Tips to Make It Through The Holidays (Alive)

Tip #1: Steer Clear of Walmart

A Walmart store greeter was trampled to death early Friday morning at a Long Island store when thousands of suburbanites crushed the pre-dawn doors to buy things like the Britney Spears Fantasy for Women Bath and Bodywash Gift Set. Equally gross sad amid the mêlée was a pregnant woman who miscarried. Experts predict that more customers will stampede Walmart stores given that Brit’s new album, Circus, goes on sale at the retail chain’s 3,800 locations on December 2.

Tip #2: Purchase Your Copy of Britney Spears’ Circus Online and Not from Your Local Walmart.

Don’t even go to a distant Walmart to buy this thing. Just shop online for Brit’s new beats. This simple act will save your mother from having to I.D. your remains at the morgue where she’ll see firsthand the carnage of what 2,000 Crocs can do to (what was) a face that only ’she’ loved. Sure, the entire fam will miss you but deep down they will never forgive your sorry ass for putting a damper on every holiday season to come.

Tip #3: Hit the NYC Club Scene

Now that NY Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress accidentally shot himself in the leg at a city hotspot over the weekend, odds are there won’t be much gunplay in Manhattan for a while. The last time we saw such mad skills on the dance floor was in December 1999, when Diddy and fellow rapper Shyne got caught-up in a shooting at another NYC club. Diddy walked and Shyne got popped. Dude’s still serving his 10-year conviction at Woodbourne Correctional Facility. Ballin’.

Tip #4: Do Not Carpool with Nick Hogan

For a guy who ‘earned’ a Formula D competition license to compete in drift events, Nick Hogan drives in the same manner which he rides a coattail: like a shameless female canine. Who else in their right mind gets pulled over multiple times for excessive speeding then brags about it in a magazine interview? Come to think of it, guys who leave their passengers in vegetative states are known to do that, so sorry, I stand corrected. Still though, if a hard-on in a rebuilt yellow Supra offers you a ride, enter at your own risk.

Tip #5: No Matter What You Do, Avoid Comparing a Somali Pirate to Capt. Barbossa

Somali buccaneers do not swashbuckle nor charm their way into history. Instead, they smoke huge amounts of weed, overtake oil tankers and yachts alike and slit every throat they can find. And if that doesn’t get them their ransom they’ll simply off hostages with RPGs and heave what’s left of the carcasses into the Gulf of Aden. But what really pisses-off a Somali Pirate, if you’re curious, is when they are told they look absolutely nothing like Geoffrey Rush in near drag.