There are many mysteries (READ: “unexplained occurrences/phenomenon”) ingrained the American psyche.  For the passed year, (with generous support of the “Charles Dodgson Foundation”) we at the National Lampoon have been quietly financing an investigation into the hidden history of the United States. What follows this is an uncensored look into what lies beneath the surface of the American façade.
What follows… is the truth.
Alphabetized.

Read on to hear about: Secret Societies, Ghost Haunting, Alien Sightings, Political Assassinations, Corporate Scandals, Beasts of All Shapes and Sizes. Join us as we unmask the true darkness that lays behind the shadows.

Vol. 3 uncovers the truth behind the subjects of:
Blackwater, Bush-Gore Election, La Chupacabra, Lost (the television show) and Yogurt.

WARNING: The content that follows this article is not for the faint of heart or spirit. It takes a look behind a curtain that separates us from the other side of the mirror. Looking into this distorted reality might cause you to see yourself and your world in a new perspective – a terrifying reflection of the truth behind reality. If you’re fearful; turn back now. But if you’re one of those that must peer into this shadowy world – read on, for your own safety.

ANSWERS (A – Z)
[CATALOGUE NUMBER : // TITLE]

B#002 : // BLACKWATER
Case History :
Blackwater is the historical name of the “Xe” corporation (as of 2009). They train operatives and security personnel, generally ex-military, to operate as a private unit carrying out government contracts and missionary work. It has been hypothesized that their work is used to redirect liability away from the federal government while carrying out task, like torture, that have been made illegal by various well known international treaties, including those made in the Geneva Convention.
Blackwater/Xe, along with the School of the Americas, is responsible for training foreign agents in “counter-terrorism” in order to deal with “insurgencies”. The practice often involves practices, the description of which, are quite parallel to the definition of torture (in their nature and practice).
Operatives from these agencies are often called “mercenaries”, though reps from each group deny this claim.
Debriefing :
In reality, like the Freemasons, they simply gather together and eat cheese; however, Blackwater conduct far more orgies.

B#003 : // BUSH-GORE ELECTION IN 2000
Case History :
The 2000 election saw the nomination of George W. Bush (Rep.) and Al Gore (Dem.). The outcome of the elections was contested after the Fox News Network called the election early before all the results were counted. It is often claimed that the Bush campaign stole the election rather than won. The case was settled in the Supreme Court in favor of Bush on December 12th, 2000.
Debriefing :
The democratic party actually rigged the election. The chose Al Gore, an unlikable candidate with relatively ineffectual debate tactics (as well as rigging the ballot and instructing the elderly to vote in correctly) so that the people would elect George Bush (a strategy repeated in 2004).
Though it doesn’t make send initially, the Democrats knew that if Bush was elected, especially for two terms, that the Nation would be so negatively affected and damaged by his presences, their voters would elect candidates from their party for years to come.
The sabotage of the election went unnoticed, as the public never expected one side to sabotage their own representatives. However, the plan has proven to be largely successful over time.

C#002 : // CHUPACABRA, LA
Case History :
La Chupacabra translates to “the goat eater”; however, it is often used synonymously to mean “the child eater”. The animal (a monster according to folklore) will appear in the night, tearing apart and ravaging livestock or wildlife, even attacks on humans have been reported. Most accounts of this creature originate from Latin America, with rare occurrences (read: similar circumstances) reported in other areas of the world. Most sighting take place in rural areas, often farms.
Many people have reported sighting of the creature roaming or even, as is often the case, in the middle of feeding on it’s prey. Visual descriptions are all approximately the same; a creature with four legs, larger than most feral dogs, with patches of base, diseased skin and spiky ridges running along it’s back and other areas.
Researchers and experts in the field of South American cattle murder (in fact, professionals who study the slaughter of a wide variety of organisms) have been examining the situation for years. Though findings are inconclusive, the general consensus seems to be a natural one. Visually, when simplified, the image of La Chupacabra closely resembles feral canines infected with mange. The disease is common in the species, and causes the animals to lose their hair, creating patches is spiky, unkempt hair. Rabid, wild canines have been known to attack farm animals, and when coupled with a disfiguring medical condition, could easily appear as a terrifying monster.
Debriefing :
The truth about La Chupacabra is an interesting predicament. For the most part, mange-ridden wild scavengers are to blame for the attacks; however, they are not the only beast at work. As far as we know, at least three of the reported attacks have a much more familiar perpetrator.
Ted Kennedy.
To fully understand this situation, we must go back track the progress of major factor that lead up to it. At an unknown date, do to understandable stress brought on by family issues, Senator Kennedy was prescribed certain cutting edge drugs. The drugs worked immediately to remedy depression, however, they were still in a testing stage. After further testing, the long-term effects quickly became apparent; but it was too late, Kennedy had already taken the pills.
Subjects who participate in the trial studies began to experience strange side-effects; they began to change. Every once in a while, at untraceable intervals, the people began to change. Their bones stretched, nails extending in length, and coarse hair grew out of their skin. The participants would begin experiencing extreme chemical imbalances in their brain, causing them to go into fits of rage. Doctors diagnosed the illness as “werewolf-esque”. One highly trained professional went on record to say “I have no idea what the fuck is going on. Really. I nearly shit my pants.”
So, for several decades now, the Senator has been suffering from this affliction. Measures have been take to secure the politicians during his breakouts; however, on several occasions, Ted has got free.
Each incident happens in the same way. Upon escaping, Ted Kennedy begins to run south, his instincts taking over more and more each minute. As a result of his strict  upbringing, professional training and mounting stress, Kennedy reacted more strongly to his regression. Once he is across the boarder, Ted exhibits a pavlovian response to leaving United State federal jurisdiction and goes into a rage, furiously breaking every societal taboo known to man. Feeling free from the weight of societies judgment and losing touch with self-perception more and more by the minute, the Senator roams the whole continent of South America, performing acts so unspeakable that we here at the National Lampoon are the only publication capable of running them. Because we have integrity.
Though we have no conclusive evidence, some actions that Kennedy reportedly committed while in his altered state include:
Indecent exposure, goat mutilation, slapping of the town baker (an offence punishable by death in some Guatemalan villages), cattle aggregation, public masturbation, male menstruation and what could only be describe as anal exploration.
Though the Senator does go mad and is quite volatile, he has not harmed anyone at any point. It is our opinion that Mr. Kennedy’s actions while in this state seem to be more inspired by curiosity than malice.
Unfortunately, due to Mr. Kennedy’s death in August of 2009, we will never know the truth. May his soul rest in peace.

L#002 : // LOST (TELEVISION SHOW)
Case History :
An ABC drama, created by Jeffrey Lieber, JJ Abrams and Damon Lindelof. The show revolves around the passengers on Oceanic Flight 815, who crash land on a desert island with mystical powers.
Debriefing:
The show Lost secretly operates as a subliminal mind control device. The show is designed to instigate the current generation with situational know-how. The program, however, does not adapt children to surviving on an island alone (as it would seem), but rather teaches them to make up bullshit and contrive stories to fit into the image of reality they hope to portray.
The show is part of a secret movement to create an elite army of lawyers; which will one day be trigger by the government (through telepathy or broadcasting) sending the new generation of super-lawyers on a litigating spree the like of which one could hardly imagine.

Y#001 : // YOGURT
Case History :
A “healthy” food-product created from bacterial fermented milk. Yogurt is rich in protein, calcium, riboflavin, vitamin B6 and vitamin B12. Yogurt can be processed by those who are lactose-intolerant. It is also rumored to promote weight lose and digestion.
Debriefing :
The reality of the situation is that the entire theory “healthy bacteria” is a myth created by the yogurt industry so that they can convince people ingesting milk infused with millions of tiny organisms would could actually be a good idea. Frankly, it’s a big-scale, cheap joke.