There are many mysteries (READ: “unexplained occurrences/phenomenon”) ingrained the American psyche. The grim, lurking concepts that we fixate and pontificate on as children before they slowly fade back into the shadowy areas of our brain as time goes by. Ranging from humanoid beasts and aliens to urban legends and the theories of conspiracy.
La Chupacabra. The Bermuda Triangle. That woman who went to a bar only to leave finding a pin in her leg, along with a note saying “now you have AIDs”.
For most of us, these are now just fragment of the forgotten confusion and excitement from our childhood. Adults have moved on, fearing the terrifying possibility that they might end up one of the reality scared handful who didn’t give up the investigation, desperately grasping at anything that can provide some form of closure.
Media has sensed this thirst for answers, providing countless televised and publicized glimpses at these unseen spectacles. “Unsolved Mysteries” has gone off the air, but it’s essence lingers. Lots of questions, lots of “facts” – no defined answers.
Well, now it’s our turn. We here at the National Lampoon want the answers. And now; now we’ve got them.

For the passed year, (with generous support of the “Charles Dodgson Foundation”) we have been quietly financing an investigation into the unknown history of the United States. What follows this is an uncensored look into what lies beneath the surface of the American façade.
What follows… is the truth.  Alphabetized.

Read on to hear about: Secret Societies, Ghost Haunting, Alien Sightings, Political Assassinations, Corporate Scandals, Beasts of All Shapes and Sizes – AND - spectacular objects and events from at home and abroad. Each week we shall be flipping through an encyclopedia of the unknown and choosing at random; both telling the truth and exposing the fallacies. Join us as we unmask the true darkness that lays behind the shadows..

WARNING: The content that follows this article is not for the faint of heart or spirit. The truth, unfettered, can leave even the strongest men wrought with paranoia and an unhealthy fear of the outside world. If you have a propensity for locking yourself in room, reading unsupported testimony, case files and analytical pontification for months on end, we advise against pursuing this article past this point for your own safety. However; if you are one of the few citizens left who seeks the truth and can handle it, whatever the cost, we would advise you keep reading… for the safety of everyone around you.

ANSWERS (A – Z)
[CATALOGUE NUMBER : // TITLE]

A#001 : // ALIENS AT AREA-51
Case History :
Television and film would have you believe Area-51 was an experimental test site and/or a large storage warehouse for holding extraterrestrial beings (generally attributed to a poorly documented UFO sighting, and possible landing, in Roswell, New Mexico, during the early 1960’s).
Steven Spielberg, via his underrated documentary “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls”, claimed that the space was a classified back-catalogue of props pertaining to his previous work. He also implies the station may now be the resting place of the mythical “crystal skulls”; non-earthly, cranial-shaped, statues that possess the innate ability to absolutely ruin a film franchise.
The Weekly World News claimed (shortly before it was shutdown in a joint CIA/FBI venture) that the base was now being used as a discotheque for a growing underground of Martian club-kids. The issue has been filed away in our classified, sub-level library; registered as “Exhibit A” for pending libel, fraud and defamations cases – none of which I am at liberty to discuss at the current time.
Debriefing :
In actuality, Area-51 is a no-rules gentlemen’s club, designed by Theodore Roosevelt, where heads of state and industry can satisfy and indulge in their personal fetishes without fear of judgment or media scrutiny.
The idea came about mostly because of certain rituals that are engaged in by member of the Skull and Bones club (an ancient secret society to which many Presidents of the past have been members). Part of the societies initiation includes getting into a casket and retelling your entire sexual history to a random group of men who are allowed to spit and urinate on you as you do it. Over time, many members noticed their most intimate sexual preferences were often similar, though scorned by society. They bonded similarly over their shared interests as they urinated, together, on their consenting new initiates. Rather than change society to except their idiosyncrasies; the men decided to create a secure compound where they could pursue their interests in private.
The buildings therein are populated by a top squad of federally employed prostitutes and strippers. Each lady (or man) is recruited for their to unique personality profiles, and allowed entrance only after the completion of rigorous surveillance and training sessions. The process is quite similar to covert methods that were popularly utilized to locate, hire and train assassins during the early stages of the Cold War (before the technological revolution and Steve Jobs’ “retirement” to design/create a robotic murdering machine now simply referred to as the “iKill”).
Studies and theoretical research have lead us to believe that around 35-47% of sex-workers reported missing are currently alive and well, keeping our country safe from the terrors of a horny civil-servant. As far at the rest of the demographic, 50% are simply dead, and the remaining 3-15% are most likely buried in the Kennedy compound.
The idea that Alien tourists would travel the universe looking to learn only to make a pit-stop in New Mexico is, as many have repeatedly stated, completely ridiculous. Though an intergalactic tour-bus once crashed in Oregon, the only stayed long enough to duct-tape a crack in their coolant tank and buy disposable cameras and a key-chain that simply had a picture of Larry the Cable Guy farting.

B#001 : // BIGFOOT
Case History :
After longs days of hiking, many weary travelers have claimed that they spotted the hairy beast known as “Bigfoot”. Visual description vaguely correspond to depict and image of a tall, hairy beast with large feet; who, unlike a simple ape, can walk upright.
This was most famously brought to the public by the show “Harry and the Henderson” (the title of which is a clever piece of word place based around the, reportedly, furry nature of this “creature”). In the recent past, a man released photographs of what he claimed to be the (hypothesized) mammal’s corpse. Upon investigation, it was later revealed that the photo was simply a gorilla suit filled with various entrails.
Debriefing :
Donald “Dropper” Feldman was a self-proclaimed “wanderer” with a reputation for taking large doses of LSD. One day in early 1973, saddened by the decline of “Free Love” movement, of which he had been and integral part (claiming to be the first person who suggested that sitting in a mud puddle doing nothing could work as a method to stop the Vietnam war), Donald simply wandered off into the forest.
Equipped with nothing but a black-light poster, and acoustic guitar and a cooler full of Owsley acid, “Dropper” Feldman spent the next couple years wandering on foot from wooded pasture to wooded pasture. As is often the case when humans don’t regularly groom of visit barbers, Feldman’s hair grew longer and longer. With no human contact (and far too much acid), Donald completely forgot how to speak English.
Slowly, the fabrics of his clothes deteriorated. Once the acid ran out, Donald left the cooler behind, pinned the black-light poster to a tree (deciding the inhabiting owls would really like the Hendrix Experience) and then used the acoustic guitar to kill a cougar (having exhausted the fun of using it to hit pinecones and starting lose his grasp on the concept of sports all-together). Donald was now possession-less and at one with the truest ways of the world, walking naked in a forest arguing with squirrel through a form of communication that the squirrels did not understand and found deeply disturbing.
Living an all-natural, organic lifestyle prolonged the effects of the aging process on Donald’s body, and his opposable thumbs gave him a competitive, evolutionary advantage in the world of animals, allowing him to survive successfully on his own.
Though Donald attempts to avoid the world of men, every so often he finds himself in close proximity to the humans and, occasionally, he is spotted - even photographed.
Luckily for Donald’s humble existence, most hikers and naturists who make it deep enough into the jungle to find him, are usually inept (unable to follow simple maps or operate a camera well enough to yield a final product that is anything short of “blurry”).

C#001 : // CLOONEY, GEORGE
Case History :
The actor, known to the public as “George Clooney”, rose to prominence during the early 1990s. Clooney gained public recognition during a period that historians of conspiracy often refer to as “The Great Crisis of Faith”. He starred in many popular films and on television and is often recognized as one of the most charming men in the world. Almost too charming.
Debriefing :
George’s extreme charm factor has a very simply explanation. In the fewest possible words: George Clooney is a cyborg.
However, to understand the whole picture, one must look at the history of entertainment; in particular, television.
By late 1992, the levee was breaking on the viewing public’s willingness to invest emotionally in the actor’s they saw on their home entertainment units. It was a disturbing change that had slowly been growing problematic for the government ever since the 1970’s. With the invention of television, the ruling few had opened a door to a whole new form of mind-control. All across the globe, industrialized nations began using the device to instill their values on the general public through “clever” programming, intriguing stars and subliminal messages. However, as television aged, the viewers became disenchanted with the shows and stars and less susceptible to the messages that were being conveyed.
The first roadblock in “Project Couch Potato” (as it was secretly referred to) came in the late 1960s. The youth of the nation began to reject the mainstream, including their entertainment. Luckily for the man, the “hippie” movement was poorly constructed and lacked the long-view and discipline necessary to self-contain their way of life, collapsing internally as a result. Over the next decade, “The Man” (See: M#001 ; “Man, The”) was able to work their way back from this setback and once again maintain stable levels of televised-control. But, by the mid-80s, public interest in mass broadcasting was again beginning to dwindle as people lost interest in the repetitive nature of it’s programs. After a large meeting, “The Man” formulated plans to reinvigorate interest in TV. By switching their focus from content to over-all style, they were able to create “programs” that preyed on the most basic instincts of man. Through their connections within the contemporary “entertainment” industry of the time, “The Man” began speeding up video editing, adding more popular music and casting actors for their visual appeal rather than acting talent. This new form of production was given the name “MTV-style”.
At first, the “MTV-style” was successful. The quick-paced visuals and catchy audio was able to grab the public, distracting them with one shiny, loud image after another. The content kept changing at such a quick pace that the public never had time to realize their was absolutely nothing of interest happening underneath them. This work form approximately 5-7 years; however, “The Man” failed to predict that the next generation would adapt rapidly, learning to process information at a much quicker rate. Understanding that further increasing the speed gradually over time would eventually lead to nothing more than a flickering box in people’s living rooms, “The Man” was forced to re-evaluate.
This is when Clooney (as we know him) was created. Government researchers realized that humans would always maintain a personal interest in figures that they believe they “like”. And so, “The Man” went about creating George Clooney (Prototype A of the “Cybernetic Entertainer”); an actor so charming that no person could avoid being drawn towards him. However, first, their scientists needed to locate a prototype. George Clooney (pre-1990s) we quickly pinpointed for his ability to single-handedly hold the audience’s attention during the film “Return of the Killer Tomatoes”. Clooney was then kidnapped and reproduced using advance robotics technology. “E.R.” was created to test the new creation. The project went off without a hitch and changed the face of media forever, driving the public into a new era of personality driven entertainment.
The invention of the Clooney prototype and those that came after him insured the continued success of televised mind-control.

G#001 : // GHOST HAUNTING
Case History :
For hundreds of years people have reported sighting of ghosts. People who have died, come back – generally to haunt or to help. We’re not talking about visions in a dream after the funeral, but full on, visceral interaction with the spirit world.
In England, the Tower of London has, for years, made money offering tours of the gruesome bedrooms and hallways where many a wrong nobleman or falsely executed commoner have reportedly walked – money that was then reinvested in enhancing the tours and improving upon the experience of places where beings have defied the laws of death.
In Chicago, the ghosts of Resurrection Mary and Capone’s victims have been spotted walking down the street. In Las Angeles, ghosts haunt the cellar of the Comedy Studio (previously a seedy nightclub) where many tawdry types have gotten inebriated and acted unconscionable. In Boston, until recently, ghosts haunted their baseball field.
All across America, television cameras have documented accounts of hauntings; accounts given by citizens just like you, who read and engage in speculation of the unknown. Accounts of doors and floorboards creaking without the presence of pressure or assistance from any human contact. Accounts of doors and windows opening and closing on their own. Accounts of burns and sensations experience as if by the presence of some unidentifiable source (be it heavenly or demonic) – and, again, doors. These stories have been documented, their subjects paid, and the tapes fact checked and sent out across the airwaves. However vague, the facts and stories of these people have been researched – and yet there is no definitive answer to the question they pose.
Debriefing :
There are a number of forces at work when it comes to the subject of haunting. Most known cases have been documented or explored on film to some extent – most notably by the show “Unsolved Mysteries” (which we are not sponsored by, but still would not turn down money or participation from). To properly understand this issue, one must look at the separate factors at play.
1.)    The Hillbilly Factor :: Many of the people making these claims are, what one would technically call, “Rednecks”. The sect of creatures has very unique tendencies (not limited to mad dog ownership, unnecessary gun expulsion and a proclivity to moonshine, and both the consumption and production thereof). Of the lesser-publicized traits that have appeared often occurring in members of this demographic, is an interest in gaining exposure by any means possible (be it respectable or not). Though it wouldn’t seem logical from our, normal perspectives, similar behavior has often been exhibited by humans from various walk of life, most commonly: the “Celebrity on the way Out”. It is thought that the interest of those around these individuals is often misconstrued (by both parties) for acceptance, which makes the individual feel more comfortable in their surroundings.
2.)    The Meth Factor :: Many families who claim to have witnessed terrifying ghost encounters claim similar symptoms (including burns by unknown sources, noises in their home and feelings of another presence around you). They also generally share another similar factor – having just purchased a new home. The family is generally buying a home for cheap, something in an OK, not too crowded neighborhood but not a location where the rent is too steep. This is also the ideal location for a meth lab. The symptoms of burns, house noises and the feeling of another presence around you can all be explained by the residual effects of cooking methamphetamines in a house prior to it’s purchase. The chemical byproducts created in that form of narcotic development will cause skin irritation, burning sensations and enough paranoia to join a cult in Clearwater, Florida. They also cause structural damage to the house; often causing noises.
3.)    The Shadows Factor :: Another “fact” often reported in ghost sighting is strange shapes that resemble figures. This can be attributed to a much more interesting fact than factors 1 & 2. It’s a little known fact that a group called the Shadow Puppets Legion has been practicing mass misdirection for years. The organization keep themselves completely unknown, so that they might continue their practice – a practice of casting shadow puppet figures onto the walls of everyday civilians. Their reason? To encourage a fear of ghosts in order to draw attention away from themselves.

M#001 : // MAN, THE
Case History :
For years, major inconsistencies in the order of the world have been attributed to “the Man”. This anonymous presence has been attributed to the prohibition on drugs, the censorship of art, and the class struggles of countless human beings. Though the Man’s presence is widely accepted, few can pinpoint it’s exact presence, location or intent.
Debriefing :
The Man is an international society, dedicating to maintaining control over the individual so as to keep power in the hands of the wealthy few that they deem superior. Their main goal is to segregate and isolate those that disagree with their beliefs and, at the same time, unify/recruit those who possess the will to follow but lack the insight to question - ideal candidates for worker drone status.
The organization was fully realized shortly before the formation of United Nations, which operates as their public face but maintains very little actual control over global events.  “The Man” is comprised of fifteen members (all male); one rep. from each of the five richest corporate entities in the world, and one rep. for each of the ten most powerful nations across the globe. When a member dies, their replacement is selected, instructed on their duty and then brought up to the top-status in the nation/company through carefully orchestrated elections and meetings which are played off in the public view as legitimate processes.
The personal agendas of each member generally coincide (limiting argument or debate); however, in the event of a policy dispute, members compete against one another in a three-part problem-solving activity known as the gauntlet.
-The First Competition: one member from either side of the conflict is elected to measure penises against his opposite counterpart. The largest member wins (taking both girth and length into account).
-The Second Competition: A member from either side is selected to arm-wrestle the other.
-Tie Breaker: If the first and second competitions fail to indicate a winning side, the “Circle Jerk Contingency” comes into effect; whereby all members on either side have to masturbate onto a cookie. The side containing the last member to ejaculate loses the conflict and are forced to equally divide and ingest the jizz-ladened pastry.
This process maintains a healthy-balance in global policy.
(For more information about “The Man” including their known practices, See: “M#002 ; Moon Landing, The” and “C#001 ; Clooney, George”.)

M#002 : // MOON LANDING, THE
Case History :
The “Moon Landing” was broadcast to over 500 million people on July 20th, 1969; this is understood to be the date when Neil Armstrong was supposedly the first person to put his foot on the moon. It was the end of a long race between many nations of the world to see who could get their space program to reach the moon first (most notably: the United States and what used to be The Soviet Union). The first nation to reach another planet would look the most powerful in the view of the public.
Debriefing :
It’s a widely known fact that the “Moon Landing” footage was filmed in a warehouse in Indiana. However, the logic behind that is lesser understood. An organization, known as “The Man” (see: “M#001 ; Man, The”), orchestrated the entire situation. Representing the heads of the world and the head of industry, The Man thought it would be best for everyone involved if the citizens believe humanity was capable of making it to other planets. Also, the cost of the “Space Race” was greatly impacting the economies of many member nations; causing them to reallocate fund away from the military, which in turn affected everyone’s personal income. With that in mind, The Man set-up, filmed and broadcast a fake moon landing. This is the truth; though many have been saying it for years, it is actually one of the many “rumors” that has turned out to be entirely accurate.
A lesser-known piece of trivia, however, is that Neil Armstrong and the rest of the astronauts did not know the footage was faked. They were all told they were actually going to the moon, and put through a simulation of the voyage. In fact, none of them accepted cash for their part, instead accepting a separate offer stating: when man colonized the moon, they would each be able to rule a separate nation there (with a sub-clause that each all got to name their nation individually).

Tune in Next week for more facts and truth, with another installment of “The Truth About Crop Circles”!!!