There are many mysteries (READ: “unexplained occurrences/phenomenon”) ingrained in the American psyche.  For the past year, (with generous support of the “Charles Dodgson Foundation”) we at the National Lampoon have been quietly financing an investigation into the hidden history of the United States. What follows this is an uncensored look into what lies beneath the surface of the American facade.
What follows is the truth.
Alphabetized.

Read on to hear about: Secret Societies, Ghost Haunting, Alien Sightings, Political Assassinations, Corporate Scandals, Beasts of All Shapes and Sizes. Join us as we unmask the true darkness that lays behind the shadows.

Vol. 2 uncovers the truth behind:
The Bermuda Triangle, The DuPont Corporate-Family Entity, The Freemasons, Adolf Hitler, Jimmy Carter and the War on Drugs.

WARNING: The content that follows this article is not for the faint of heart or spirit. It takes a look behind a curtain that separates us from the other side of the mirror. Looking into this distorted reality might cause you to see yourself and your world in a new perspective – a terrifying reflection of the truth behind reality. If you’re fearful; turn back now. But if you’re one of those that must peer into this shadowy world – read on, for your own safety.

ANSWERS (A – Z)
[CATALOGUE NUMBER : // TITLE]

B#002 : // BERMUDA TRIANGLE
Case History :
Most of the public know the Bermuda Triangle (also referred to as the “Devil’s Triangle”) as a section of water located in the western part of the North Atlantic. It’s rumored that the area possesses some form of paranormal powers that defy the laws of the physical world. The location has been reportedly involved in many mysterious disappearances, including the loss of Flight 19 (a series of US Navy TBM Avengers) in 1945 and the sinking of the USS Cyclops in 1918.
Debriefing :
The “Bermuda Triangle” is not, in fact, a region or the name of a geographic location. In actuality, it’s a real triangle. During the mid 1700s an explorer by the name of Ponce de Granolo set sail from his home in the town of Quiche, a quaint community located just outside of what is now France (famous for originating the cheese pie, a delicacy that later name after the town – the town having been named many years earlier).
When Ponce left her intended to make it to China with no map. After three weeks, Granolo and his men were horribly lost. Eventually, they landed on an island – a mystical island (unfortunately, it was two weeks after they had resorted to cannibalism). The remaining sailors, blood-soaked and fatigued, began to explore the island. The first scare was the discovery of polar bears, roaming at will on the island. The men were terrified, but their adventure had just begun.
After an exploration of the deeper back-story to their new location, the men settled down, forming communities. And, at first, everything was happy and the men lived peaceful lives. However, after a few months, the sailors became very aware of a lack of female presence – which lead to a stagnant sexual angst, slowly riling the men into a horny fury. Eventually, fights and mass rapings broke out. When the men settled, they decided the must find away to avoid raping one another. This is when “the Triangle” was created.
“The Triangle” was constructed of a mixture of bamboo framework, pig intestines and a the lining of a lamb’s anal cavity. Though the device was horrifying to the eyes, when a man’s phallus was inserted, the pleasure received was enormous.
In fact, “The Triangle” was so effective in it’s ability to give pleasure that the men began to fight (and rape) one another over rights to it’s possession. Once those disputes settled, the men, all soar and bruised, came to the realization that the device must be destroyed. And so, the men elected a crew member to swim out to sea (as far as possible) and dispose of “the Triangle”. And so, the triangle came to rest at the bottom of the sea; as did the crew member who delivered it.
But the dark aura and power of “the Triangle” was not destroyed – neigh, in fact, it was strengthened by it’s abandonment. And so, the curse lingers, somewhere out in the middle of the ocean. Though almost all government agencies have, for years, attempted to retrieve and harness the power of “the Triangle”, all vessels sent to find it have been lost - their whereabouts remain unknown.]

D#001 : // DU PONT, CORPORATE-FAMILY ENTITY
Case History :
The DuPont Company was founded in 1802. Since it’s creation, the chemical company has been involved in several major socio-political controversies and many of the events that shaped the face of our nation (some might say for the worse). The DuPont history includes:
-Encouraging the illegalization of marijuana (in order to eliminate hemp as a threat to their monopoly on the fiber market).
-Creating CFC (Chlorofluorocarbons) along with General Motors. The chemicals are known to damage the earth’s atmosphere, harming the ozone layer.
-Price fixing on international oils during 1941 (though the investigation was dropped when National efforts were redirected towards World War Two).
Debriefing :
The DuPonts (French for: “to punt”) are a family who’s lineages can be traced all the way back to Marcus Nero DuPont, a French-Roman philosopher, famous for his statement: “kicking a man when he’s down reminds everyone else not to fall down” (originally published in his thesis “The Heel of a Nation”).
Marcus DuPont fathered twenty three children with his wife Bunny Heller DuPont (Queen of the Anglo-Saxons), of which seven survived un-stepped on. Marcus believed the un-flatten children were the strongest. DuPont raised them in his shadows and promised to deliver the world to them as long as they would uphold his philosophical view-point and spread his motto by pummeling the minorities of the world for as long as possibly.
For the next many centuries, the offspring of DuPont carried out their grandfather’s wishes. They moved across the world, eventually settling in America – where they knew they could easily find vessels to carry out their dirty work. They produced ammunition for guns and parts for cars, eventually moving on to their crowning glory - building chemical factories. All of this was done, huge feats accomplished with the intent of stuffing the general public under their heel and pressing down.

F#001 : // FREEMASONS, THE
Case History :
The Freemasons are a fraternal order (kept relatively secretive) with roots extending back to the late 1600’s and early 1700’s. The organization is thought to be extremely influential on politics to a large degree. The group exists in many towns across the world, with separate, self-governing “lodges” in each town. They are often accused of international conspiracy and various, strange religious/pagan activities (similar to the film “Wicker Man” but with fewer Scots).
The Masons have an estimated membership of 5 million people; often upstanding citizens in the community.  Though membership is kept a secret, it’s claimed that some of the more famous Freemasons have included: Bud Abbott (of Abbott & Costello), John Wayne and Buzz Aldrin (among many others).
A significant number of U.S. Presidents have also been (reportedly) known members, including: James Buchanan, Gerald Ford, James Garfield, Warren G. Harding, Andrew Jackson, Andrew Johnson, William McKinley, James Monroe, James Polk, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Theodore Roosevelt, William Taft, Harry S. Truman and George Washington.
Debriefing :
The organization is real. The masons are comprised of local figures of prominence who meet monthly to discuss the success of local businesses and play corn-hole. They also serve a wide variety of cheeses.

H#001 : // HITLER, ADOLF
Case History :
Adolf Hitler was the leader of the National Socialist party (the Nazi’s) and ruled of Germany from 1933-1945. In an attempt to unify the “Aryan Nation” and take over the world he started a war known as “World War Two”. He was responsible for genocide of approximately 17 million people; including the murder of 6 million jews. He was also a shitty artist.
It is thought that he committed suicide in a bunker, along with his wife Eva Braun, two days after Germany fell to ally forces in 1945.
Debriefing :
Not really dead. Hitler is living as a baker in the heart of Jerusalem, where no one would expect him to be living. Adolf feels that the collapse of the German National-Socialist Party was a good thing, having given him back his free time to pursue his real interest – making bunt-cakes.
Hitler has sense given up his racist, Aryans ways. The last time he engaged in an act of persecution was 1989, when Adolf purchased and spit on a latke. He found the act to be hollow feeling. Since his disappearance he has come to grips with his mommy issues.

J#001 : // JIMMY CARTER [File Under: Jimmy, for Jimmy Prototype Beta, or JP-V.2]
Case History :
Jimmy Carter was the 39th President of the United States of America. He was known for his folksy charm. Hunter S. Thompson helped to make him famous after he heard him quote “Maggie’s Farm” (by Bob Dylan) at a press junket. He was elected in 1977.
Carter had many accomplishments during his time as President. Among his most notable achievements were:
-Negotiating the return of the Panama Canal to Panama.
-Creating the Department of Energy and the Department of Education.
-Negotiating a peace treaty between Israel and Egypt.
He only served on term as President, however, he was not assassinated and is still alive (as of July 1st, 2009).
Debriefing :
“Carter” reserved entirely for information about the, yet-to-happen, assassination/murder/suicide of rapper Lil’ Wayne. “Wayne” reserved entirely for information about the John Wayne conspiracy, explaining the mechanics of the man’s charisma (for more information on famous cyborgs, see: “C#001 ; Clooney, George”.)
The JP-V.2 pre-dates the George Clooney model cyborg by many years. The Jimmy Carter that was elected was actually the second model of the Jimmy Prototype designed in the political cyborg program.
It was created to appeal to, but weaken, the political left. He was ingrained with an understanding and knowledge of contemporary pop-culture, including song lyrics and slang, popular with the youth of the time. Unfortunately for his followers, his political strategies were all designed with planned obsolescence and built in self-destruct modes, should any of the policies succeed too well within their given lifespan. Now that the model has outlived it immediate usefulness, it has reverted to it’s secondary program; hiding out only to emerge at times of turmoil and add more confusion to the fray.

W#001 : // WAR ON DRUGS
Case History :
The “War on Drugs” is a campaign designed to solidify the prohibition of narcotics within the United States. The goal, as stated publicly, is to reduce or eliminate the illegal drug trade. The term was first used by Richard Nixon in 1969 (based off of Lyndon Johnson’s “War on Poverty”) and later adopted by many politician, specifically those of the conservative persuasion.
The “war” included troop movements against trafficking in Colombia, Afghanistan and Mexico (among other regions). In 1986 two reporters uncovered information that indicated affiliates of the CIA and the Reagan-Bush Administration had been financing the purchase of arms with cash generated by the sales of cocaine and using U.S. resources to smuggle narcotics internationally.
Debriefing :
Reagan knew that a “war on drugs” would galvanize drug-users and anti-Reaganists in general, pushing them to buy more and more drugs simply to spite him. This fact might not seem logical according to the Presidents statement on the subject of narcotics; however, records indicate that right before he announced the “war”, Ronald invested heavily in various Columbian, Afghani and Dutch cartels. The money was carefully laundered through off-shore accounts and phony charities.
Financing the very organizations he claimed to fight (with a high rate of return), Reagan managed to profit from both sides of the conflict. Later, the CIA-Contra Scandal was conceived and executed by a think tank comprised of various government protection agencies in order to focus blame and distract the public as they withdraw all their funding.

Tune in Next week for more facts and truth, with another installment of “The Truth About Crop Circles”!!!