Ah – some fake O.J., fresh squeezed grapefruit juice, splash of vodka and I’m ready to return to writing articles that no one seems to care about! Mmm-mmm-mmm, another day has begun! It’s been a while, old friends, but let’s take a look at what’s coming through the gizmo in the National Lampoon Newz Room!

OUR HEADLINES:
-Shiloh Jolie Pitt wants to be an Actress ; Yearns to play Dog in Movie
-In Case you Hadn’t Heard: Michael Jackson is Dead
-Kim Kardashian has her Eyes on a TV Documentary; TV Documentary has Eyes on her Gynormous Ass (fears being crushed)
-Tori Spelling’s mother is named Candy Spelling. That is Ridiculous.
-Michael Jackson ; Still Dead
-Sharon Stone Blasts Critics of Topless Photos ; Critics Blast on Topless Photos
-Humanity Slowly Falls Out of Touch With Celebrity Gossip ; Nothing Changes
-Michael Jackson ; Not Alive
and
-Alicia Silverstone Likes Gardening Naked… Says: “It’s the Only Way to Trim A Bush”

WENN HEADLINE OF THE WEEK (so far):
“Chihuahua Wins Big At Latina Culture Awards”
(Possible runner ups include: “Montag Plans Another Boob Job”, “Zellweger’s Pinata Fight”, or possibly: “(Gilles) Marini Dumped From Sex, Heads For Brothers & Sisters”.)

COMMENTARY:

George Hamilton has apparently started injecting stem cells into his body to keep his skin looking young. This caused an uproar, angering morons everywhere! Hamilton has now addressed the  media to explain that the process does not involve human embryos.
The whole debacle was the ideal diversion, allowing Joan Rivers to harvest more delicious babies so that she might ingest them for their life-force.
Speaking of Joan Rivers (aged 76), she’s now been romantically linked to Norm Zada (aged 59), the head of the Perfect 10 soft-porn empire. Frankly, soft is definitely the first word that comes to mind when I think of the two of them having sex.

Oprah Winfrey is planning on shutting down large sections of New York next year because she wants to have a block party for the 10th anniversary of her magazine. I assume she’s doing it in New York rather than Chicago (her home-location) because she wants to fuck with the infrastructure of a city she doesn’t actually care about.
PS. You know your famous when you can shut down parts of New York at will.
PPS. You also know you’re a douche-bag.

Lindsay Lohan’s home has been raided by burglars! The star was left stunned and confused, as, normally, it’s her ass that’s being raided by burglars.
In a funny follow up to my smart ass remark, Lohan’s father’s responded to the situation by saying: “I’m coming to L.A. to get to the bottom of this”.
God, you can’t make this stuff up.

READ ON for more about: the Porn Remake of “The X-Files” that launched a Lawsuit, a scene cut “Bye Bye Birdie” because it feels too “Gang Rape-y”, VH1’s murder-suicide TV-Show, Todd McFarlane makes works scarier than ever by including Dakota Fanning, and Julia Stiles sells homeless man’s “shants” (definition coming up after the break!)

A porn spoof of “The X-Files” is being made (it’s the first porn movie I’ve been waiting for the release of). Unfortunately, Twentieth Century Fox (like the ass clown that they are) have sent the production company, New Sensations, a cease and desist order.  The film was going to be released as “The X-Files: A Dark XXX Parody”; however, studio heads seem to think this infringes on the franchise rights (as they most likely wanted to release a porn version themselves). In order to avoid litigation, New Sensations is considering a name change.
For anyone who was trying to guess: The company chose the new title: “The Sex Files” rather than “The XXX-Files”.

A scene has been cut from a new stage version of “Bye Bye Birdie”. The scene included Gina Gershon’s character flirting with a bunch of men underneath a table at a Shriner’s banquet. Producer’s cut the scene because they thought it was a little too “Gang Rape-y”. Proving, once again, my theory that all people think shriner’s seem like rapists. Something about Fez hats just seems to scream “Uncle McFeely Hands”.

VH1 is considering not airing a reality TV-show (“I love Money 3”) because one of the stars of the show recently murdered his wife then killed himself. At the time that producers first considered pulling the plug, the star (Ryan Jenkins) was being deemed a fugitive killer, most likely hiding from the Police in Canada – however, he has since been found hung in his hotel room. Jenkins was wanted after his wife, Playboy Playmate Jasmine Fiore, was found strangled, stashed in a suitcase (her fingers and teeth removed), and dumped in a garbage can in Buena Park, California – the Good Park.
First of all, I thought Playboy Playmates came in suitcases when you ordered them (God knows they come everywhere else).
Second of all, everything about this story is fucked up – and that’s reality. So I say air the back-story of the show or rename the genre. Again - “I love Money 3”… wow. It’s the American dream in action; who could have seen it coming?
The decision is difficult for VH1 to make as, last week, they pulled their other reality show featuring Ryan, entitled:  “Megan Wants a Millionaire”.

In case anyone wanted their favorite childhood franchise to be destroyed by an annoying, uber-rich, child-star*, Todd McFarlane is going to cast Dakota Fanning in an upcoming sequel to “Wizard of Oz”. Fanning is set to play Dorothy’s grand-daughter.
The choice was made after McFarlane decided to destroy both the franchise and his integrity in one fell swoop.

Julia Stiles has teamed up with a comedy troupe called “The Vacantioners” to create a website poking fun at eco-fashion. The site sells suits made out of newspapers, but their main attraction is a product Stiles created called “Shants”. The design is based on a homeless man Stiles met. The impoverished man had started wearing a shirt as pants. Stiles said the homeless man was “liberated from the conventions of fashion”.
However, when I heard “homeless man” and “shants” in the same sentence, “shirt-pants” was not was I initially thought of. In fact, it was one letter different.

*READ: “annoying little cunt”…

…I’m sorry.

[DISCLAIMER: The author of this article has never met Dakota Fanning and most likely never will. The author has no information proving she is an “annoying little cunt” and she’s most likely a wonderful person – though the author has no factual information to back up that statement either.]