Wow.  Oscar nominee, Joaquin Phoenix, best known for his portrayal of Johnny Cash in Walk the Line, has turned himself into Ron Burgundy after getting fired, then tried rapping.

It feels like it should be natural to make fun of this spectacle. You think the jokes would just flow when making fun of Joaquin Phoenix using his non-existent rapping skills to hype up a crowd, but then my conscience kicked in.  I just felt like I was be picking on the helpless.  Like laughing at a person with no hands trying to use chopsticks.  Just something decent people shouldn’t do.

It was all capped off with him falling off stage:

And he quit acting… for that… I find it baffling that he didn’t have time to act AND jump around and fall off of stages.

Maybe he did this due to jealousy that everyone was paying attention to that Barack guy.  Maybe Ashton Kutcher is waiting around the corner to laugh at us all for believing this is real.  Maybe he just heard “Crank That Soul’ja Boy” and thought “If he has can have that much success without any rapping ability, maybe I can, too.” Regardless of the reason, you have to wonder how someone so successful can be so blissfully unaware of how they are coming across.  I believe that somewhere along the way, some low level PA’s on the set of Walk The Line were ranting to the Phoenix about how musically inclined he was.  Taking their brown-nosing for a genuine compliment, he starts doing simple Joaquin calculations.  It takes me months to film a movie, but only about half an hour to write a crappy rap song and five minutes to sing it!  Screw this film career!  Here comes Lil’ Phoenix J!

And Ben Affleck’s little brother is documenting the whole thing.  It will be interesting to see just how he edits it and if there are any asides like “And I thought Ben marrying J-Lo was a bad idea!”  Does he ever try to hype him up by calling him Joaquin Shakur, just to see how hard he can fall?  Could this documentary be funnier than This is Spinal Tap?  When Joaquin finally hits rock bottom after he loses an impromptu Rap Battle at a local Junior High, will Casey Affleck have the camera rolling when he begs Casey to get him into Ocean’s 15?  Suggested title ideas:

• Bad Idea: The Joaquin Phoenix Story
• Gangsta CRap: The Joaquin Phoenix Story
• From Gladiator to The Gutter: The Long Tragic Fall of Joaquin Phoenix
• Watch All Of The Dumb Shit Joaquin Did by Casey Affleck
• This is Joaquin Rap
• From Tupac to Joaquin: All Rappers Ever from Best to Worst
• You’re Only Renting This To See Just How Hard Joaquin Falls And You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself
• Joaquin Rap Documentary: Still Better Than The VIllage
  

I’m getting ahead of myself.  This column should be determining what place Joaquin’s place in history and what this means now.  With upcoming songs like “Polish My Oscar”, “My Beard Don’t Got No Bugs” and “(Career) Free Fallin’”, where does he rank among ill-advised ventures into music? I would guess somewhat worse than Bruce Willis (Respect Yourself) and Eddie Murphy (Party All The Time!), but not as bad a Paris Hilton (Stars are Blind and Our Ears are Bleeding), Kevin Federline (Playing With Fire) or Coldplay (Any of their mind-numbingly boring songs).  I guess this has turned into a “Goodbye, Joaquin Phoenix” column.  So, here is his career obituary.

Its hard to stand up here and say this.  It feels like you just left us, Joaquin’s career.  We just watched your incredibly turn as Johnny Cash.  And then, there was the time you killed Russel Crowe in Gladiator. You always projected that confident insecurity that only Joaquin Phoenix could pull off.  “I can lead the Roman empire, but I cry because my daddy liked Russell Crowe better.”  Who else can pull off that strength and weakness all at once?  And when you passed on Joaquin’s career, you took that from this world before we were ready to let it go.

So, it is now that we leave you resting here with heavy hearts.  Many of us felt guilty because nobody went to go see We Own The NIght, but it was because the movie looked boring, not because of you.  And we were willing to ignore the blemish on your life that was The VIllage.  That’s how much we cared for you.  We wish you well in your next life.  A life where Dr. Dre won’t return your calls, Lil’ Jon’s ears bleed listening to your demo and where Suge Knight doesn’t think you’re worth holding out over a ledge.  Godspeed, Joaquin’s Career.