: @meganphelps: her agitating-ways aside, remember to handle all teen girls’ self esteem with care (yes, even a Phelps-Whelp).

After taking a time out to pimp some of her Got Hates Fags merchandise, Megan fires back:

meganphelps @ThatKevinSmith Have you seen my @ replies? WHAT self esteem? =D & remember: Christ said “If ye love me, keep my commandments.” John 14:15

meganphelps @ThatKevinSmith & this: “He that saith, I know him, and keepeth not his commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him.” 1 Jo 2:4.

meganphelps @ThatKevinSmith And while I’m sure most love to be thought younger than they are, I’m actually 23. =)

Megan comes back with a flurry of haymakers from some book.  Maybe Twilight.  I dunno.  Then finishes with a “Oh yeah!  I’m older than I look!” comment.  Megan’s attempts to sway Smith over to the “God Hates Fags” camp begins.  Let’s see if Kevin takes the bait and switches sides.  Oh, wait!  There is the bell!  We’ll be back for round two (after the jump):

I think you clearly have to give round 1 to Smith.  While Megan threw more punches, she walked right into Smith’s penis.  Penis joke, I meant.  I swear.

After round one, Smith had this to say with our ringside reporter:

ThatKevinSmith @Funkletrumpet “Does @meganphelps fanatical views not anger you?” Her views baffle me, sure. But anger me? Nah. Anger’s THEIR trip. Give people like that your pity, not your scorn. Like Gramma always said “Jesus doesn’t love a cocksucker; he loves EVERY cocksucker.”

In between selling bigot inspired t-shirts and bumper stickers, Megan had to have heard that and she’s going to come out enraged.

Round 2

We rejoin the action.  We fully expect Phelps to be on the offensive here.  She’s digging deep to find another bible passage to support her hateful views.  First Corinthians?  Nothing.  Dammit.  Second Corinthians?  Crap!  Half Blood Prince?  Nothing!

Seeing an opportunity, Smith takes HIS turn at conversion:

ThatKevinSmith Via @meganphelps “while I’m sure most love 2 be thought younger than they are, I’m actually 23″ I’m gonna convert u, Megan. Starting… NOW!

ThatKevinSmith C’mon @meganphelps: Gramps’ religion not as fun as mine: a giant, eternal baby rockets through the cosmos, granting wishes and eating lunch!

Smith going after grandpa.  Here, Megan has a few options.  She could go the “He’s so old.  He says crazy stuff.  Don’t bring him into this.  He’s like that dad from http://www.twitter.com/shitmydadsays, but with more N-words.”  Or she could totally attack back with a “At least I didn’t make Jersey Girl.  Let’s see where she takes it.

Megan still looking for more hate validation in the bible.  Smith now breaks out the universal unifier…

ThatKevinSmith I know how we can settle all this “God Hates” stuff, @meganphelps: you and I smoke some of this amazing Skywalker Kush together, and | we ask Her ourselves. And when She says I’m right, you gotta either a) convert to a less hostile Jesus or b) make out with a chick.

Wow.  What an offer.  Our cameras will be standing by when Smith tells his wife Jen SchwalbachNameIcantSpell “Yeah, Honey.  This 23 year old chick from Kansas is coming out so we can toke up.  Who is she?  She’s the daughter of that crazy preacher that I almost made Res State about.  Oh!  I also promised her she could make out with a chick, so uhm… could you go put on something nicer so she’s be cooler with it?  She’s already against the gay thing, so you’ve got to be smoking for her to get into it.”

While considering Kevin’s let’s get high aand turn you into a dyke proposal, Megan answers a side question:

meganphelps @1938superman “why would God hate ppl He makes?” For the express purpose of destroying you to show His power!

Kevin darts in:

ThatKevinSmith Via @meganphelps “why would God hate ppl He makes? 4 the purpose of destroying you 2 show His power!” Ur saying God’s got small dick issues?

Oh.  Kevin with another dick joke.  That’s pretty soon after his last one.  Should he be pacing himself?  He doesn’t want to tire too fast.

ThatKevinSmith Over on our side, we don’t put hate-signs/placards in your hands @meganphelps; we put one of THESE in your hands: http://tinyurl.com/yfyroqu

meganphelps @ThatKevinSmith Oh, come on! I feel like I’m talking to myself over here. These are LOVE signs! Love isn’t lying 2 ppl & encouraging them

Yes, Megan. Yes it is.  Wait until you get married.

ThatKevinSmith Via @meganphelps “feel like I’m talking to myself” And I feel like a million Jesus-bucks! Know why? ‘cuz I’m lovin’ the fuck outa them fags!

For the record 1 Jesus-Buck = 15 Schrute Bucks.  That brings us to the end of Round 2.  Smith trying to win over Phelps.  Phelps convinced God is making people to crush them to show his power.  Like making mountains and stuff wasn’t powerful enough.

Round 3

Megan is really falling behind.  Its hard to keep describing the ways a kid keeps getting out clevered by a Hollywood superstar.  Let’s hope she can land some punches here to keep it interesting:

meganphelps @ThatKevinSmith on thier path to hell it’s rebuking ppl when they sin! Read Lev. 19:17-18. Oh, & watch this vid! http://tiny.cc/LTNER

Not watching the video.  Going to just assume its her grandpa killing a puppy because it looked at another boy puppy.

meganphelps @ThatKevinSmith You should remind your follower @KCJuGGaLoTus that God hates all workers of iniquity. http://www.twitpic.com/pzyag

To show his testicular fortitude, Smith did NOT tell his follower that.  Way to stand strong!

meganphelps @ThatKevinSmith And again, I say — come ON, man! Catholics? www.PriestsRapeBoys.com !

Phelps lands a blow!  Phelps lands a blow!  He’s bleeding!

ThatKevinSmith Via @meganphelps “Come ON man! Catholics? www.PriestsRapeBoys.com ” You wily minx… Listen, Meg: even a busted clock’s right twice a day.

He’s reeling.

meganphelps @ThatKevinSmith & you just TRY to tell me this isn’t the best video you’ve ever seen: http://tiny.cc/J5SMh I simply wouldn’t believe you!

Again.  Not watching the video.  Going to assume its her grandpa blowing up the set to “Project Runway”.

ThatKevinSmith Via @meganphelps “TRY to tell me this isn’t the best video u’ve ever seen: http://tiny.cc/J5SMh ” You’re a mocker and a scoffer, young lady.

Kevin Smith will be damned if you take another pot shot at “Project Runway”!

There’s the bell.  Smith is enraged.

Round 4

ThatKevinSmith C’mon, @meganphelps. See that sweet kid on the right? http://tinyurl.com/ydchsf6 She may not love fags, but I’ll bet she’s okay with them.

Breaking out the pictures of an innocent Megan Phelps or some poor junior high kid who looks like her.

meganphelps @ThatKevinSmith I DO love fags! According 2 the only standard that matters (the Bible): truth = love; what part of “abomination” is unclear?

There we go.  Smith wins in a knock out!  Megan Phelps loves the homosexual community!  Thanks for providing me with a nice exit!

Kevin Smith called it as well:

ThatKevinSmith And they say I’m just a dick & fart joke hack… I give you my MIRACLE OF CONVERSION! Via @meganphelps “I DO love fags!” Check & mate!

The Aftermath (aka Stuff I haven’t sorted)

The verbal barbs continued between these two combatants for hours!

meganphelps @ThatKevinSmith Ur such a dweeb - we’ve called our pickets “Love Crusades” for yrs! Witness: www.GodHatesFags.com - it’s at the bottom left!

ThatKevinSmith Via @meganphelps “Ur such a dweeb” Look, stop flirting with me. I like you too but I’m married, kid. And fat: like man-boobs/neck-boobs fat.

*****************************

From Kevin:

Aw MAN! @meganPHELPS? Man, I thought I was converting that other hate-tank, Megan FOX. Was all ready to ask what @diablocody is REALLY like.

Via @lalomartins “why is Smith wasting time arguing with an anonymous religious nutjob troll nobody cares about?” Because it’s Tuesday. Duh.

From Megan:

@ThatKevinSmith OK — let’s try the same message in a different form. WBC rap video anyone? =) http://tiny.cc/BFM

@ThatKevinSmith Oh! Speaking of movies, what’s going on with “Red State?”

@ThatKevinSmith & we don’t sell religion. Don’t you know what Peter said 2 Simon in Acts 8? Paraphrased: “U & ur money can both go to Hell!”

@ThatKevinSmith The message IS for every1. Why? So you can OBEY God! Deut. 29:29. I thought you were an atheist (i.e. a fool; see Ps. 1)…

@ThatKevinSmith …but ur seriously pretending to be Christian? You don’t have a clue (or care) what the Bible says, & here’s why:

@ThatKevinSmith “And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their…

@ThatKevinSmith …deeds were evil. For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be

@meganphelps @ThatKevinSmith reproved” Jo 3:19 That’s Jesus explaining ur condemnation.Just put away ur filthy manner of life & obey. Otherwise? No hope.

@ThatKevinSmith Via @meganphelps “put away ur filthy manner of life & obey.” I knew I recognized that ethos… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZEJ4OJTgg8

The Rematch!

Time to start the new decade with a little bigot versus Bob action!  Phelps is bringing the fight to Silent Bob’s home turf in Jersey:

@meganphelps Fag marriage is a fait accompli. Open letter to lying whore false prophets of New Jersey and Doomed America http://bit.ly/6zWUxf

@spidermann @meganphelps Whoa, the Prophets of New Jersey? You talk to Jay & Silent Bob? (@ThatKevinSmith)

@meganphelps @spidermann Yep! And we’re picketing them both in Jersey AND at the March show at the Midland in Kansas City. =) @ThatKevinSmith

@ThatKevinSmith Via @meganphelps “We’re picketing in Jersey AND the March show at the Midland in Kansas City.” Megan, you’ve GOTTA stop flirting with me…

@meganphelps @ThatKevinSmith Oh, I forgot to send this to you! It’s our awesome parody of Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” www.bit.ly/GodHatesGaga You heart it?!

@ThatKevinSmith Hey @meganphelps: solely in an effort to convert you to tolerance/kindness, I think I can talk my wife into a Megan 3some. But no placards.

What if they taped it and sold it?  Can you get turned on by porn if it featured a person you know is horribly evil?  Even if that evil person is pretty darn hot?  Curiosity would obviously be a driving factor in that DVD selling more copies than The Matrix did.  Who wouldn’t want to see Silent Bob giving it to Phelps while she denounces gay people while Silent Bob’s hot wife give Smith the ‘You are sleeping on the couch for a week!” glare?

@meganphelps @ThatKevinSmith Oh, Kevin — put the delusions aside for a minute & LISTEN TO THAT PARODY! You know you want to… =)

@ThatKevinSmith Via @meganphelps “Kevin - put the delusions aside for a minute” I did twenty minutes ago, into a gym sock.

@meganphelps @ThatKevinSmith So with the delusions aside, what d’you think of the awesome mock-ation of @LadyGaga? (1-track mind =)

The Westboro Baptist Church is really going to challenge Weird Al for the parody king title with their “Poker Face” parody.  They replaced “My, my, my, my poker face” with “You got no, no, no, poker face”.  Let’s take a look at those planning sessions:

“<Angry diatribes about God and gay people>  Speaking of things that make my blood boil, have you heard ‘Poker Face’?  She thinks she has one!  Well she doesn’t!”

“I think you’re on to something!  What if we did her song, but said that she doesn’t!  It’ll be brilliantly funny!  Just like the time Sandy told me she was better looking than me and I said ‘No, you’re not’ and then we all laughed like inbred, brain dead morons!”

“Let’s do it!  Oh but hurry!  Project Runway comes on in 20 minutes!  I hope Blayne wins!”

“Oooh!  Me too!”

@meganphelps @kevinccole @ThatKevinSmith has distinguished himself as a God-hating, nasty perv teaching rebellion against His standards. Simple, right?